April 3, 2015 by

The green banana

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Categories: BLOG, Latest

The green banana boy

I spoke to a friend of mine the other day about my love of plantain. They suggested I try green banana as it’s healthier. I promptly ventured into Fulham to find them as they don’t seem to sell them at Waitrose and there they were, right next to the plantain I’m so obsessed with. So I bought 3 and cooked one and then promptly threw the others away. Where was the sweetness? I tried frying it and boiling it and this thing just stayed hard. I can conclude therefore that I’m just not a fan of green banana. It just seems un ripened.

So the other day I was heading back from work at Earls Court waiting for a bus when a dude interrupted my green bananadaydreaming. I jumped in surprise and he apologised for scaring me and asked me which bus he needed to take to get to Clapham Junction. He was tall with a slight French accent and looked harmless enough. I told him but told him that it would be quicker to get to Clapham by tube. He said he’d lost his oyster card. I think this was a lie as how was he planning to catch a bus without an oyster? Maybe contactless or whatever but still…I think he just wanted to chat but he had nothing to say.

I shrugged and went back to daydreaming about my FuHu taking me on a boat ride and me looking elegant and content in the sun. The boy came back and asked me where I’m from. Oh it’s like that, he wants to flirt? I tell him and he says he’s going to South Africa in a couple of weeks. I ask him where he’ll be and he doesn’t seem to know much about it although he’s quick to tell me that Johannesburg is now safe for tourists. I look at him sympathetically. This one is like a green banana. So not ripe or tasty.

We exchange numbers because despite the fact that he’s young he’s from Congo and I’ve just read a piece on how they are the most well endowed men on the planet. Maybe his banana wasn’t that green after all….anyway, minutes later I receive a whatsapp and I’m already over it. I can’t with whatsapp relationships. I miss the joy of hearing someone laughing out loud instead of LOLing and emoticoning me to boredom.

The next day we start our relationship properly.

Green Banana: Morning bbe.

Me: BBE?

Green Banana: It’s Babe?

Me: So why didn’t you just write babe?

Green Banana: I was writing fast and I missed out a letter. Sorry.


Another day

GB: So what are you doing today?

Me: It’s Tuesday. I’m at work.

GB: What time do you finish?

Me: Late. Why? I’m not meeting up

GB: Noooo! LOL. I’m just trying to figure out your life so that I can imagine it

Me: Ok….

Yet another day

GB: Hello, you’re very quiet.

Me: I told you that I don’t like whatapp
GB: Oh ok, so cangreen banana 2 we meetup

Me: What for? I think you’re too young for me

GB: I can handle you you know.

Me: You can’t even handle your oyster card so I don’t think you can handle me

GB: Oh! [Frown face emoticon.]

And therein died our relationship. It was short and not very tasty. Like I say, I’m just not that into green banana. Give me a great big ripe plaintain any day

© Chelsea Black


Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups

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