The joy of no sex

As most of us enjoy sex the thought of no sex is quite hard to contemplate. I rarely think about it as in a world where you can pop online and get sex within hours means that it’s hardly a scarce commodity.

But a couple of years ago I went on one of those celibacy diets where you were meant to spend the time getting in touch with yourself ( I took this to mean more porn and “me time” but the articles said meditation or yoga) and reconnecting with your spirit.

I’m sorry my precijoy of no sexous but there are way too many things going on in this here mind and time is short so I really don’t have time to reconnect with anything. I did however find there were more benefits to celibacy than the books tell you:

a)      You save on salon bills. I can say that not having sex has saved me on waxing, laser, pedicures and all of the other essential trips to the salon that we women choose to take. I think I’ve saved over a grand a year on not having to get naked in front of another person. A brief sexcapade this year highlighted just how exhausting salons are and I’m still resentful for having to listen to gospel and be told that my hair is damaged whilst paying for the privilege.

b)      You can slouch around in the house in anything. The comfy tracksuit pants from uni days are not a good look but when it’s just you and some Judge Judy on a Saturday night you can enjoy to your hurts content. I’m not going to lie. I got to the point where I had to ditch the pants and just lounge around in a robe. This is dangerous as a robe doesn’t tell you if you’re gaining weight but what do you care? It only matters when you are forced to get dressed.

c)       You don’t have to wash your bedding as often. Men sweat. Some were making me do a 2 weekly change of sheets and shit. That can’t be good for the environment. I’m now back to a weekly bedding change. Bliss!

d)      You don’t ever have to fix breakfast. I actually can’t remember the last time I ate breakfast before 11am. In fact I tend to just call it a brunch and move on. But with a man he wants feeding as soon as he wakes up and the mcdonalds is too far away for him to run up and sort both of you out.

e)      You don’t have to pretend that you’re having fun or that he knows what he’s doing. If it’s only sex nobody has time to set out a whole training regime. The one night stand of the 90s is long gone where men took pride in pleasing women. I’m much rather read about Karkrash Kardies.

f)       You can use your whole bed without wjoy of no sex 2orry of being attacked in the middle of the night by someone who thinks that duvets are for sharing. Yes, I know that sex doesn’t immediately mean sleeping over but until the tubes are 24 hours the reality is that it’s still a long way home to …..where ever he lives. And what’s with them scrunching up pillows? Grrrrr

Eventually you’re going to have to get back into dating and sex but sex for sex sake becomes less and less appealing. I’m just getting more selfish as I get older and, basically a little lazy. So despite missing sex a little bit I think there are great reasons not to have it. It takes up way too much preparation time and most of the time it’s disappointing because you’re not that into the person outside of the sex. I’m going to have to make a plan eventually I guess. Or, maybe I’ll just move closer to a McDonalds?

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups