So over the years I’ve noticed a pattern to male behaviour on a Saturday. The sociologist in me has studied this further and my vague records show that there is indeed a pattern to football season booty calling. Alas many try to style it out with an early, ‘Hey Stranger? You good?’ but as most booty calls 1e26380d6f25098d16b2701ec039361care late night and desperate these are few and far between. And so now when a whatsapp or text comes in I check the time to determine what kind of booty caller we are dealing with. This after an ex tried calling me at 2am. Me? You think I’m alive to you? Nope.
Let’s get started:
Saturday Morning:
If he calls you on a Saturday before noon then this dude is a planner. He probably also supports one of the top teams so is quietly confident of a good outcome. We like planners. Planners have a plan. Hell, they may even have food and condoms and dvds you want to watch. Then again he may start a textathon early because he doesn’t like football in which case I don’t think he’s trustworthy. A man that doesn’t like football? Something dodgy there. Abort mission!
Saturday Afternoon:
His team aren’t playing so he’s not at the pub with the lads and so he’s got a bit of time on his hands and probably doesn’t have the right TV package to watch other DWryxwmWgames. We’ll allow this but know he’s going to have to leave pretty early if his team are playing on Sunday. Check the fixtures. It’s for your own good.
Saturday 6.30
The football is done. He’s called his mates to talk about the match and now he has some free time before tonight’s shenanigans. This is a cheeky chance to set out some expectations for later. He’s not promising anything but know that you are back up.
Saturday 8.30
That one friend is late and he’s waiting bored.You  can call this his foreplay. Chances are it’s the only foreplay you’re going to get from him so, all that witty repartee?  Savour it.
Saturday 10
He’s had enough drinks in him to test the waters for later. His team probably won today so he’s feeling good and wants you to feel good too. If his team lost then this is comfort sex which is not great for us but what he needs. Switch off the phone if Arsenal lose. You can’t run the risk of having to pretend to feel sorry for them as they passionately go through all the reasons why they should have won.

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Saturday Midnight
This is a confident move. The night is ending and he’s chosen you to be the lucky recipient of his company. Depending on how drunk he is you’ll decide who is hosting. Generally, he’s on his way. Tell him, bring snacks. Not booze. You don’t want to deal with trying to catch up with him on drunkenness whilst hoping he can still get it up later. Time for you to wind down those other whatsapp calls, no my Precious?
Sunday 2am
He tried to hit it with 3 women but that didn’t work out. One night stands are so passe. Even the last minute p1333077077826_7467777lay he’d warmed up wasn’t having it. He’s desperate. Are you? Proceed with caution because you don’t want to feel like the back up’s back up.
Sunday 4am
Drunk as a skunk and no use to anyone. Do not answer. I repeat. Do not answer! Check the spelling but, do not answer.
Sunday 6am
He did some drugs so he’s still high. I wouldn’t even bother getting up to pee at 6 so, leave him.
Sunday 10am
He’s just realised what a twat of himself he made last night and is calling to apologise. Oh wait, no, that’s us with our drunken dialling selves! Who’s to say that bootycalling is one way.
Enjoy!

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups