So today I did my usual evening walk into Waitrose to get essentials such as fresh mint and Weetabix. You know how a girl needs her strength. The Kings Road Waitrose has the newspapers at the front and the Evening Standard is always visible. Normally I ignore it as there is nothing in that paper that interests me apart from the horoscope. But today, oh today my precious the headline had me squealing in sheer joy. This was me in waitrose. I must warn you now that my excitement can only be expressed in gifs.

Me in Waitrose reading the news

From 2015 August the tubes will be running 24 hours? Do you know what this means for every singletini in this great city? It means you never have to sleep next to someone you don’t like EVER AGAIN. If the sex is bad you can shake hands and ask them to leave without them giving you some sob story about not knowing the night buses (N11 or 14 dear) and lack of taxi money. (I’m not giving a man money to get his lazy no good sex having arse home)

That’s right ladies sexual FREEDOM! is nearly ours. Pump your fists. I feel kind of emosh about it all.

Happy tears

Just think, our daughters will live a complete different life to us. I can’t thank the unions and privatisation of the underground enough. My children will never have to stare at the ceiling and wish themselves somewhere else because of a lack of transport. Double fist pump to that!

Double fist pump for the future generations

Baloney

So you know when he seemed ok in the club but the music was loud and you didn’t catch everything that he said? Or when you’ve had a few conversations and you think he’s ok but then he comes around to yours and starts to talk shit? I get idiots telling me about myself over my music, books or DVDs. Did anybody ask you to psychoanalyse me prior to us having sex? Now I can send them on their way without worrying about how they’ll get home. YAY!! I don’t owe anyone anything but politeness but sex because you can’t afford a taxi to the back of beyond and you’re rude? Nah son, that ain’t me!

See my swagger as I come back from shutting the door on a dude for dissing my 80s Pop classic collection

Breakfast

This is one of my pet peeves. I’ve had two reformed 7th day Adventists, a muslim and one who just didn’t eat pork because his uncle didn’t eat it and his uncle is his hero. An English Breakfast without pork to me means attempting hollandaise sauce for Eggs Benedict or Royale and nobody has time for that nonsense. What’s wrong with a decent Cumberland sausage or …..I digress.

I once spent a day shopping around my area looking for non-pork sausages. If the filling wasn’t sausage then the casing had pork shoulder or something in it. And no bacon, dude? How you hating on bacon? (Katt Williams reference).

Occasionally I would take them to a café nearby but most weren’t putting their hands in their pockets or offering to assist and yet an hour ago you lay draped on my bed looking like you were on death’s door because of your hunger? Now I don’t have to give a fuck in the vain hope that feeding you will improve your performance or my chances of getting an orgasm.

Ain’t nobody got time for that!

Bad Sex

Speaking of bad sex….See, now you can avoid that terrible second round. No longer will you be having this conversation with yourself

CB: What the fuck was that?

CB: Should I tell him about himself or pretend not to have noticed that the same song is still playing from when we started?

CB: Hmmm, he seems fine with his performance. No apology or anything…Maybe he’s not a first rounder? Maybe he’s all about 2 or 3?

CB: WHAT the ….now he wants to fall asleep??! Oh hell no, dude needs to make a plan or leave

CB: Oh wait (looks at foot of bed where his overnight bag is placed) he thinks he’s staying over. FUCKKKK!!!!!!!!!!! I’m going to have to nudge him awake and see if there’s anything left in that tank.

Or the conversation you have with him

Guy: Whew! That was amazing

Girl: Yeah, that was really something.

Guy: [snuggling as he pulls out] You feel good baby.

Girl: Hmmm [struggles to get arm out from under his fat head]

[Long pause]

Girl: So…….is that it or are you saving yourself for round 2?

Silence and heavy breathing. Dude is asleep like he ran a marathon.

No what 24 hour tubes does is it frees us from all of this nonsense. From Aug 2015 I will politely wake them up and ask them to leave because they’ve got their own bed somewhere and a means to get home without breaking the bank. Hell, I can even date people in zone 3 now! This my precious is the most revolutionary thing for women since Samantha Brick came out as beautiful.

Ok maybe not Samantha. Maybe since Belle du jour dropped her first book.

Here’s to 2015!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups