I did a little research into why some of my exes wouldn’t stay gone. This means that over nandos me and 2-3 of my nearest and dearest tore through the bleak dating history that is my life. I would love to sit here and tell you it’s because I’m irresistible but honestly my precious, I don’t think the male brain works like that. And I’m not at all. Anyway after another order of chicken livers and peri peri chips we came up with the following conclusion:
They Want Something
Yes, that is the answer to the existential questions we ask ourselves. If you can figure out what’s in it for the other person you could basically rule the world! Or pretty close.
Let’s take a few prime examples.
I’ve already outlined the Comic addict that just wanted to relieve me of my new comic stash. I was actually offended that he didn’t want to ravish me. Where is the sex these days. Instead it’s all about what you can get out of people. We’ve started commodity and services dating! Wait, let’s take some examples
There’s the one guy who is now married but I was there when he was changing careers and needed some coaching. One wife and a child later his life is great but he’s looking for the next career move. Suddenly he remembers the person that helped him last time. Coaching is not for free.
Then there’s the disappearing 2 week crush. It took longer for me to work this one out mainly as I was too busy crushing on a new boo but, I think he liked that I was there when he’s bored at work. So he texts heavily then dies of excitement before rising again 3 weeks later. We’re getting better. Last year it was 3 months. He loves to talk about getting together but never makes a solid plan. Or when he does he doesn’t confirm. And so it’s clear that he likes the idea of me but, not enough to show some consistency.
There was the one who came back because he wanted a surrogate mother. No really, he wanted me to have his baby then disappear. This from a guy with a criminal record who wore a grill? Er, no.
Of course the thing they love about you can be the thing they use against you later. Wow you’re so confident becomes you’re too confident becomes you’re arrogant becomes you make me feel less confident becomes you emasculate me. (be sure not to answer with, “It’s not my fault you’re so pathetic.” Apparently this isn’t the time to be honest. Yes his life is in the toilet and you just got a promotion but, you’re meant to forget about your own life and focus on his never ending spiral of bad luck)
But most come back because they want to know that you still love them. You don’t but as a woman you try to be nice and maintain the illusion of friendship. I’ve decided that friendship after a relationship is the biggest lie told to women. He was exhausting as a boyfriend and didn’t give you what you need so why friend him? Unless you share kids there is no bloody need.
Of course, if you want something from them then, don’t break that connection my precious. I don’t mean the dick. You need to learn like men have learned that sex is not the commodity that keeps you coming back. I mean like he knows how to kill mice humanely or cook a mean curry or can fix computers. You know, things you don’t want to do?
© Chelsea Black