Think like a man

There is a synopsis of the movie here

So I watched this movie the other day. Don’t ask me why. Ok no I will tell you why. One I tend to watch black rom coms no matter how bad they are because that is what one who is black does. We are so starved and there is not one black british rom com so we tend to over indulge in the few that come from the states. It’s nice to visualise your own love story but even nicer to see it visualised for you with Morris Chestnut or Michael Ealy playing the FuHu.

Two I do it because I know that every other black person my age will have watched it at some point and will reference it to death. Yep I’m sure I’m going to hear that I’m like one of the characters in the near future because no one likes to label women as much as men do. The bitch, the baby mama, the girl next door, the good time girl looking to settle down etc. Something tells me I may be the first or last ones  but that’s just a lucky guess.

The film has a nice ensemble cast that doesn’t quite gel like all ensemble cast movies these days. Seriously New Year’s Eve was the worst film imaginable. The only saving grace is that there is a little humour through Kevin Hart playing his typical role and that there were a number of scenes with the men playing basketball. Shirtless and sports works for me. The men were a mess. The white married guy was the only sensible voice whilst the others had to bloody grow up. I forgive Michael Ealy’s character however as he was a chef and any man that cooks breakfast from leftovers is given a pass. Whatever, don’t judge me!

Here’s my take on the book and film: Yes Steve Harvey has been married a few times and seems to  therefore know how to trick men into committing or if you are less cynical checking to see if they are relationship ready. Some of his advice includes asking him where you fit in his future plans (all men have plans? Plans that include whether or not you the woman he met a few days / weeks / hours ago fits into? Who knew) or asking him about his relationship with God. But the saddest part is that he encourages withholding sex so that you can get to know the person better and train them into respecting you. For 90 days! His analogy is simple, a company like Ford make you work a 90 day probation before you can get the benefits so you should make a man wait 90 days to get the “cookie”

Are we still doing this? Seriously?

I may be wrong here but I didn’t know that sex was something that women saw as a benefit they didn’t necessarily want to give up? Or that it was something men had to work hard for. I thought it was a standard part of the relationship. But no sex is now something women withhold in exchange for a serious commitment from a man. Got it!

I’m not sure how this is a feminist or even progressive act but all I can say is that over the age of 30 if you have 90 days to waste on a guy whose dick size you don’t know and whose intentions may still be to get into your knickers then disappear that’s on you boo boo.  But who withholds sex for non-religious reasons and then expects the relationship to be balanced and realistic? I learn more about a man from sex than I do from three hours of him lying to me over dinner. It’s the little things like how giving he is sexually, whether he hogs the blankets, how hard working he is and whether he lets me finish first. Does he have stamina, focus, the ability to shag confidently and yet with a sense of humour. I now have to wait 90 days to figure out what I can work out in (for some poor sods) in mere minutes? Dirty sex usually comes at the beginning before emotions come into play and you insist he makes love to you instead of just F**king you senseless. Why deny yourself those hazy drunken dirty sex days?

Yes Morris Chestnut (yay) had a cameo and Chris Brown (boo) too but are we seriously suggesting that women need to trick men into relationships by pretending not to be themselves? How is that sustainable? Besides I love being a complicated emotional woman and surely FuHu should know that there will be ups, downs and a lot of mind changing and erratic behaviour from the start instead of me training him like a Battersea Dog reject? And aren’t we underestimating men here by suggesting that they are these simplistic creatures who can be easily manipulated by sex….ok he may have a point there but know this ladies, wait 90 days and you need to assume that there is someone else providing the cookie. Because my view is that he doesn’t owe you anything at that point. He saw your booty in that tight dress in a club and decided that he liked you. He’s not thinking marriage yet!

Ok I’m off to figure a way to get 2 hours of my life back. Watch the film because I know you will but don’t expect me to like it. It’s a crap fest of female insecurities and immature men who don’t have a clue what a relationship should look like.

Think like a man? I think women are far too superior to need to do this. Let’s step up the level of expectation folks.

©Chelsea Black