The train drain

Let me set the scene: It’s a Wednesday evening, the train is late and I’m 548 days into my celibacy sentence

So normally I take the train home with my Train Hubby but, ever since our disagreements over Brexit voting it’s not been the same. I endeavour to take the early trains and we do a polite office catch up instead. Besides, every time I went on a date he would be so negative that I was starting to think he wanted me to be single forever. Anyway, I digress

I was sitting on the train and a guy was sitting on the 4 seater chairs opposite. I was in the middle of a critical google search (what did the lines on my nails mean? Was I dying? Well yes but it turns out that it’s nothing) when he interrupted me to talk. I didn’t even bother to take my earphones out

Dude: Excuse me, do you live in Clapham Junction?

Me: Huh?

Dude: Do you live in Clapham Junction?

Me: No I don’t

Dude: Oh, because I’ve seen you around there.

Please note that we are on a train to Clapham Junction

Me: Nod politely with a tight smile

Dude: I live in Clapham Junction you see.

Me: Ah Ok

Dude: I work in Surrey. I’m a prison officer

Me: OK

Dude: Yeah I’ve been doing it for a year after I studied for it

Me: Congratulations

Dude (perking up): Thanks (he turns his whole big body towards me like he’s going to tell me a secret). There are two prisons but I work in the men’s prison.

Me: OK

Dude: So what do you do?

Me: I work for local government.

Dude then proceeds to tell me about his Housing Benefit woes and how he owes the Council £400 and is paying it back £40 a month.

Dude: So where do you live?

Me: Fulham

Dude: So do you take a bus from Clapham Junction

Me: Overground

Dude: Ah you change at West Brompton right? Yeah I used to work for Overground

He seems so proud

The only thing I can say about this dude is that he doesn’t need e to partake in the conversation

Dude: So I’m from XXX

Me: Yes I know where it is. West Africa

Dude: How do you know it ?

Me: I have an ex from there and friends

Dude: Where is your ex?

Me: Chicago

Dude: I have a friend in Chicago . His name is William Henson. Do you know him?

Me: No

Dude: Why are you smiling?

Me: Chicago is kinda a big place

I know. I had to stay there once as I missed a connecting flight. They put us up at the Holiday Inn

Me: Oooh fancy

Dude: Yes it was . So do you have facebook?

Me: No I don’t (I can’t lie well and he raises his eyebrows). I deleted it recently (not entirely untrue)

Dude: Ok so can I have your number?

Me: No it’s ok

Dude: Oh. Don’t let what you ex from XXX did put you off us.

Me: It hasn’t

Dude. (confused) Oh. Maybe next time then?

Me: mumbles something

The train finally pulls into Clapham Junction and I move into the aisle. Let me clarify that there are hardly any people on the train. So why can I feel this man’s body against my arse? Why is he touching me? I run off the train and up the stairs.

So, this is why! He’s turned what was already a micro-aggressive situation into a creepy one. So now when I’m rude to the next dude it will seem disproportionate. We’re tired.We just want to be left alone to google why our nails may have those weird lines on them

Sigh I almost wish racist Train Hubby was there. Almost

Happy Women’s Day!

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups