Listen, ladies. Let’s get real. You’ve been through the apps, right-swiping your way through a sea of gym bros, finance “entrepreneurs,” and guys who “totally respect women” but don’t have a single platonic female friend. Then it happens—you meet him: a distinguished, old Black man. He’s got that salt-and-pepper beard, an extensive hat collection, and a library of vinyl records that could rival a Smithsonian exhibit. And girl, he’s coming for you. That’s right, you’re now dating Granddad, dating older.
Now, before you get swept up in his smooth Barry White tones, let me give you a heads-up. Because dating older is a whole experience.
1. The “Back in My Day” Flex
Oh, honey. Prepare yourself for the legend of his youth. Apparently, he was the original smooth operator—before Tinder, before DM sliding. He’ll regale you with tales about how he used to “court women,” like we’re all extras in a ‘70s Blaxploitation film. How Carnival was where he reigned as one of the members of the original sounds. “Back in my day, we didn’t swipe left, baby. We just showed up with a box of chocolates and a good cologne.”
And yeah, he still expects you to be impressed. He’ll even name-drop artists like Earth, Wind & Fire or Bob Marley like they’re his old high school bandmates.Ok Fam, thanks for the 70s recap!
2. Wardrobe Malfunctions
There’s a reason he looks so distinguished, girl. That man has more suits than a corporate lawyer. Sunday brunch? Full three-piece. Casual stroll in the park? Fedora and matching pocket square. It’s cute until you realize it takes him longer to get dressed than you.
But here’s the kicker: he’s going to insist on ironing everything. EVERYTHING. You’ll feel like you’re dating a character from Mad Men who just discovered scented candles and Spotify. You? You’ll just be trying not to laugh when he insists that the reason he still looks good is all down to “the starch.”
3. The Playlist Wars
You think you’re gonna chill with him, have some nice background music, right? Wrong. Welcome to the world of endless jazz debates. He’s not going to play anything post-1995 unless it’s Erykah Badu or D’Angelo, and even then, he’ll tell you that “neo-soul ain’t what it used to be.”
Don’t even think about putting on any of your “young people’s music.” He will audibly groan if you dare play something as mainstream as Cardi B or Megan Thee Stallion. “This ain’t music,” he’ll mumble under his breath, shaking his head like the world ended in 1989.
4. The Health Kick
This man is on a full-on health kick. Not because he wants to be, but because his doctor told him he needed to “watch his cholesterol.” Expect smoothies with chia seeds, discussions about turmeric shots, and endless complaints about “what food used to taste like.” The man can’t eat anything without telling you how sugar was different in the 1970s.
And don’t even get me started on his stretching routine. “Gotta keep these joints loose, baby,” he’ll say as he limberly contorts in ways you wouldn’t think were possible for a man who thinks TikTok is a sound clocks make.
Oh and sexually, expect to be on top a lot and need to wait for the cialis to kick in. Jeez, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Work on those squats, girl.
5. Historical Footnotes
You’re not just dating him; you’re dating history. This man lived through eras you learned about in school, and guess what? He’s going to remind you about it. Constantly. “You see that?” he’ll say, pointing to a random TV ad. “That’s not how it was in ‘78. Back then, real men wore platforms.”
The problem? He assumes you care. He thinks you’re sitting there, wide-eyed, hanging on his every word, while he’s waxing poetic about the Black Power movement or the rise of Afros. (Which, to be fair, is kind of sexy. Just not the 10th time.)
6. Sugar Daddy Tendencies
Now, don’t get me wrong. The man knows how to treat a woman. But girl, he will also spoil you with the weirdest gifts. Get ready for things like a top-of-the-line blender (“You can make kale smoothies!”), an audiobook subscription, or a signed copy of a random biography you didn’t ask for.
He’s got some old-school romantic tendencies—flowers, handwritten notes, calling instead of texting. Which is sweet, but you will be explaining emojis to him forever. And you better believe he’ll send a thumbs-up emoji instead of a heart because “why use more when one gets the point across?”
7. The Great Nap Debate
The man needs his nap. He will fight you on this. 2 p.m. every Saturday, no exceptions. And you’ll find yourself stuck between awe and concern as he manages to fall asleep during anything—your Netflix binge, a dinner party, or even in the middle of telling you a story about how “the music used to have soul.”
But, hey, it’s a small price to pay for his wisdom, right?
8. Having Babies
Let’s talk about the real tea when it comes to having babies with an older man. Sure, he’s got that silver fox swag, but age can come with a price. The older a man gets, the higher the risks of certain genetic mutations, which can lead to complications. Think higher chances of genetic abnormalities, profound autism, and even miscarriage.. It’s like his sperm has been sitting on the shelf a little too long—expiring, sis! And let’s not even get started on the energy levels. While you’re trying to chase a toddler, he might be more interested in chasing a nap. So, before you sign up for that daddy-and-diapers combo, weigh those risks carefully!
9. Being a Carer
Ladies, we’ve all seen it—older men on the hunt for a “younger, vibrant” woman, but let’s be real: some of these guys are low-key looking for a future nurse, not a girlfriend. They say they want love, but what they really want is someone to remind them to take their meds and make sure they’re not mixing up the remote with their phone! It’s like, sure, he’s charming now, but fast forward 10 years and suddenly you’re managing doctor appointments and his cholesterol levels.
I had a friend who suggested we have a child together but that the daughter wouldn’t be able to go to university so that she could be his carer when he was older as his children were too educated and spoiled to do it. Er, I think not!
So, before you sign up for that “older and wiser” romance, ask yourself—am I dating him or becoming his caregiver in training? Know the difference!
10. Conclusion: On dating granddad
So, should you date a granddad? Absolutely. You’ll feel like you’re in a permanent Motown video, complete with slow-dancing in the living room and deep, soulful conversations. Sure, there are challenges—like trying to get him to understand technology or convincing him that not every young person is ruining society—but it’s worth it. He’s going to treat you like a queen (even if he reminds you 12 times that you don’t make sweet potato pie “the right way”).
Enjoy the ride, sis. Just remember to stock up on turmeric and respect the nap.Or! Maybe just date his son?
I’m kidding! (sort of)
© Chelsea Black ® 2024
