22.5 things I learned in 22.5 hours of hospital

wish4 th thTOF759GOWarning: Long post Rant

Just to be clear there were 6 of us in a bays. Oncololgy Orla who had the only visitors and is married to Dickhead Derek; Pneumonia Norma who only revealed her condition as she was leaving and was useless with her iphone charger; Vertabrae Vera from the West Midlands; Gallbladder Gayle, Hip Break Hilda and me, Chest Pains Chelsea. Let’s begin :

  1. If you go to A&E with heavy palpitations and chest pains, they don’t muck about.
  2. Always have a charger in your bag because, you’re staying the night. Best you keep a travel toothbrush and a spare pair of knickers in there too
  3. Don’t tell your family especially the doctors. They’ll panic and demand to speak to the consultants making you look ‘difficult’. Yes, you’re difficult but, they’re REALLY difficult.
  4. When medical students ask to touch your thyroid, say no. They’re over eager hands are cold and don’t know what they’re doing. Don’t let the other medical student touch you either. He’s just a nob and should never be allowed a human with those weird green giant hands.
  5. Dr. Google everything cos 4 doctors will tell you 4 different things. Google is your friend.
  6. Make friends with the nurses. Especially the winker. He’s your friend and will bring you stuff.
  7. Avoid the grumpy night nurse. She’s on nights for a reason. Moody cow
  8. Despite your bed being diagonally furthest away, Gallbadder Gayle will make sure you hear her full medical history again and again even if Oncology Orla has more to moan about.GG is a moaner, even in her sleep. She’s also a misery but, I would be too if I was a walking encyclopedia of every medical complaint since 1863
  9. The NHS are basically vampire blood suppliers. How much blood do they fucking need?
  10. Hip Break Hilda will tell you about the 2 black kids her daughter adopted who are the same colour as you. When you see said black kids and they are 7 shades darker, don’t point this out to Hip Break Hilda because she is 77 and thinks they’re lovely for black kids Just say nothing and revel in the fact that Hip Break Hilda has been in there for 2 days fasting and the lack of food is a factor
  11. The night shift registrar is an incompetent sour sod. In fact, I beg you don’t get ill at night. Save that shit for the daytime staff.
  12. After 20 hours with Pneumonia Norma you will have a sniffly cold. Whether this is psychosomatic or not, I can’t tell
  13. You will not sleep. The NHS haven’t heard of winter duvets. You will freeze and sleep in your clothes with the ECG tabs still on your body. This is hell.
  14. Vertebrae Vera will lend you her magazines when she’s going for an MRI. Do not read them! They are full of real life stories of mother’s cheating on their daughters with their boyfriends and weird disease you will think you have. Thank her nicely when she is back.
  15. Ignore all of the doctors except the one that is a specialist. The rest will scare you with shit that isn’t true and give wrong advice. I swear some of them only just passed most of their subjects so, fuck them and their scare tactics
  16. Dickhead Derek is a dickhead but, he got things moving. Oncology Orla was seen promptly and ate before everyone else. Get yourself a dickhead.
  17. When 7 people come into your weak curtained bay, ask them to leave. If some look like they’re in training bras then they definitely shouldn’t be there
  18. You’re not crazy. Your hormones are just out of whack which might explain the verbal scraps you’ve been getting yourself into since October
  19. Take time off work. You’ll be in that hospital longer than you think. Once you are in, you’re in for a while
  20. Pharmacy will drive you mad and bring on your palpitations. It’s not you. It’s them and the doctors. And there are no cute doctors. TV is a lie!!
  21. Plan something fun for your escape to take the hospital bad taste away
  22. The food is shit. If you can, walk and get a half dying kebab. You’ll be safer

22.5– I’m out; safely back in my #workwoes hell and on medication so, thank goodness for a proper diagnosis. Thanks for all the well wishes and the adventure was fun, sort of

© Chelsea Black