winter warmer     So winter is here already although still a little muggy and humid when you’re not looking. You know what time it is, my precious. Time to find that winter warmer.

I thought I’d already found one but, turns out the sex I remembered had run out. Now I was just subjected to the quickie delights that left me, undelighted and thinking about sugary treats. This is not a good look. I’m saving all of my calories for Xmas week! This dude rolled off, looked at me apologetically and admitted that he never used to come so quickly. I looked at him and said nothing because I’m trying really hard not to fake orgasms or being nice when I don’t feel like it.

So then I got to thinking about where I’m going to find one without tripping across my stalker again? He’s gone now I think but his suggestion that he become my winter warmer was met with real fear. I can’t twinter warmer 6ake the risk of advertising on social media again. My inbox was peppered with delightful emails outlined how I was going to be fucked into the middle of next week. E.g. Hey Chels, Wanna Fck? I can fck u in all da holes til u screem. How DARE he call me Chels.

Last week I had on two jackets and I still felt the cold in my back. I’ve suffered enough. It’s time to take matters into my own hands and relieve (no pun intended) my lekky blanky from his duties. It’s time my precious, for me to find a Fuckbuddy.

I’ve thought this through and there are plenty of ways of doing it. Let’s try this again. Previous applicants or employees need not apply.

Bars and Clubs

This can work if you’re not that worried about STDs and the mess back at your place but essentially it’s a high risk strategy and you’re just likely to get a one night stand. There’s no commitment from him to take care of your needs and chances are he thinks you’re a slut for putting out on the first night. Yes, despite what the world says feminism isn’t about equality winter warmer 4when it comes to sex. Let’s stop pretending.

Social media

This is an even higher risk option. I don’t think I’ve met a guy on FB or Twitter that didn’t turn out to be completely different in real life. There’s also a risk that you want to fuck their social media persona or them yours. I’m not a porn star and yet men think that asking for sex on twitter means that you do it professionally.

That said you can always do a background check beforehand with mutual friends or followers. You’re likely to find out all sorts of fun facts like he’s an addict, married, beat on his ex so, if it’s just sex think about how much intel you need in advance.

Back the ex

Tempting as you know the sex is good but, didn’t you break up for a reason? He’s still going to piss you off in the same ways as before. Best you have a contract of conduct drawn up in advance. No sleepovwinter warmer 3ers (so your WW needs to drive), no meals or dates, no talking about his work issues etc.

Fuck sites

The fuckbooks of the world are interesting. Everyone is on there for the same reason so stands to reason this would have been my first option. Alas there are a lot of people on these sites who are troubled. Deeply troubled and wanting to work through or explore their sexuality as a distraction. I had one decent ongoing experience but the rest were one offs who would have built my hours needed to qualify as a counsellor. I’m still traumatised by the dude with the large Nollywood DVD collection. I think he wanted to re-enact certain scenes.

So there are options but it’s not easy. Never fuck a friend as most friendships won’t survive the awkard sexual moment when he realises that you’re a size queen and you realise that his butt has more squish than bounce. Sigh. Never fuck a dude you want to date hoping that it’s going to turn into more. The conversion rate is low on this one.

That’s it. I’ve just depressed myself and talked myself out of it once again. Fuhu neecs to hurry up because chances are I’m going to buy a spare lekky and see the winter through like I did the last 2; Reading romances and arguing on social media. This isn’t life. Hey ho!

Happy autumn / winter!

 

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups