Last night I was watching Love, Sex and Eating the Bones which is about a man whose porn addiction impacts on his relationship. Which reminded me of my short relationship with Afroman. Oh my precious, Afroman!
Not only was he a delicious ex model but he lived near me and he was funny. Yes he had a worryingly bright gold tooth, was butt obsessed and seemed a little too attached to ‘Because I got high’ by Afroman but, we all have dubious pop songs in our lives.
Things went well for a few months. He would pick me up from my job and we would….hang out. Then came the day when we met a little earlier than usual. Before 6pm. He seemed tense and not his usual charming self. He asked if we could stop off at his house. When we got there he rushed upstairs and set the video, leaning back with a sigh of relief. Was he going to be on the 6pm news? No it turns out he was a trekkie. But he was quick to add that he wasn’t a hard core one just that he had been trying to catch this episode for ages.
Now I’m no expert but isn’t Star Trek one of those programmes they repeat A LOT like Sex and the City or Friends? He tried to explain the allure of Star Trek which went over my head as he was doing something truly delightful with his hands. For about 24 minutes I too became very interested in Star Trek, the new frontier.
I put the day down to a quirk. Strangely that was the first time I had been to his house and our best sex session ever. The next time I was invited around was after a particularly great night out when he said that I would have to be really quiet as his mum would be asleep? It emerged that it was actually his mum’s house and that his house was …..well non-existent. The man was 10 years my senior!
So we got to his room and started fooling around when I noticed him fiddling around under the bed. Oh my what delicious trick was he going to pull now? A toy? A blind fold? Some handcuffs?
But this was no TJ Hooker fan this was a trekkie! He was searching for the remote control so that he could watch Star Trek whilst we shagged all the time covering my mouth so that his mum wouldn’t hear me. Now, I enjoy the occasional freaky interaction but there is something homoerotic to me about men in fitted T shirts stuck in space together. And, something worrying about a man over 35 who still lives with his mum and gets sexually aroused by Star Trek.
So be warned my precious because apparently it’s not just hard core porn addictions you have to watch out for. We inevitably broke up. But not before a few more Star Trek based memories were created.