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Thank you and update


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Sex Etiquette ABC

Hello my Precious,

We have reached the end of the 30 day challenge and I’m going to miss blogging about random things from proposing (not looking good for my 29th February proposal. He appears to be on the run) to stupid questions men and women ask. Oh and a popular choice If I were a boy. I’m not bitter by the male backlash darlings I just know better now. I even managed to convince someone to join me on the challenge for the last 8 days.

Thank you so much for all the feedback, comments and words of encouragement when I was ready to throw in the towel and reach for some chocolate and champagne instead. I did live on Haribos though (I wonder if they would sponsor me in Haribos?)

But now I have to keep myself busy and out of trouble for another wee while. So  whilst I work on the radio show (Come listen to In Bed With Chelsea on playvybz.com every Wednesdays 10pm – Midnight) I’m starting the next challenge which is Sex Etiquette A-Z. This is not to be confused with ABC sex which is sex only on Anniversaries, Birthdays and Christmas. What madness!  What if all of those fall in December? Withholding sex drives me crazy (Oooh adds another to W). Anyway I digress.

So why etiquette?

As you know I have been experiencing somewhat of a #datingrecession and according to a lot of you I’m not alone. I realised that some of this was just because some people didn’t have the same rule book on what’s appropriate behaviour and what’s not. Talking about wanting to rape me on date one, not appropriate. Telling me I want to rip your clothes off on date 5 appropriate.  In fact no. Why weren’t you telling me that on date 3? You’re late! You would think it was simple but apparently not.

Dating is all about the nuances and words used. It’s the fun sell and marketing towards sex and relationships.  Sex then should be much more simple right? Navigating the world of sex it seems is fraught with issues at the best of times but it upsets me when people don’t even have the basic etiquette down pat. We are all grown folks people. Then again as I’ve given up sex for Lent this may just be a way for me to legitimately explore Porn sites and Google words like Quim. You never know where this will end up. So are you with me? Let’s go!

And thanks again for all the support. Snogs and butt grabs all round.

Starting this week everywhere at a device near you with the letter A. Where else?

Happy sexing!

© Chelsea Black




Once upon a time

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Categories: Misadventures, Recent Posts, Tags: , , , , , , ,

What better way to end than with the beginning?

Once upon a time there was a thirty something year old princess who lived in a shoebox. The recession had yet to descend like a fog over London and property prices were swirling out of control.

She hadn’t always lived in a shoebox. Oh no my precious, her previous abode had been a 3 bedroom end of terrace castle in leafier Ealing with her then prince.  A sweet man, they had decided that happily ever after wasn’t to be their ending and he had banished her from the Ealing castle to a dungeon of a shoebox. Sweet yes but charming he clearly was not.

So swearing never to love again she took all of her belongings (including a multitude of smaller shoeboxes) to live in her shoebox dungeon in Chelsea. At first she was happy to enjoy life outside of the castle. Cocktails and chocolate became her constant companions. She joined a band of merry singletinis and, although often ill-advisedly, she experimented with fancy dress and karaoke

Despite enjoying her shoebox she realised that her time in the dungeon could be better utilised if she actually tried to find a new prince. Not that every princess needs a prince but with a penchant for romantic comedies and an unfavourable economic climate it made both emotional and fiscal sense.

But where to start? In her twenties there were princes everywhere battling for her student hand but as she entered her thirties she noticed that fewer princes seemed to be around. Where had they all fled?

Then one day on a rare trip back to Ealing she stumbled across a psychic at the fair. She asked about her love life and the psychic said she couldn’t see anything in the cards. She asked again and the psychic looked confused and said that nothing was coming up. The princess was flummoxed. The psychic told her, “Go and seek it and take note of all that is around you.” Confused and disappointed the princess returned to the shoebox dungeon to reflect. And then it hit her. Maybe her prince couldn’t find her! Maybe he wasn’t very partial to the District line, something she could sympathise with entirely. Or maybe he was just running on African time?

So she decided to be brave. Why couldn’t she be the one to go out there and slay tube delays for her happily ever after? She was a romantic feminist princess after all. (DIY and vermin excluded).

And so began the princess’s adventures. She started updating about her misfortunes and was asked for more. Ah! Perhaps the psychic had meant that she take notes? She started out with a 6 month internet dating subscription confident that in that time she would find a prince with charm. That was 5 years ago.

That princess is me my precious. My name is Chelsea Black and welcome to my misadventures. And maybe, just maybe you will find tales in here that will remind you of the joy of a happily ever after.

© Chelsea Black


My Lent Dilemma

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WARNING THESE RAMBLINGS ARE ALL ABOUT ME!! (but then, aren’t they always? Hmmm)

The hedonist in me means I tend to follow those things that I enjoy and for whatever reason Lent is a nostalgic indulgence I partake in. Blame it on the Catholic Schooling but I just love testing my resolve and giving something up. Yes, yes you can also do more of something good or charitable but I think dating those that aren’t worthy means my charitable status is covered don’t you?

But this year my precious I’m in a bit of a quandary because…I’m not sure what to give up. Normally I would just add in some facetious ones like men with double lives or men who lie but then, that’s the equivalent of giving up on all men and, I’m just not that cynical yet. So here are the options. You decide but make it quick as Lent starts today! (Sashays off in search of some champagne and chocolate for breakfast just in case)

1)      Chocolate

Chocolate and I have had a long long relationship. I would tell you how long but then my FuHu (Future husband) would be jealous because he would know that he could never compete with the greatest love of my life so far: Lindor Lindt red balls.  Nothing is better than lying back on the couch and rolling one of those balls in my mouth. But I digress

In the only episode of Masterchef worth watching Michel Roux Jr. said “A day without chocolate is a day not worth living”. Of course he was talking about proper chocolate. I’m talking about a twix or a twirl. Technically I’m told that Twix is a biscuit so I could give up chocolate and still have twix right? See I’m already looking for loopholes and with the madness of easter eggs already out I suspect that this one may prove hard to bear. Everyone knows that easter eggs are the height of indulgence.

The thing is today I passed Rococo on Kings Road and saw that they were looking for an enthusiastic sales person. I’m not enthusiastic about sales but surely I could be enthusiastic about chocolate selling? This one would be to get rid of Maxine Saj (my budda belly) and not because I think chocolate is evil because it isn’t. It’s my friend.

2)      Alcohol

I would give up alcohol I really, really would but I’ve noticed that if I have to get through a date sober then sometimes it leads to me telling them what I think about their 45 minute monologue on topics like the differences between the firefox and chrome. I still don’t know and REALLY don’t care. Or their favourite topic; how evil their ex is and why he will never ever love again. Good times. Plus I have 4 parties to get through including one with 7 year olds who are fine but their mothers who are not. Best I have a little something to help me from telling them how evil their children are, right?

So I’ve decided that this one will only be considered if you can promise me the following

a)       that I won’t have to deal with any idiots on public transport walking really slowly and making me late. Tourists are included;

b)      That I won’t have a hard work day after which instead of killing a client I chant vodka cranberry 10 times under my breath until I make it safely to a bar or;

c)       hear those grating words “when are you going to get married and have some of your own?” from seemingly well-meaning friends who are really just rubbing their own 3rd pregnancy in your face.

Aside from this again it’s great for killing off Maxine Saj and cleansing the system. It’s conditional!

3)      Sex

Sex is an amazing pursuit if done properly. Luckily for us most people are only mediocre at it and it takes a while to find a natural rhythm. Those that claim they regularly have an amazing one night stand…that’s the alcohol talking darling and I suggest you don’t give up 2 if you are going to still have sex. Sober sex you will find is completely different on a one night stand. You realise how much you’ve compromised on your standards when the beer goggles are off.

I’ll miss it of course and 40 days is a long time to go without food. I mean sex but, I think this is one that would be good for my sanity. Because whilst I date and still have a little sex on the side, you know, just to make sure that everything still works it means that I don’t have to date with the intention of having sex. Which means I don’t ever really have to bother making too much of an effort do I? Anyone say self-sabotage?

4)      Dating

…Which leads me on neatly onto option 4. So I could pretend that my dating track record was really great but I’ve become one of those 1 date women who either doesn’t get a call back or doesn’t answer when the call comes. There is only so many times I can watch a man spit in the street before my stomach churns over. I give good first date. It’s all a bit too job interview now. You put on your suit and prep as much as you can (don’t mention the body under the patio) and then hope that conversation don’t run dry. Then you have to wait for that feedback call that may or may not come as he goes through the other 3 women he met on the largest dating sites available Facebook and Twitter.

So giving this up would be good for me because clearly something isn’t working. I keep dating men who are either dysfunctional or don’t want me (cue violins but please no Pachabel Canon. I’ m saving that for the wedding).

5)      Porn.

Yes I thought about it for a second but I don’t have a TV or a radio so giving up porn would be like giving up my only contact with the outside world. Or I just don’t want to. How else will I keep up to date with what all the real people are wearing when out selling cookies if not through this educational media? Nope, I’m vetoing this one so don’t even bother mentioning it. If I can’t have sex then porn will have to suffice for now. I’ll sit through reams of bad acting for the greater good.

6)      Notice that Haribos didn’t make the list? Don’t judge! You give up your addictions one at a time. Yes I may commit to doing more exercise as let’s face it one 10km run a week is hardly a win or doing more work but, it’s so much easier to give something up then to do something good don’t you think?

So I’m thinking a combinations of 1, 3 and 4 would be best for the universe. Giving up alcohol would just be plain bitter when all I drink these days is prosecco and champagne. Slimming!

Happy Lent day

© Chelsea Black

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