Whilst everyone is on a diet or detox programme to celebrate the new year, I had a different sort of clear out. Yes my Precious, the home could do with a declutter but, I’m talking about a virtual one. A dial detox. Anything to avoid cleaning.

I recently tried to block someone on my phone only to find that I’d run out of blocks again! Between car accident and PPIs cold calls, those website dudes from India (thanks for nothing Godaddy) and ghosts from a Tinder / POF past I had more than 600 contacts in my phone. It was time to cull.

I realised that the majority of slide backs happen when drunk with phone in hand and when I was bored with more than a 20 minute cab journey to endure. I scrolled through the names and a lot of names didn’t ring any bells or I hadn’t heard from aside from one call. It wasn’t worth the block.

Besides, a block is not enough. You have to totally delete these people from your life. From your contacts, WhatsApp, email, social media etc. It can take time but it’s also time to lose some excess baggage and start screening your calls.

1,2,3 Delete  

The first step was to get rid of any names I didn’t recognise. Many more were frenemies who never ever reached out and yet I ran the risk of accidentally butt dialling and a forced conversation. I got rid of anyone with a Plenty of Fish or Tinder in their names too. Jeez, I’d spoken to a lot of wastemen in my time.

Axing Exes

Down by more than 50% I was faced with the tricky, emotional exes*. I found these to be the hardest ones to let go of a year ago as I love a heads up on their fuckeries. But, the speed of the delete showed me that they held no real power over my emotions (or their own in some cases).

* Please note that exes may or may not have been actual partners. In these modern times many are timewasters or wastemen who love to hone their skills.

All were permutations of the following:

  1. Idiot
  2. Prick
  3. Prick Do Not Answer (DNA)
  4. Dunno
  5. Last Minute dude from brown sugar
  6. The one with the bandanna
  7. He talks a lot /is moany/ Will want money – DNA

That was another 20 (ok 30) easily gone and my phone felt lighter already. My new rule is that if I don’t recognise the number because it’s not in my phone then Giff Gaff voicemail will have to catch it. Besides most of my exes are way too lazy to actually call me. They prefer the whatsapp and sneakiness of a message rather than catching me in one of my moods i.e. not in the mood for them.

Benefits of a dial detox

The final action was to call those friends I’d missed over the Xmas period and whose names got lost in the sheer mass of wastemen. So that took up half an evening. And it was positive. Finally an opportunity to talk to people who understood the ramifications of a hard Brexit and weren’t looking for sex or money! It’s therapeutic and you realise how much crap is in your phone. Never again. I’m going to operate a one in one out system like a doorman in an empty club in Mayfair. Shame, he got deleted too. I’m going to miss Mayfair doorman with the dodgy fade.

Next stop: Unsubscribing from all those random emails I never signed up for. Yay!

© Chelsea Black 2019

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups