Tag Archives: weddings

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the marriage debate

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , , ,

So I’ve figured it out. It’s only taken me 30 years – yeah I’m 30 this week. Who knows what age I will be next week. Anyway I digress. Back in the olden days marriage was a great business arrangement between the middle and upper classes and financial survival for those that weren’t. Good times. Love was accidental and a privilege of a few.  They write about rare historical romances a lot.

Then, and I didn’t do history at GCSE but, I think there came a point where it was decided that marriage should be for love. I blame Hollywood.  This coincided with women not letting men have sex unless they married them.

Then came the biggest betrayal ever. These women got married and soon after stopped having sex with their husbands. I mean she had bartered her body for security so why did she have to keep putting up with the sex now that she had the ring. This was clearly before the Joys of Sex VHS / Beta Max videos were made.

Porn helped to relieve the tensions of husbands everywhere but to be honest, if I was a man who had been duped into marriage then given less sex than I had been getting before I would be royally pissed too! Yes women started working and contributing to the household but seriously? No sex?

And so to modern times when anyone can get sex from anyone, anywhere with very little bartering involved. You’ve got to love the internet.  A few glasses of something half way decent and a meal that isn’t fast food and most guys are a shoe in. Of course they can’t say anything too stupid and they have to pretend that eventually they too will want to settle down and have sex.  I mean kids!

So here is my question. Why would any man want to get married? Why would he give up his freedom and financial earnings? I don’t get it. Sperm is the one thing that we need a man for as the sperm bank won’t give out photos in this country.

As I watched yet another painful episode of Don’t Tell the Bride I got it. I don’t actually want a marriage either. I just want a wedding and a father for the sprogs whose photo I’ve seen. Reality bites. Marriage in and of itself can be quite redundant if not for business.

So my view on marriage has really changed since my last marriage. It’s not a bitter response to a divorce. Instead an acknowledgement that marriage in and of itself isn’t the commitment we women think it is. The number of married men I’ve inadvertently slept with well, I know how many of them aren’t getting enough sex at home. I see that some women see it as the final tick box in their life journey but seriously, it’s the beginning of the end for most as many become a clone of the institution and lose their fabulosity.

So here’s to alternative lifestyles and looking at life as an individual journey. Let’s move beyond this era where women try to trick men into marriage and yet don’t have a real reason to get married. Marry for love, sure, marry for children if you feel that is the way but don’t marry because you think that you need to do so to be a complete woman.

I’m off to look at cats

© Chelsea Black

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Wedding expo blues

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Categories: BLOG, EVENTS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

Wedding Expo

She’s getting married. She’s 4 years younger than me. I’m not jealous. I’m happy for her.

OK I’m a bit peeved that she’s getting married and I’m struggling to make it to the tricky second date. But to be honest that’s not my main concern. My main concern is that I’m expected to get involved in the wedding and care as much as she does. Why? It’s not my wedding. Mine is all ready and good to go. I’ve got a notebook with all the details in case I ever suffer amnesia and I can push that baby out in 3 weeks once the groom has been confirmed… found…sedated into submission, whatever!

Anyway I can’t say too much about the details of said wedding as 1) I’m not party to the majority of the details. The theme is a surprise, even to me. 2) Because I’ve been married before I’ve been warned that I’m not allowed to boss or advise. She wants to make her own mistakes and 3) she’s a bridezilla in the making.

The wedding is over a year away and already the signs are there. I was told that I would have to lose weight by March as that’s when the fittings start. This as I was dragged around a wedding expo in Earls Court listening to false patter about how that dress would look wonderful on me before they quickly turned away when they realised I wasn’t the emotive credit card wielding bride. One coked out looking guy gave his aggressive sales patter for a Hen party spa day on Kings Road and then ruined it by asking if I was the mother of the bride. I will NEVER go to Faces on Kings Road. Ever.

Bridesmaids, as that is what I am going to be, are cheap labour. We are forced to do all of those jobs the groom refuses to do and look like we are enjoying it. I don’t understand why this fallacy is supported by all of society. I want out. I want to turn up on the day, dress in a dress that fits and get drunk like she did at my wedding. But something tells me I’m going to be on duty all night in case one of the errant 5 children allowed to attend come within 5 metres of her dress.

Back the expo and I’ll say this: Wedding expos are for brides who haven’t got an original or creative bone in their bodies. Like in Don’t tell the Bride where they all bleat on about wanting a traditional English wedding in a drafty church I always assumed a wedding was meant to be something you do with the groom. A massive party to announce to the world that if anyone dares touch either of you again the other has legal rights to beat you up. No?

I’m not really a fan of expos. A bunch of sales people trying to sell you a dream home overseas which turns out to be a B&Q tool shed or Erotica….selling cheal home counties sex for those who don’t get any. At least the French expo I went to 5 years ago had decent food. This one had cheap champagne and stodgy cake. I gave all samples my best shot but, how am I expected to lose weight by March at this rate?

Pray for me my precious, this is going to be a LOOOOOONG trail of a year.

© Chelsea Black

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The proposal The timing

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

It’s 29th of February so women are supposed to propose to the guy? Erm, not during a #datingrecession. Women are not about to buck tradition and get down on one rickety knee and I’ll tell you why…..it’s not our job to say when. That’s really the only thing you will ever have a say in again so fellas, own it. We do everything else. You just don’t always realise it bless you.

When is the right time to propose?

It’s tricky as we are all ready at different times but I personally reject all marriage proposals made within 3 weeks of meeting or before, during or after sex. Er, hello! You’re naked dude so where’s the ring? Clearly this isn’t well thought out. I’m partial to within 6-18 months though as after that you’re wondering into time waster zone. So the answer is

When you’re sure

I’m not a fan of the long engagement. Propose because you want to get married to HER not because she is pressurising you into a wedding before her Granny dies. Granny has been on death’s door since 1986 and I swear I saw her leading a congo at the last family bash so do it in your own time.  Most men say there is a moment when they know. Seize it and put that woman out of her misery. And it’s never cool to retract an engagement or to have an engagement portfolio.  One of my exes broke up with me and got engaged to someone else 2 weeks later. He’s now getting married to a 3rd lady. Good job rings can be recycled huh?

Make sure she’s sure

Best propose when you know she’s going to say yes! Don’t propose to make up after an argument, after you’ve cheated or when you’ve done one of your 2 week disappearing acts.  In the back of her head she will always wonder if the proposal was genuine. Besides some may just say no because she knows your mum just chucked you out and you are looking for a place to stay. That said some women really don’t want to get married. Either been there done that or can’t think of anything worse than shacked up to anyone. Or….maybe it’s just you?

But don’t take too long.

Hello! Eggs wait for no man. I’m fed up of speaking to men in their late 30s and 40s who still aren’t ready. Be honest, tell her she isn’t your future wife and let her get on with her life. Steal that one recipe that’s keeping you there or teach your little miss new boobs how to do the splits but don’t I beg you keep a woman waiting for ever. Wrinkles aren’t hard to photo shop but that desperate look of bitterness that you made her wait 6 years? Impossible. My motto is simple. Marriages don’t always last forever but wedding photos are for life! Don’t ruin them

Happy 29th February!

© Chelsea Black

Join in the discussion on Proposals and Marriage tonight on In Bed with Chelsea 10pm to midnight on www.playvybz.com

 

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