Dating the divorced

A-Sexy D is for Dating the Divorced

It is inevitable as we get older that some of the people we date will have been married before. Best you check at this stage that they are actually divorced i.e legally not emotionally divorced for the duration of the date and having sex with you. I have had some who have miraculously rediscovered their marriage vows after putting their clothes on. They call it separated even though they live in the same house, still shag and the wife and she’s expecting lucky child number 3. But I digress. Here are a few things to ask / consider before dating the divorced as we can’t always assume that it is all in the past but we don’t want to jump to conclusions about their emotional state either right? Well, make a few, just to err on the side of caution

1)      Don’t ask them why they got divorced. They will tell you in due course. But you asking for a reason forces them to make sweeping statements like “She wanted children” or “The bitch was cheating with my best friend” when really we all know that it is NEVER ever the woman’s fault entirely. OK it is never ever just one person’s fault. My bad

2)      If they still clench their jaw or grit their teeth when talking about their ex it’s time to move on. Unless you love a whole lot of angry sex then stick around but rebound / therapy sex is exhausting if only for the circular pillow talk alone. I don’t know why she wouldn’t let you cook for her sweetheart, I really don’t. Or why her mother refuses to talk to you.

3)      Don’t assume that him talking about it or not talking about it are signs of where they are at with it. Chances are they are bored of explaining it by now or even better may be over the worst of it?

4)      Find out when the Decree Absolute was delivered. I reckon it takes 2 years after this for most to be fully relationship ready. Dating ready, 5 minutes but relationship ready, much longer. Some will never have gotten this far as they argue about money, property, child custody etc so again, the technicality of divorce. You do not want to become a legal advisor to someone who is fucking their ex through the legal system

5)      If they have kids then accept that fast food may become a part of your weekends. That’s if they deem you worthy of meeting the children. Do not buy them with gifts or try to parent them. You’ll end up doing the school run or worse falling for the buggers. They are much harder to break up with then their parent is.

6)      Do not assume that the ex is evil and that your new partner is the innocent victim of circumstance. Rarely do we have a Tyler Perry Good vs Evil parable here.

7)      Often the sex and the relationship can be better as this person is very well trained or looking to explore all of those things they weren’t allowed to. Be careful as they often use emotional sex without meaning to drawing you into a whole heap of potential messiness. They are transitioning.

8)      Do not allow them to patronise you if you have never been married. The worst thing they can say is “you wouldn’t understand you haven’t been married”. Having been married is not a huge achievement in the same way being divorced is not the big failure some would have you believe

9)      If they say that they aren’t ready for monogamy don’t be surprised if you still see him being active on the website you met him on. Yes they may want to go out there and get lots and lots of sex as the chances are at the end of the marriage it was less available. George Clooney is a lesson for us all. If he says he will never get married again believe him. You don’t want to hang around hoping that this is a divorce hangover that he will get over.

10)   Proceed with caution. Anyone that has been through any institution such as the army, marriage or religious orders are a little different.

© Chelsea Black

P.S. There is more on the Divorce Phenomenon in the book Dating Ready

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