Do I need a boyfriend?

Well, my bathroom door is squeaky. I know this because, it squeaks and it is driving me crazy. I want to fix it. Ok I want it to be fixed. Squeaking reminds me of mice and we don’t do mice. 

This may be the first clue that you need a boyfriend. Someone who can, all feminism aside, take full responsibility of all the crap you don’t want to do. Like work out which energy supplier is cheaper or….whatever else it is that boyfriends do. Oh I know! Carry the weighted blanket from one room to another without spraining a boob! I knew they had their uses. 

 But, don’t be rash in getting one. Consider your options:

  1.  Get a handy man around and pay silly prices to get it done for me 
  2. Go onto youtube, find the product I need then fix the squeak myself
  3. Move to a new home with a non squeaky bathroom door 
  4. Get a boyfriend who would do these things and repay him in kind (get your mind out of the gutter. I was thinking less bj more successful cookies?) 

Handy Andy

This would be my go-to option except I have to wait in all day waiting for someone to come. Not fun. Whenever I call a handyman I’m quoted Chelsea postcode prices and I resent them mansplaining things to me. I don’t want a WHOLE can of WD40 for one squeak. And why do they always leave a whole heap of mess behind? I just don’t get their logic. So it’s a no from me. 

Youtube Baby

Youtube is great for a nostalgic sing song but, 2 sounds REALLY cumbersome. Remember the great youtube toilet fix of 2019 or the boiler fix of 2018 which led to even more workmen in my home? And we don’t even talk about the cookie disaster of 2017. I just ended up with a tray of cookie dough which, whilst it wasn’t wasted, didn’t look nice.

Move House 

The problem with this option is that it’s too expensive. And where would I move to? I can’t even begin to think about moving in winter when clearly I won’t be able to see the true lighting of a property after work 

Get A Boyfriend 

I do like this idea as I can just give him a list of tasks to do around the relationship and then moan when he doesn’t get around to it in time. Like, learn to read my faces so you know when you need to fix this with food / sex/ quiet. Or, I don’t know as it’s been a while since I had one but aren’t they really handy for carrying shopping from the uber? Hmmm

The last one I had wasn’t handy though and when he cooked rice he was stingy with the portions and he pulled the blankets off because, deep drug withdrawal… Then finding a new one means online dating and small talk and pretending to care about him whilst he fixed the squeaky door….

Fuck it. Let me see what rightmove have to say. It’s time to move! 

© Chelsea Black 2020

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