After the least sympathised breakup since Brian Harvey and Daniella Westbrooke we have now been told that Chris Martin and Gwyneth were in an Open Relationship but that he’s been unfaithful.  Boo hiss, no, why! How dare he cheat on Emma, I mean Gwyneth. She’s so blonde and perky and vegan. This feels so wrong. And with someone who was part of an entourage? Not even a mini celebrity like a Kardashian or an ex contestant from The Voice? (Maybe he learned from Giggs and didn’t go fame whore celebrity. Does Emma, I mean Gwyneth, have a sister?)

Chris Martin 2Then I thought about it again. I don’t think it’s technically cheating if the relationship is open but who am I to question the heteronormative positioning that is the Metro? And do we care where Coldplays stick their penises? He was hardly interesting celebrity fodder before he got with Emma so why should he get interesting now?

I’m being harsh but Apple’s mum brought celebrity glamour to that coupling and uncoupling. She brought Hollywood royality and was looking for her British Mr Knightley.  He brought songs and a commitment to Liberal vegetarian Fairtrade.  That was hardly a fair trade. Boom boom.

I think the whole Open Relationship thing is bound for failure. Like 3sums they sound great but most of the time you’re competing to beopen relationships the one that gets the most outside nookie or you’re just unable to deny yourself other people and want that get out clause. Yes, I’d love to find a man that wanted to be in an open relationship but let me have more outside nookie than he did. I’ve yet to meet this rare specimen and I suspect that if he did come into my life I would assume that he wasn’t that into me and walk out. Tres contraire.

So do we care whether he’s sleeping with some chick from SNL backstage ? No, because his crimes to humanity are far, far graver. He’s breaking up with Emma which means he’s no Mr Knightley and ….he’s still writing songs that put me to sleep. Apparently he suffers from insomnia. He should try singing himself to sleep.

Typically I ask myself why do I read articles by journalists so shit they don’t have their name on the Chris Martin and Gwynetharticle. Then I thought, is this what happens when you try to make up stuff like uncoupling when at the end of the day maybe he’s just done suckling her size A tits and, you were never that sexy to begin with Chris.

No, the most interesting thing about Chris Martin is that he was IN an open relationship at all. Well done Chris. You’re almost interesting….

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups