6 months after the incident I found a bag stashed away and wondered what it was. There I found a shrivelled looking scrotum thing which brought back memories of a sex class I took
So for some reason I decided that a class on oral sex was a necessary part of my personal development. I don’t know why but when I heard classes I think pen, paper, take notes so I rushed out to Paperchase my favourite store that doesn’t sell Books, CDs, chocolate or champagne, to buy a new pad and pen. I decided pink was the way to go and didn’t think it strange at all that I was treating this like a university class. This was something I could use in the real world after all.
I went along to the class dragging my poor friend Nia with me just in case I wasn’t able to take everything down. I’m the one at the front of the class asking lots of questions and volunteering to help. Yes my precious I was that slightly over enthusiastic kid at school who was impatient when others read and they read slowly or lord forbid they hadn’t done their Latin homework. I mean, I love to learn! I think I status updated about this event weeks in advance. I was so excited and I was ready to be taken to the next frontier.
And so I arrived early found a seat at the front and waited for Nia. There were lots of women there giggling and talking about they didn’t know what to expect. From an oral sex class? Had they not done their homework? Did they not have a list of questions!?! But no, they thought turning up was the fun part.
The instructor arrived as did Nia. Many of the women gulped down their now luke warm proseccos and started to look like they would faint. I had refused a drink. I didn’t want to miss a thing. I left them to their nausea. I was there to take my blow jobs to level 2.
And then she told us to open our goodie bags in which they were condoms (score), lolliops (my oral fixation was satisfied) and …..a courgette?
Now as you know my precious I’m a size queen and my courgette was not…a size that I was willing to work with. I promptly swapped with Nia but STILL wasn’t satisfied. Maybe the organisers need to do more pre work or we should choose our own courgettes? That was one for the suggestion box. And what’s with the courgettes? Were cucumbers out of season or just too intimidating for the giggling house wives? Too many questions! Not enough time. I had to write everything down
So what did I learn?
1)I learned how to put a condom on with my mouth. A great skill yes if the courgette had been bigger. Now I’m scared to try it at home in case I fail. I refuse to date courgettes that small.
2) I learned that pineapple juice, water, celery and apple juice drunk 2-3 hours before sex makes his cum taste better. This sadly means that one has to stop drinking early and switch to the juice. And 2-3 hours of talking to them? Who wants that!
3) Some women who are in their 20s and 30s do not take their sex that seriously and are nervous around certain vegetables.
5) I also learned that I’m still that annoying kid who takes classes way too seriously. I did get all of my questions answered though as the others were too busy giggling over the fruit flavoured condoms. Amateurs
Just as I was leaving the class the organisers told us of a level 2 class. Finally! Something I could sink my teeth into (don’t worry, they taught us not to use teeth) but alas I went on it and it was all about the other parts of his body that I had very little interest in. And on top of that my aversion to courgettes hadn’t waned.
I still have my beautiful paperchase purchases though so all wasn’t lost.
(c) Chelsea Black.