So yesterday as I was rushing out to a late lunch my neighbour’s kid was on the steps. He wanted to tell me about his trip to the big zoo. He saw gorillas and had a gorilla mask. So cute. I’m so late….

His mum came out and helped translate his 3 year old mutterings before giving me that look. You know the look that she had one of those delicate neighbour issues to discuss? what was it this time? I  wasn’t getting any so it couldn’t be a noise complaint. Maybe she wanted me to get curtains for my bedroom? My naked dancing had gotten out of hand recently. I prepared myself for the worst.

“Chelsea, about the cats”

The cats? I don’t have cats. Dating Recession may be fully in swing but I actually don’t get the pet thing. So you can’t get a hairy man so you get a furry animal? Nonsensical

But no apparently the cats have been wreaking havoc on our yards and shitting in the flower bed. Hmmmm.

My neighbour was surprised I hadn’t noticed. She spends a good 3 hours a day in the garden. I have spent….3 hours in about 4 years. We clearly don’t use our space in the same way.

Now I was going to shrug and walk away but she honestly looked concerned.

“The cats scare the birds away. And you know how much I love the birds Chelsea”

This I couldn’t argue with. Earlier in the year there had been a set to with my upstairs neighbour who had removed the bird feeder from the fence. She wrote passive aggressive letters on coloured paper and the bird feeder was restored to its rightful place. This woman loves her garden. She uses her garden. I barely crack open a window if I can help it. British Gas still haven’t fixed my heating. I can’t take risks.

I asked her what I needed to do about it. I foresaw a trip to a B&Q and shivered at the thought. This is not retail therapy. She told me there were a couple of remedies including a sonic sound device which I find vaguely interesting.

I agreed to look into it. I’m not spending good snack money on something that costs loads but if I’m honest these cats have got to go. If they’re causing a stink AND scaring away the birds then trust me, my neighbours are going to want to get together and sort this out. They are those sorts of neighbours. Bless em. Besides, it’s time I actually used the garden. Summer is almost over so this is all in preparation for next year’s BBQ.

So today I venture to a Homebase? Apparently Heals and Habitat don’t do them. This upsets me as the nearest Homebase is….somewhere south of the river.  Gulp!

Wish me luck my precious.

© Chelsea Black

Chelsea Black is a writer. Romantically seeking her Fubo (future boyfriend) she often gets distracted by misadventures. She is currently working on her second book, first baby (sperm to be confirmed) and first real career. Chocolate and cocktails are food groups