I am not your mistress 

If you are married and we meet, don’t try and mistress me. It’s the worst decision you will ever make. I have waaay too much time on my hands. I am not your mistress. 

Story time

7 years ago I met dude through a couple and he said he wanted to bang but wasn’t looking for something serious. I said cool, keep looking. I’m not the one. A year later he was married with a kid on the way? OK got it. He meant not looking for something serious with me. To be clear, nothing ever happened with us. He asked for sex and I said no thanks. I want more. Apparently that’s not how he saw me, and that’s ok. We move on. I had forgotten about him but heard that he occasionally asked about me? Whatever!

The party 

Cut to today and we are at the same party. He was there with his 2 kids, the wife and his bleached MiL. I say hi to all the elders including MiL. He says we need to catch up. I saw what for? He says he sees I haven’t changed. Still with the attitude. His wife side eyes me because apparently, my name has come up at events. The MiL side eyes me. It looks pained.  I stare back blankly waiting for the braai meat to be ready.

At the end of the night I start my round of goodbyes, grab my braai meat to go (that was some good meat Jibby’s cookout) and head to get my uber. This ninja leaves the party hall to chase me down and ask for my number. I told him he already had it. He says we really need to catch up. I ask again what for? He doesn’t answer but looks at my butt.

I then tell him he mustn’t start something he can’t finish. I will finish him. I tell him that whilst his bleached MiL looks like she can’t fight his wife looks like she can sit on me and I’m not here for wahala. 

The lesson 

Firstly I will not cook or clean or cater to a man that is shared. I don’t share. You can’t even get onto a single woman’s rotation when you have childcare responsibilities. You are boring to us. 

So here’s the thing. Men make bad choices when it comes to mistresses. I am a bad choice

 I am completely single and have nothing to lose here. If you want to cheat don’t cheat with someone your wife has met or seen. If you want to cheat don’t cheat with someone petty and resentful that you are living your best life and want to get your rocks off. Also, don’t cheat with someone who can’t fight but thinks they can when they’re tipsy. I know this dude will be messaging with wahala and I could take screenshots and send to his post partum wife. 

Chelsea Black ®  2024 © 

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