The wake up call
So this morning was my day off work. Not only hav I been recovering from jetlag but I’ve never really been a morning person. So when I went to bed last night it was with the gleeful thought that tomorrow I could sleep in until 10, watch crap on facebook and youtube and faff. I had nowhere to be before 12.30. The bliss of a faff is truly underappreciated. This was not me

Waking up with glee! Rachel_berry_waking_up

 

 

 

 

Instead I was woken up by a call at 6.20 am. I get up for work at 6.30 so even this was taking the piss. I saw a number but no name so picked up because, it had to be an emergency, right? No, it’s not an emergency. It’s a dude.
Me: Hello?
Idiot: Hey honey
Me: Who’s this?
Idiot: It’s me!
Me: Seriously, who is this?
Idiot: Tunde!
Me: Who?
Idiot: (chuckles) Come on sweetie, Tunde ? Sorry I haven’t called in a while but I’ve been busy.
Me: Tunde from where? Why are you calling me at 6.20am?
Idiot: (chuckles again. I honestly believe he thinks I’m being cute pretending not to know who he is) I’m calling to see how you are. Remember you told me that you woke up early?
Me: No. Am I being punk’d?
Idiot: hehehe, no. I’ve missed you sweetie.
Me: I don’t know who you are. What do you want?
Idiot: I want to meet up.
Me: Meet up for what?
Idiot : To talk .
Me: To talk about what?
Idiot: To talk about business, life, you and me dating. I want to take you out for dinner baby.
Me: (there’s no food in the fridge) Dinner? You had better send me a photo because I don’t know who you are.
Idiot: Ok I’ll whatsapp you and then call you back?
Me: No! Don’t call me back.
Idiot: Ok honey (chuckles to himself as if to say, this girl, pretending she doesn’t know me)

[click] I go back to a strange dream about the Neville brothers. I know, I’m kinda glad that was broken up. It was getting weird.

alarm-clock
10-20 minutes later my whatapp whistles. I wake up again as I’m blessed with an ability to fall asleep pretty quickly after nonsense calls. I open the pictures and recognise the 6 pack shirtless one from 2010. My online dating year. He’s taken the liberty of adding 2 more which I assume are more recent. He’s not shirtless and judging from the rotund shape under his shirt that’s probably a good thing. Don’t get me wrong my precious, I love me a budda belly but, only mine. No one else’s.
Me: We never met.
Idiot: We should. Are you single?
Me: Whatever dude. This must be from 4 years ago.
Idiot. Yes. Time flies my angel. Let’s have dinner.
Me: Right….well clearly it does for you.
Idiot: I am sorry I have not been in touch for a long time but I am here.
Me:LOL. Right. Well what kept you busy for 4 years? I’m not even sure what site we met through?
Idiot: Been travelling making more money but at least I didn’t forget you
Me: Joker

Jon Ham

 

 

 

Idiot: So what are your plans for the weekend ?
Me:I’m at a festival this weekend. (Trying to decipher the weight gain)So the 2nd picture is an old one? The 1st picture is more recent? (clothes on)
Idiot: Yes (he sends a third)
Me: (spotting a crucifix) are you religious now?
Idiot: No why? Lol
Me: The crucifix

And then my untrained eye spotted something in the 1st picture. A very blurred date. 2007? So that means the 6 pack photo is older than 2007? Who is this catfish and why is he trying it! I want to go for the dinner to see how big the lie is and I’m tempted as I’m only one disastrous date in for this year. My target is 12 dates. Hopefully not all disastrous. But, can I really afford another night of chatting shit with a dude who forgot about me for 4 years and may not even remember my name?

We’ll see. Let me look at that fridge again before I decide.empty fridge I mean, I could just shop and put it down to a horny guy calling on the off chance that I was horny too?
© Chelsea Black 2014

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups