The same night that I met Fake Gay guy an old acquaintance was there. You know the ones that disappear when they have a partner then reappear the minute they are on the hunt again. Hmmmm.

I don’t think I’ve seen him for 4 years and couldn’t remember his name. This is strange as I remember most reasonable looking people’s names. So why couldn’t I remember his name? Let me see if I can describe him off the top of my head…… Dark chocolate, 5’9.5 – 5’11, 14ish stone, a little facial hair (just enough to accentuate the lips but not over power the face or hide a weak chin) and a body that looks like it sees a few days at the gym without being there doing off peak time every day. Yeah those 10-4pm gym bored black girlbodies are obvious. He was dressed in a suit and is objectively tasty. Why couldn’t I remember his name? Then he started to speak and I remembered. He has a monotone voice.  My body closes down and any moistness dries up. Dude sounds like he’s depressed.

I was not alone. Women who initially spoke to him with eagerness soon left looking perplexed and brain dead. Women ran away and squeezed their curves onto the one couch in an attempt to escape. I got a text from a friend asking me if he was always so dull and nicknaming him yawn fest.

He needed an intervention.  I wanted to help. No brother should be without the female attention he just because of one failing…..ok there were others but this was the worst. I asked him if there was something wrong with his voice. “Wasn’t it peboredrkier before?” he looked confused. I asked him if he was tired. He still didn’t grab onto my hint. Perk up dude! He said something about what he’d been doing for the last 4 years and I was transported back to Physics 101 at University. I dropped it half way through the year because nobody should be made to endure such bad delivery lecturing.

I can’t even make him sound funny or entertaining. He said that he was really busy with work and told me what he did but I swear I fell asleep with my eyes open because a few days later I’ve forgotten. Maybe if you are good looking the Universe compensates by giving you one flaw that is yours to overcome. Oh I’m sure he gets enough sex and attention but I can’t see many coming back for seconds.

No wonder I needed a nap sleepiness yawnfestearlier. Even writing about him has exhausted me. I think I need another nap. Maybe he’s a cure for insomnia?

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups