When hips DO lie – Super bowl Snides

So apparently the recent Superbowl has hurt a subsection of men and their wives who feel that it was all too sexual. J Lo and Shakira gyrated, showed their tongues, poled danced and basically pranced about on state for however long whilst the majority of people went to put the kettle on. Because what’s a second half without a brew and some decent snacks, am I right?

These highly sensitive people are now waxing lyrical on why this is wrong and what the bible says about women who…

HOLD UP!

If you are sexually turned on by J Lo and Shakira then you have bigger problems than we all realised. First, you’re not getting enough sex. Secondly, you’re not getting enough porn and finally, you think all women are sexual beings when they’re clearly out here trying to get paid post 40. I mean, this isn’t even soft porn levels of gyrations. This is Demi Moore in that really bad film in the 90s. Showgirls? I mean JLo’s pole dance looked like she needed a lot of assistance.

The rest of us are tired of your liberal outrage. I’ve had to watch both Justin Timberlake and Adam from Maroon 5 fake sexy with some over rehearsed dance moves which didn’t even make me google their back catalogue.

People are actually calling in to complain and citing that it wasn’t family friendly? Have you watched children’s TV though? It’s Britney Sexy Bitch level and you’re complaining about Auntie J Lo? Nah!

As for the religious ones, just be blessed and accept that not everything comes with a Xianity rating for you. You’re not going to hell because you saw 48 seconds of pole dance and tongue.

Just say you’re frustrated because your woman isn’t giving you any lately and she’s got no hips so we can all move on from this debacle.  She lied when you met her and she pretended that she was going to give you sex all the time but now, 3 children later she’s no longer making the effort you recall from your first 3 months of dating. Yep, you’ve been lied to Fam. She was never that much of a sex slut. She was just single! But, how are you blaming all your penile woes on Shakira and JLo who amazingly has made a whole career from not being able to sing and keeping her body tight.

Kinda like Madonna.

Then again, they complained about Justin exposing Janet Jacksons right boob. You lot need Black Jesu and, quick. And wasn’t there a boycott of the Superbowl? Did I miss it?  I can’ WAIT to see which Country and Western star they’ll put us through next year. Yay!  

© Chelsea Black 2020

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