September 24, 2011 by

The sex club date

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Categories: Misadventures, Read More, Sex, Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Whilst virtual dating I tripped across an older guy who wasn’t my type but he insisted that we could be friends. I have since learned that this is no such thing as virtual friends who ever want to shag you.

He thought to sweeten the deal by inviting me to a sex club. Curious I agreed but said I would make my own way. We made plans to meet there.

And so I started a week of prep. I didn’t know what to expect but this club was not for the faint hearted. From the entrance fee of £80 each to the calibre of people (Many had flown in from Europe for the party). And I was not going to get caught with my pants down. Well, not straight away.

So I called the spas and got waxed until my skin shone, mani /pedi, facial and hair (wig) to the hilt. This was the fancy dress parties of fancy dress parties! I decided that cheeky burlesque would suit my sex club persona. And, this was all for research so surely I could write it off as a business expense?

When I arrived I noticed that there were oversized beds everywhere but ……no one was having sex? No, in a typically British way they were all getting drunk and it was VERY smoky. I decided not to drink in case I fell onto an unsuspecting lap.

I checked out each room until I met another girl who was alone. Most of the people there were in groups or couples but there were a few strays. She talked me through the ropes and disappeared. I saw her again later kicking off the proceedings with 2 guys. Get in! I’d met a connoisseur.

I got my chance not long after when a French guy approached me. I love the accent my precious but, being a size queen it became clear that we weren’t going to be friends. Then…. I spotted them. The black couple with a naughty glint in their eyes. Well he had a glint she looked like she would rather be watching Emmerdale and knitting.

Let’s be honest, not everyone is able to perform in front of a room full of strangers. Oh he tried. He tried REALLY hard but, hard was not going to be his friend that night. She on the other hand spent the whole time making noises similar to Asian porn and pulling her dress down to cover her pancake breasts. Why? No one could see her in that smoke.

Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse French guy tried to join in with his little trouser friend and in my attempt to escape him I …… fell off the bed.

So be warned my precious, sex clubs are a dangerous , dangerous places, least of all when there are big men with small cocks walking around drunkenly in the dark. Oh and I never did see the guy from the internet. But thanks for the invite dude.

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

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