Remember the dating recession of 2010-14? Yes, I’ve tried to block most of it out of my mind too because, those were some dark and harrowing times. As much as I love my Nandos nobody wants to be eating it 2-3 times a week because, budget. But luckily as the new year broke so did those times. Thank you black men of London for letting go of Nandos. Now we can resume business as usual which means the awkward question of who pays the bill comes up. Nobody has a loyalty card with a whole chicken on it.

Tradgirl-paying-billitionally I would say the person that asks, the bloke or going Dutch are the only answers but there is a new phenomenon creeping into our lives that needs to be explained. When she pays the bill. It can mean one of only three things

 

She thinks you can’t afford to pay

Talk about the recession, living in your parents’ in your 40s or how hard it is to be artist in this world where your art is too avant garde to sell (You draw. It’s comic books. It’s hardly post-modern or avant garde but, ok) and the chances are she’s going to dry up and take pity on you instead. Yes, she’ll make the right noises and try to save you from what is fast becoming a pathetic picture but would she want to have sex with that? You’ve friend zoned yourself. And if she does want to take all of that on there is some co-dependency crap in her past that will rear its ugly head later. Ultimately you may be thinking it’s a nice gesture but that’s not for first dates. Save that for later

 

She never wants to see you again

You pissed her off. She may be too polite to show it but this woman doesn’t like you at all. So she’s making sure that she’s free of you forever. As the not so late and not so great Bros sang, I owe you nothing. This woman wants to be able to leave this scenario without guilt. She basically has written you off as a friend, fuck buddy or potential partner. Take it gracefully and accept that she was nice enough to end it without the nice guy BS that so many throw in there at the end. None of us need more male friends. This is a misconception that must die. I already have my 5. No vacancies left.

 

She’s more alpha than you

Man and woman arm wrestling, close-up --- Image by © Ocean/Corbis

The most dangerous of all three is the woman that feels the need to show you that she doesn’t need you and can take care of herself. Whilst I believe in independence some take it too far. Let him be chivalrous if that is who he is but don’t push it on him. I remember bumping into a cutie on the way back from the supermarket who tried to chat me up for 4 blocks but watched me carry my bags all that way? Couldn’t he see I was struggling? But I digress.

The real issue is that she still has some work to do or is looking for a man she can dominate. Either way this is not necessarily a good trait. Tread with caution. I call head full of broken biscuits if she needs this much control on a date

And then there are those that forget their wallets. In this day and age there is no excuse. He can pay by paypal or online. Nonsense. Don’t fall for it my precious. Grab your purse and run. Don’t feel shamed into paying his way. Especially not at Michelin star restaurants you didn’t suggest. The fuckery is real.

 

Right, I’m off to look for affordable restaurants for the future. Always be prepared I say. And Opentable. They are your friend.

© Chelsea Black 2015

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups