So after my many attempts to avoid it my precious I too have succumbed to the somewhat soul destroying pursuit of ……internet dating

Oh I know I’ve done it before but I got fed up with African students or the European 50somethings that clearly had a black girl fetish (who wouldn’t). There is something about Dutch and Scandinavian men online that I just don’t trust. But this time my precious, this time is gong to be different because this time I have one essential ingredient I’m looking for …..SPERM

What you cry, with all the dating and intimate encounters I have and not a potential daddy in sight? Well you will be surprised to hear that I had a plan so fool proof that even I couldn’t mess it up.

I started off with the obvious solution to my getting older/ men are evil plan: The ex hubby. At first he was on board although he may have thought that it would get me to agree to a divorce more quickly. Oooh I sold it my precious. The turkey baster, access every other weekend and proof that not only was our marriage not a complete waste of time but his little soldiers weren’t drunken swimmers like their daddy. All was going swimmingly until HE discovered speed dating. 3 events and one puppy eyed 20something blonde later and he rescinded the offer. His parting words. “How would I explain it all to my mother?” His mother was a nurse. I’m sure she would get it.

Next were my 2 best friends from university. One immediately declared his love for me but pointed out the obvious. With his huge head and my larger than average butt the child would not only suffer life long ridicule but potentially may never be able to balance properly. The other friend was more keen than I was until the men in white coats came and took him away. Turns out the voices in his head are my fault and our kids would have grown up to rule the world. Hmmmm…….

But as you know I’m nothing if not determined. A few months ago I met a new ‘friend’ who surprisingly raised the issue of kids on our third ‘date’. He was so keen as to say that if I did get pregnant he would be happy to take the baby and I didn’t need to have anything to do with it. From then on I invested in my own condoms because there is nothing scarier to a desperate woman than a desperate man.

Foolproof huh? So I am back on the internet on a different sort of mission. A girl my age can’t afford not to have a plan. The world of internet dating for sperm seems exciting but if I’m honest its déjà vu. Lots of African students and Scandinavian 50somethings. Is this really my destiny?

Wish me luck my precious. I will let you know how it goes.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups