So although I’m not a fan of American teen movies and worse, anything Vampiric, I have to admit that chaste dating, especially in a time of social distancing could be the answer we have all been looking for?
What do I mean? Some of you and, by you I mean those who have kissed plenty of frogs and froglittas are tired of dating, sleeping with someone too soon and then realising they were a dick or dicklitta. ( I sense a theme with my feminising of words which, in a non binary age I could just avoid completely but, creating new words is kind of fun? I digress)
But have we ever given a moment to consider how quickly we jump into having sex? I’m not saying we need to do the Steve Harvey 90 Day Probation or the religious no sex before marriage thing but, we may need a moment’s pause before we let yet another person’s energy and potential hygiene into our spaces.
My Chaste Dating 1
I’ve chaste dated twice in my life. I came across one of my old diaries and it turns out that when I was 17/18 I dated a dude I thought was, and I quote, ‘well fit.’ Turns out that teenage me had a limited vocabulary.
This Well Fit dude was incredibly shy. He would wear two pairs of trousers because he didn’t want his skinny legs on display. Also, because he was only able to make a move when he was high on weed and that wasn’t sexy, we dated for 100 days with not even so much as a snog. I feel like I should get a refund on my teenage angst years. That’s almost a third of a year wasted whilst all my friends were happily bonking half of North West (and West) London.
But, I wasn’t upset about it. I kind of found the lack of sexual activity a bit of a relief. I don’t think skinny legs would have turned me on either and we were very different. He thought the fact that I was doing A levels made me ‘well smart.’ I learned that there were BTECs in Travel & Tourism. Never mentioned by my school’s career counsellor.
It was more the lack of communication between us on the subject AND the peer pressure to shag that annoyed. I realised years later that friends are actually the worst influences on a relationship and should be kept out of it as much as possible.
My Chaste Dating Part 2
This one was more recent. He was younger and something told me to state my intentions to not have sex with him for 3 months. He accepted this rather quickly which should have told me that our sex drives weren’t on the same level. Not even 3 months later and we had broken up. Do I regret not sleeping with him? Nope. Turned out he had a touch of the depressions and lacked motivation to do anything relationshippy so, we just weren’t in the same place at the same time. He also forgot my birthday because he was so excited by the release of Thor 3 that it erased him from remembering he had a girlfriend. Sex may have made me want to try to fix him which is a habit I’m trying to break so, big sigh of reliefs all round.
Rules to Chaste Dating
Anyway the key to chaste dating is simple
- Work out your why – it could be that you just want to be sure before diving into another relationship, have just come out of something heavy or damaging, health related issues. There are many reasons but you need to have a why.
- State your intentions so both of you agree to the terms. Don’t pretend you’re about that chaste life then sleep with them on date 4 because they seem really nice. It’s confusing!
- Set a time limit on chasteness or at least a decision on whether you want to continue dating. Nobody likes a timewaster and there’s nothing worse than someone stringing you along for months with expensive dates when they know they’re never going to go any further. Undercover friendzoning or what. Froglittas, you’re particularly notorious for this.
- Is kissing ok? Oral? Hand holding? Sleep overs? Phone sex? Frottage? Be clear. Don’t blur lines and potentially upset someone who didn’t understand and agree to your boundaries.
- Plan stuff to do – I’m writing this during covid times so this may be watching a movie at the same time from separate houses but you can watch at the same time if you sync properly. Or introduce them to your favourite music. Now may not be the time to introduce him to your naked lounge dancing but, hey, we are all different.
- Enjoy it! There is so much more to a relationship than sex. Like watching how he goes through your Covid rations or what Netflix suggestions he has at his house.
- When it’s all over make sure that you’ve done all the boring stuff before sex. Protection conversations are great foreplay to have weeks before Chaste ends so why not have them now?
That’s it folks. Enjoy your new found chastity…I know some of you are reading this thinking, yeah right but, who knows, you may find you date fewer frogs and those you date last longer? Just an idea from your Crazy Auntie Chelsea!
© Chelsea Black 2020