As I have no chance of a Valentine this year I have decided that my gift will have to be tips to the next man. So here it is my Valentines 14 tips for my Fubo. (future boyfriend) that I think will help keep me and most women sweet and loving.
1. Listening without jumping in with a solution. Sweetie sometimes it’s just a moan that we want. Be glad it’s not about something you’ve done/ not done.
2. Not lying because you think it means less nagging. If you would prefer to watch 60 odd laps of the inconsequential grand prix rather than go hunt for that perfect antique chair/ fancy dress outfit….say so.
3. Going shopping because I need your manly strength to carry more clothes I am never ever going to wear is a quarterly task I’m afraid. I swear to seat you in a café in the middle of the shopping area with a newspaper and hopefully a sky sports link. Essential on a weekend.
4. Never ever comparing my cooking to your mum’s or your ex’s. If it’s that bad then either cook yourself, earn more so we can eat out a lot or invest in a taste London card.
5. Know that stalking is not acceptable. Too much persistence based Rom Coms has led to stalking being deemed an acceptable activity. It’s just plain scary to me. Hold off on the 5th call of the day sweetie. It’s 4 too many.
6. Teaching me exactly how you like it. Don’t assume I have watched nearly as much porn as you have. And (cough) let’s say that I have. I really wasn’t doing it for technique tips.
7. Telling me that no my bum doesn’t look too big in this but it looks even better in that other slutty outfit you are going to imagine ripping off of me all night. Life, lemons, lemonades.
8. Not buying practical gifts on special occasions. Yes I mentioned wanting to get fit whilst watching the marathon last year but did you have to buy me an exercise step for my birthday? Or a food blender? No need sweetie, no need.
9. Whatever it is you are lying about I will find out. The FBI has nothing on a woman and her friends with a hunch that you are lying.
10. We give to receive. Get over any hang ups you have over eating pussy and get stuck in lads. Nothing says major brownie points like an enthusiastic player.
11. If you have ex or baby mother issues please man up and sort that shit out. It’s not that difficult to take care of your responsibilities and manage it.
12. If you tell me that you are going to make your dreams come true then I can’t be finding you on the couch months later complaining about the system or the man and how he is determined to keep you down. Who is this man?
13. I might love you but seriously I never had aspirations to become a domestic goddess. Please assume that I will not be doing any domestic chores for you unless I’m doing it for myself. Invest in a cleaner.
14. Divorced, separated and married are not interchangeable. Figure out what your status is.