So, you think that you are adventurous with your one Ann Summers vibrator and a few raunchy novels? Well my precious, no matter how happy a man is he has a history. A PORN history and this is the file you need to tap into. Forget the ex file. That one’s simple. He couldn’t/wouldn’t commit. She flipped after 4 years and slashed his tyres/ football shirts/ music collection/ credit rating. Yep, we’ve all been there. The real drama is PORN.

Now you’re thinking, ‘not my man, I give him everything he wants and more’. No, you don’t. Most men desire more than matching undies, a blindfold, handcuffs and some chocolate body paint. (Don’t ask. Needless to say the sheets didn’t make it).

The first trick is to gain access then, quickly locate the heart of the man, the private collection. Send him out for some tampons then check everywhere including his internet history. Assume every man has porn and look for worrying signs of sex practises you’d steer well clear of when you’re drunk. Hey, if double anal penetration is your bag then go forth with glee! (and generous lashings of lube).But if you are more the “blow job on his birthday” type then make a plan to extricate yourself pretty quickly. But only after sex because you never know my precious, with the right man at the helm you may find yourself enjoying it. (Don’t ask. I just can’t tell you.)

Let’s not be judgemental now. Fantasies are a deep rooted thing based on early sexual experiences. He’s into Big Jugs Weekly because his first teacher had big jugs and didn’t wear a bra. Well, I guess they’re not that complex after all. Then again, I turned down a guy in a Soho sex shop who had been flirting a bit too hard with the blow up dolls. We all have our limits.

If you can’t find his stash then ask. Be careful, they are getting sneakier. My ex had all his porn on his computer – password protected downloads. He put up 15 minutes of resistance before I endured a long night of badly shot black porn. You know, with shots of the director’s friends in the background eating chicken? It got so dire that I pretended to be just as turned on by the mother/ daughter / boyfriend scene just so that I could seduce him in time to watch Project Runway.

But know that this isn’t about him. It’s about us making a choice. I know a girl who broke up with her partner recently after he made her watch his favourite film, “The Secretary”. I thought this made him slightly quirky and open minded. She saw it as signs of a controlling obsessive nature with masochistic undertones. So you see how important the porn files are. OPEN THEM!

Hmmm, I wonder if it’s too soon to ask her for his number? Nite my precious

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups