Tag Archives: timewaster

by

The Bachelor

1 comment

Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

The Bachelor

Another beast we choose to ignore in the hopes that he will change his spots. Alas my precious it is not always to be. Some men are confirmed bachelors. Happy and content somehow we women see this as a challenge. With us he will be different. We will be the ones to break him and get him to give us his life of drinking out of the juice carton and leaving the toilet seat up. Do this at your peril Ladies as the Bachelor is committed; committed to himself and his lifestyle. Don’t believe the movies. They rarely change until they hit the age when they realise they may die alone and quickly marry a young thing with big boobs and no real expectations. The Bachelor is not to be confused with the bitter divorcé, the perpetual baby, or the bastard. The bachelor really doesn’t see the need in ever being in anything more than short relationships. Hours to months but rarely years. So here are the Bachelor signs:

What’s his living situation? If he’s of a certain age and happy living at home or with housemates with mention of ever moving this is not a good sign. Has he even lived with a woman before? Normally you can tell as they may be a little better housetrained. Does he always come to yours and keeps his space to himself? The sacred Bat Cave…hmmm it’s not looking good is it?

Has he even been close to marriage before? I mean engaged or a relationship for years? Something tells me he hasn’t been sitting in that bedsit waiting for you to turn up and make him realise what he’s been missing all of his life. He has a big screen TV (trust me) he’s seen the sitcoms and soaps. A relationship isn’t a new concept. It’s just not one that he wants any part in. He loves the sex mind.

What is he telling you? Most talk about all the plans they have and you’re thinking ooooh he’s so ambitious but usually those plans do not include you. It’s the boys’ trip to the world cup in South Africa that should have been my clue. He was talking about it in 2007 and was all excited. The precision and focus he put into that one trip and every ski trip he planned was evidence that when motivated he could plan. This didn’t translate to our dates to Nandos.

Does he say he wants out? Most do but being men they can’t just say it so they say:

  • ‘I need to clear my head for a while’…then you’ll see photos of him out on the lash on Facebook or him flirting hard on Twitter.
  • ‘I like things the way they are. It’s nice to hang out once in a while.’ That means him living in Kent and you living in London is somehow the best situation for him
  •  ‘My Uncle John is my role model he’s the dogs Bollocks.’ Uncle John is the dirty old perv at weddings with the need to look with his hands and has never married.
  • ‘What’s the point in Marriage? It’s just a piece of paper.’
  • My mate Paul is getting married. Stupid sod. He only went and got her pregnant’ meaning there would be no other reason for a sad person to get married but the condom to have failed (probably because it was still in his wallet)

These are all signs that relationship is not on his mind. Yes that’s right Marriage is not on his menu. Move on!

© Chelsea Black

by

You know you’ve been Friend Zoned

No comments yet

Categories: DATING TIPS, Misadventures, Recent Posts, Tags: , , , , ,

 

So recently I was listening to yet another guy I thought I was getting to know talk about some woman he really liked but she was giving him mixed messages and what did I think it all meant when it hit me…..I’d been friend zoned yet again! Why does this happen to me? Apart from the fact that I let it happen it’s clear that some people are just that good at putting you in the stealth friend zone department. And perversely it’s as if they are flirty when they’re not sure that you like them but the minute they know that you like them….game over.

Let’s be clear people. If you go on a date with somebody this is not a precursor for a friendship. Surely we all have enough friends that we don’t need to be meeting new ones on dating sites or clubs. If you are one of those men or women who don’t have enough friends please make yourself known. I’ll give you some of my zone 4 friends I’ve been trying to lose for a while.

Please be careful my precious these relationships are easy to get into with those ambiguous individuals who never state their intentions clearly but instead seem to love having objects of their desire fluttering around them.

Here’s my new mantra. If I’m friend zoned then I’m grabbing my purse and I’m running. these people are pure energy suckers and timewasters. Why? There is nothing worse than being in that friendship where you want someone so badly but instead you have to smile at all their stories of woe with someone undeserving whilst you’re thinking “Pick me! Pick me!”

But in the mean time here are the top 12 clues that you’ve been friend zoned

You know you have been friend zoned when HE:

1)      Starts calling you mate, buddy or blud

2)      Stops calling you luv, sweetie and gorgeous

3)      Refers to you as clever, smart, funny, quirky, rock chick or…unique.

4)      Used to say sexy, gorgeous, cute, lovely

5)      Starts telling you about his issues with other women or issues at work

6)      Gives you hugs that last between 1 and 3 seconds max. Never a kiss.

7)      Never calls you but when you call is really pleased to hear from you them starts talking about himself

8)      Calls to make plans last minute cos the girl he likes cancelled

9)      Invites you around and doesn’t even bother to tidy his underwear away

10)   You go to the movie and he insists you both watch some crap that you hate

11)   Burps and farts in front of you and says “Better out than in”

12)   Tells you how much of a GOOD FRIEND you are

 

You know you have been friendzoned if SHE:

1)      Calls you when she has something wrong with her IT or car

2)      Calls you when she needs money

3)      Calls you when she needs someone to go shopping with

4)      Calls you when something in the house needs fixing and says she’ll leave the key under the mat

5)      Tells you that she’s grumpy cos she’s on her period and can be a right bitch. Wanna hang out?

6)      Says “why do men do that?” when telling you about other guys. Like you will have the answers

7)      Tells you all her crazy family gossip

8)      Allows you to see her with her face unmade up, hair undone or weave out.

9)      Awwwww ‘s at you a lot or refers to you as a teddy bear

10)   Gives you that pity look when you talk about being single. Like she can see why you are?

11)   Calls you when her date left her in the club for being a drunken lush but still doesn’t give up the p**sy.

12)   Tells you she sees you like a brother. No one wants to fuck a brother.

 

That’s it! I’m devising a 1st date feedback form. Cos none of us want to live with the not knowing and these clangers of clues that men and women drop.

 

Happy Dating / Friend Zoning!

 

© Chelsea Black

 

by

The tool

1 comment

Categories: Misadventures, Recent Posts, Tags: , , , , ,

The tool

There are many useless appliances in my flat such as the hand held blender, 5 different heat stylers and the iron that barely get used. But I have never owned a power drill. I thought about buying one but when I looked in Argos they didn’t have any in pink and the others just looked too big and serious.  I couldn’t see myself drilling and enjoying it so eventually I decided that this was one item I could live without.

But then a year ago I bought a desk which now sits in various pieces in the office simply because the instructions say it needs a power drill to assemble. I may be a self-professed feminist but I still have flashbacks of me struggling to put together the bed the John Lewis delivery man said would take an hour to assemble. Half a day and a trip to the chiropractor later I was looking at a skewed bed and left over parts. It still can’t take too much weight on it which given the amount of time I spend on it, isn’t a good thing.

So somehow I decided that this was going to be my glass slipper. It’s always hard to choose who to see when you have options. The guy that could come over with a power drill and put up this desk for me would be my prince charming.  After all aren’t we meant to find partners who compliment us? I clearly like to shop and buy things I can’t assemble. Ergo I need an assembler.

An easy task you may think. I thought so too. I was convinced that most men would proudly own one. In fact I was surprised that there were no photos on dating sites with men in tool bells and not much else. Trust me fellas, this would get you soooo many dates.  It turns out that finding a man with a good power drill is harder than finding an online date that doesn’t lie about his height. This didn’t make sense to me. I remember many a dull trip to B&Q with the ex to find that one screw that would raise his shelving to such heights we invited the family over for viewings. I don’t mean they have to be DIY obsessive as that is as dull as gym obsessed men. I mean, I have pots and pans that have never seen boiling water. So surely someone has drills and DIY stuff that they hardly use?  My pots are pretty though.

There was the one guy who said that he could do it for me.  I was impressed. Then he revealed that he would have to wait until he was back at work as he didn’t actually own the tools and he’d never done anything like this before. This was the same guy who couldn’t remember his wallet when we were meeting up. Could I trust that he would use the right bits? I envisaged myself tweeting away at the desk when it would collapse so I politely declined.

Then there was the youngster who boasted about his drill and said he could even assemble the desk for me. This was one of those gym obsessed younguns that certainly seemed to have the muscle to put behind some manual labour…wait a minute, I need a second. Ok I’m back in the room.

Sadly on that fateful night he lost the ability to use his fingers or phone as I haven’t heard from him in 6 weeks. I’m guessing that would preclude him from using a drill. What a tool. I guess the only drilling he really wanted to do wasn’t electrically operated.

Eventually I left the desk to one side but I did manage to hang a mirror and a picture with the help of a girlfriend. And I’ve ordered a pink power drill off the internet. Finding this elusive man clearly wasn’t happening. I guess a girl has to know that sometimes her prince charming may come in the right packaging but need assembling.

© Chelsea Black

 

1 2 3 4 5 8 9
%d bloggers like this: