The Christmas Roundup 2019

The Christmas Roundup 2019

Time for the Christmas roundup. This one is late as the Christmas parties have long been over but to be fair there were 5 of them and I’ve just been trying to get a little rest in where I can?

So what did we learn this year Ladies and Gentlemen? That single people still ain’t shit!

American Millennials

Ok so I host this event and as always make a concerted effort to get into the festive spirit through the old age art of fancy dress. I put on some free wine, a venue and we are ready to rock and roll. Then these American women come in with attitude and a face on them like Santa owes them something other than sour dick. They give my ensemble a disparaging millennial look like, isn’t auntie embarrassed to be seen out like this. No, Auntie fucking isn’t because Auntie still knows how to dress these curves little girlie. I try to engage them in conversation and the best they could come up is complaining about how London isn’t as cool as Brookyln. B* go home then.

 I don’t know them, but they happily partake in the free wine, flirt with the men and before I know it they’re bounced grabbing numbers on their way out. The next day I hear from one of the lucky gentlemen that his phone has already been blown up by them. I didn’t even get a bye. Whatever chicks.  The thirst was so noticeable that even the men were wary.

Small Black London

And every year there’s someone who forgets how small Black London is. One girl gets there and two of the guys take a step back like she’s poison. Realising they both know her they start urgently whispering and shaking their heads  Later they tell me that they both took her on a date and on one she ordered a burger worth £100. On the other she ordered enough food to take lunches in for a week. These were first dates! She comes up to me and feigns embarrassment as she tells me how awkward it is to be in a room with two of her exes. She’s got priors so I don’t laugh with her. Surely as a professional woman she’s embarrassed to use dating to feed herself? Apparently not.

Seriously, stop trying to get free stuff out of people you are dating. The first date is just a get to know you. He shouldn’t have to break out the Amex.

The Work Party

Ah the drunken Xmas work party joys. I hate them. I don’t drink and nothing that happened this year is that funny? Seriously, that thing with the ink cartridge and the window and….no. Still not funny Frank from Finance. And yet we must endure them for the optics.

This year Work Crush came to one that we’d gatecrashed. I got to talk to him for the first time and, no. He’s not the one. Apart from being married the word on the xmas party streets is that he cheats with mediocre middle aged Beckys. So it’s a no from me.

In other news a colleague tried to use the guise of  Christmas party to introduce me to an elderly gentleman he thought I could date. The same one I’d rejected online because clearly I’m not old enough for retirement dating. But, at least he tried to give him the gift of a date in 2019. Alas I’ve ended the date with zero dates and nothing in the pipeline. I looked cute in my Christmas outfit though so, winning!?!

Overall Christmas is a fun and flirty time but once again some abuse it. This is so not in the Christmas spirit. Here’s hoping we’ll all have more to celebrate in 2020. Right, I need to finish my entries into the family cook off. I’m not losing to some cookies made by a 4 year old again!

Merry Christmas all.

© Chelsea Black 2019

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