OK so all over my timeline people have been bitching about Louis Walsh. I for one would like to stand up for Louis. He is just doing his job. Being Simon’s bitch isn’t easy but Louis does it year in year out with hardly a complaint except at how long Tulisa needs in makeup.  He is surrounded by younger and more inexperienced judges. He’s got to bitch. It’s all he’s got. Experience and bitchiness.

Louis is the old man in the office that knows the history of the place. He’s seen acts and judges go but somehow through redundancies and leadership changes he’s hung on. He knows who is shagging who and who will never sleep with him no matter how many weeks he keeps them in. Why is he there? Because everyone thinks that the place will fall apart without him.

And it would. Who else would be the one making stupid decisions with nary a care for anything but his pay check? Tulisa? She’s got her own failed solo career to contend with. She can’t afford to piss off middle England. Gary? Nah he’s got 10 mouths to feed. He’s supporting a family, Take That and a ‘mildly depressed that he’s not making hits like Angel anymore’ Robbie. Nicole Shwashwashwa? (Apologies, I can’t be bothered to google it) .No she has to think about ways to keep the boredom that is her relationship with Lewis interesting. I’m anticipating a breakup in week 7 or 8. Or a Kelly Rowlands style disappearance. Hmmmm she’s not creative our Nic.

But back to middle management Louis. Not even given Head Judge status. Why? Because nobody respects him. Everyone knows that he will keep the Irish lasses and the cute boys in with a flip “I loike yas. I think yous got potential.”  Thanks Louis. Still sticking to the lines. He’s the teacher who still follows his notes from 1985. He’s the guy at work that tells everyone what’s going to happen, predicting doom and gloom on anything that hasn’t been done before. Remember Marie who lost out to the Irish Nolans? Hmmmm, I barely do either. Louis saw to that.

Bitchiness is rewarded in Judges. Beat up a toilet attendant over an overpriced lollipop and watch your career fly. Blackberry blowjob and you’re named sexiest woman of the year.  Louis is just keeping the bitchy in there so that he can compete with the other girls. Gary is in a league of his own. This is why Mel B won’t be on it again. She was Senior management Bitchy. Louis will always be survival of the Kylie career style bitchy: not very talented but you’ve gotta give it to the old dog, he’s still there.

You’ve gotta love Louis.  He’s the one judge who over criticises when everyone else is being nice. Why? Because he can’t tell what is too much. And sometimes the ear piece he has connected to Simon’s arse is a little snug making him say random things like “You’ll never make it! You’ve not got what it takes. No one will vote for ya,” before realising that he was meant to put the 3 kids from Cork through. He is why most of you will switch back on and shout at the TV. That and the car crash that is fame whore Rylan. (Is this a mesh of Lee Ryan I wonder?)

Happy X factoring. Or in Rylan’s case sunbed factoring.

© Chelsea Black

I would like to point out that I haven’t actually watched X factor since Leona won so if Louis HAS gotten some new catchphrases be sure to send them to me.