Hold it in

Hello. Just another column to make sure you are still out there.

If you recognise you, sorry!!

So I have a new theory on getting a man that’s so simple even I can follow it. As soon as you spot a potential SLS (shag/life partner/ sperm donor) do not leave him unattended for a second. EVER. Especially with your friends. I don’t care that you need to pee. HOLD IT IN. You’re really thirsty? Tough cookie, send a friend to the bar. Or that your make up needs attention. No girl should be wearing that much MAC anyway. (Yes you!)

One night I had just announced my latest romance to everyone. The signs were good. Physical attraction, all day communication and he had even mentioned the C word first. Yep, that’s right, Children! I in turn didn’t mention that I had their names picked out and was actively looking at wedding dresses and schools. See, it was the perfect relationship.

So a group of us met up in Moonlighting, Soho (don’t ask) and my good friend warned me to tread cautiously. At the time I was grateful because it’s nice when someone else has your back.

A few weeks later at Brown Sugar and the dynamics had shifted. I’m left watching their intense sexual chemistry wondering what I’m going to do with those hastily purchased wedding expo tickets. I cursed the night I let them catch the night bus together. So you see, the only back she was interested in was hers and getting on it. Meow.

Then on a recent group holiday to Rome I bumped into this guy outside a bar, Anima. He was THE best person to explore the nightlife in Rome. A real bar-fly just like yours truly. Well that was it my precious, I was hooked. I introduced him to the rest of the group (mistake numero uno) and got my flirt on. But then, the club got fuller and afraid of the dreaded glisten/sweat natural hair effect I rushed to the busy bar to get some water (mistake numero due). 20 minutes later I stumble back only slightly refreshed to find him slow dancing with my friend to the latest Justin Timberlake club track. I hate JT. I was left chatting to the strange friend obsessed with pizza making techniques. I asked if he’d ever heard of Dominos. As an Italian he didnt seem to get Pizza irony.

At our age, be sure that whomever it is you have your eye on, your friends will have spotted them too. Yes, your shy, quiet girlfriend who is supposedly still into her ex is now your potential SLS’s girlfriend. Oh, they will plead their innocence as they are walking down the aisle. And you? You’re the bridesmaid with the too bright smile or the godmother to a child that screams when you hold her because she knows what really went down that night.

So my theory is simple; it’s about who can hold it in the longest. So flex THOSE muscles my precious. You never know, it might just help you keep him too 😉

© Chelsea Black

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