Flirting Focus: Are You Your Own Worst Wingman?
We’ve all been there: perched on a barstool or swiping through endless profiles, wondering why Cupid keeps ghosting us. But here’s a thought that might not have crossed your mind. It’s not your attachment style or your love language tripping you up (though those are juicy topics for another day). It could be your flirting focus.
Yes, that’s right. The way you flirt might be sabotaging your love life faster than you can say, “What’s your star sign?” Your flirting focus—the energy and vibe you bring to the art of attraction—can either set you up for success or leave you wondering why your DMs are as dry as a burnt toast.
Let’s break it down.
The Sexy Siren
You lead with sex. Your flirtation strategy involves turning every conversation into a double entendre and ensuring your neckline or dick does all the talking. It’s bold, it’s daring… and sometimes it’s a bit much. While there’s nothing wrong with owning your sensuality, leading with sex can make you come across as one-dimensional. It’s like serving dessert before dinner—delicious, but where’s the substance? It can come across as aggressive as well and be more of a turn off than the turn on you think it is.
The Banter Buffoon
You’ve got jokes, and you’re not afraid to use them. You think you’re giving Max and Kyle in Living Single but you’re giving more Beavis and Butthead. Your idea of banter leans more toward the “playground bully” than “witty sparring partner.” Throwing insults disguised as humor (negging, anyone?) might get you a chuckle, but it’s not the vibe for building genuine attraction. Remember, no one wants to date someone who acts like their annoying older sibling.
The Emotional Oversharer
First date, and you’re already divulging your childhood traumas and your five-year plan. Deep connection is lovely, but there’s a time and a place for heavy emotions. Coming on too strong can leave the other person feeling like they’re on an episode of “This Is Your Life” when they were just hoping for a drink and a good laugh. Trauma Bombing is also not the one when you’re literally getting to know someone. This isn’t First Dates where they share their grief, illness or cheating stories over what looks to be overcooked beef.
The Mysterious Enigma
You think playing hard to get is your secret weapon. A sly smile here, a vague answer there. But guess what? The “keep them guessing” routine can quickly spiral into “keep them uninterested.” I will never forget Jane in Pride and Prejudice almost didn’t get her man because she didn’t show enough interest. People enjoy a little mystery, but they also like knowing you’re actually interested. Show them!
The Overachiever
This is a hard one because you want to impress but, are you doing too much? You’re bringing flowers to the first coffee date and planning your wedding playlist after one goodnight text. While enthusiasm is endearing, overloading someone with attention can feel more overwhelming than flattering. Slow down, and let the attraction build organically. Note to self, no cooking or baking until we are exclusive.
Finding Your Flirting Focus
Now that we’ve called out the usual suspects, how do you fix it? First, take stock of your flirting patterns. Are you leading with what you think people want, or are you showing up as your authentic self? Attraction is less about perfect lines and more about genuine connection.
Focus on reading the room (or the chat) and tailoring your approach. If they’re laughing at your jokes, keep the humor coming but watch that it’s not insulting. If they’re leaning into deeper conversations, go there. And if they’re mirroring your energy, congratulations—you’ve found the sweet spot.
The Final Takeaway
Flirting isn’t one-size-fits-all. Your focus should be about showcasing your best qualities while creating space for the other person to shine too. So the next time you’re out there trying to charm someone, ask yourself: Am I flirting to connect, or am I just winging it? Because trust me, when your flirting focus is on point, Cupid will finally start returning your calls.
© Chelsea Black ® 2024
