We met on one of those adult friend sites. I know my precious, but, he was hot. He told me he was well hung and sent text pictures to validate his claims. Oh, and he was African. I really couldn’t ask for more from a potential friend with benefits.

But then he insisted that I wasn’t to fall in love. Apparently every woman he met fell in love with him. The arrogance of the man. Didn’t he realise that not all women are looking for love from every man we meet? No, we quickly decide if you are friend, fuck or future

I assured him that I would fight any love based urges and so we arranged to meet. On the day I waited for the confirmation text / call / facebook message but I didn’t hear from him. Had I been virtually stood up? Later that night he sent me a message saying that his friend had cancer and he had been in the hospital with her all day as she was dying.

Now, I’m no medical expert but something about this didn’t ring true. What he didn’t know was that I talked to a lot of people so when he told me more about his friend I corroborated his story with doctors and pharmacists who told me that the worst thing his friend had was the flu or food poisoning. I deleted him immediately cursing myself for falling for a smile and a big dick….again.

But then a year later and I had forgotten how ridiculously he had lied. Debating as to whether or not I should believe him when the friend request came in I saw that smile and caved. I mean really, who would fuck with karma so much and make up The Big C to get out of a date? Maybe he had been confused. And so my precious I began the dance of the penis text messages and late night flirtations.

We agreed to meet again and I figured surely even he wouldn’t be rude enough to cancel on me twice. We were practically friends. Well, we had 245 mutual friends!

But alas, this guy is surrounded by ill health as he again missed our date without explanation and later told me that …..his dog was ill and he had to rush her to the vet. I suspect that like his friend with Cancer his dog had a mysterious 24 hour ailment that would clear up the next day.

Now I’m no veterinary expert but I’ve studied men and realised that whilst he loved flirting online he clearly wasn’t going to come out from behind the safety of his phone. Either that or his girlfriend / partner / wife wouldn’t let him out to play. What ever happened to saying you had to work late?

But never trust a man who doesn’t believe in the power of karma my precious. Or a guy who sends you photos of his dick. No matter how big.

Smooches

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups