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You know you REALLY like them when

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Tags: , , , ,

You know you REALLY like them when …..

Ok just a light hearted one to highlight the joys of meeting and being with someone who treats you with respect and makes you want to get naked all the time. Enjoy!

  1. You don’t want the date/dinner/ dance to end but you are worried that your breath won’t last much longer
  2. You find yourself smiling unexpectedly at something silly they said days earlier then trying to explain it to a blank faced colleague. You tail off with, ’You had to have been there.’
  3. You’ve imagined what you kids could look like. Please note that whilst this is bordering on crazy, writing your married name over and over again, changing your virtual name to theirs or naming your yet to be conceived kids is something you may do but MUST keep to yourself. Trust me, they never see the funny side – Chelsea Giggs.
  4. They ring and your heart races into your throat. You would think this would make you sound sexy but instead they think you  are ill which derails the conversation from why they called.
  5. You find yourself living room dancing spontaneously because you’re just so damn happy. Please remember to draw the curtains and switch off the uncool music before picking up the phone.
  6. You’re hanging with someone else but you are thinking about them. (side note – this CAN make mediocre sex better. Don’t be afraid to shut those eyes tight and imagine away. If in doubt stick both hands on your substitutes back as this is less likely to differ that much…unless they are more chubby)
  7. They don’t call when they were supposed to and it’s like your football team lost the Champions League final (only Arsenal and Man U fans can truly appreciate this reference)
  8. You can imagine what they will look like when you are both 84. Why is this image always on a porch in the Deep South somewhere (Our children note: no care homes please)
  9. Every love song or romantic verse reminds you of them. Even the breakup ones which is mildly disconcerting
  10. You find yourself segueing them into a conversation about something completely different just to talk about them.  
  11. You think something random or profound or really rather boring and can’t wait to share it with them. Try to hold it in.
  12. They’re coming over and your bedroom looks like one in a hotel. Broke out the good linen because they are worth it eh? (I’ve done this once. It is hardly ever worth it. Save the good stuff for yourself)
  13. You look at a photo of your celebrity crush and suddenly they just aren’t all that special. This feeling will fade and you and celebrity crush will spend many a day dream together again. So don’t renounce your fan club membership just yet.
  14. You’re shopping and you see things for them as well as yourself. Don’t get it twisted. A shopping trip will never ever be just about them. But it’s nice you thought of someone else for once.
  15. You randomly recall a sexy moment you shared and your tummy lurches. This can look quite strange in public. Pass it off as some trapped wind and keep on walking.
  16. You analyse everything they’ve ever written or said for clues that it was really their way of telling you that you’re special. Them calling you by his exes name is a clue that it may not be you that’s special. Them not calling or writing even less so.
  17. You think of reasons to hear their voice. They don’t really need to know that the gas man has been and gone do they? Oh but they do.
  18. Things that would normally be a deal breaker don’t seem to matter anymore.
  19. You have conversations with them in your head (again, keep this one to yourself Ally McBeal)
  20. You’re so happy you feel like running, going to work or worse…cleaning. Luckily this lasts about a month.
  21. They suggest a restaurant or movie that you would normally see as a ‘grab your purse and run’ moment but you find yourself shrugging and thinking, how bad could it be? Pretty bad I reckon. KFC isn’t a restaurant.
  22. They cancel last minute and you head for the chocolate / alcohol. They’re on their way and you celebrate with chocolate / alcohol. They got home safely so you…yeah, ok.
  23. You sober dial or text them things that make you cringe when you read them after the break up.
  24. You dress to be undressed. No sweats or baggy jumpers for this special one.
  25. You and your friends refer to them in code. They are Operation Theo (Theone) or Project FuBo/Wifey.

That’s it. If anyone ticks 20 of these 25 then I know I’m f**ked and will have to start cancelling other dates but until then…..

Happy dating!

©Chelsea Black

 

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If I were a boy

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’ve always thought what sort of man would I be if I were a man but knowing the things I know as a woman. What would work and what wouldn’t. Let’s face it most men don’t think women are that bright when it comes to interactions so I guess I would assume the same? Not that I want to be a man as the thought of having to feign enthusiasm about computer games, films in space or hobbit land or shave my face every day doesn’t really sell it. But if I woke up tomorrow and had a penis ( you KNOW mine would be of a size) then I think I would be an undercover playa. Yes indeed I would be the ultimate dog and this my precious is how I would do it.

  1. I would have loads of women that I was talking to at the same time. Rotation baby rotation otherwise women can get boring cos they want to talk all the bloody time about things I don’t’ care about.  Plus options mean none of them become a priority even though bless ‘em they would think they are the one.
  2.  I would call all women my lovely, babes, sweetie or gorgeous to avoid tripping up. But I would put them under my phone as guys’ names to avoid those that check for other women.
  3. I would have 2 phones one for the serious people in my life and the others for the floozies. I would tell floozies that this was a work phone and therefore not to be used ever! Ever bitch!!
  4. I would tell them all straight that I’m still in pain from another relationship and that I don’t know if I can love again (cue bambi eyes and sob story of betrayal from the only women I’ve ever loved). I would then accept the consolatory sex they offered but not stay over. It’s too soon.
  5. I would market myself cheaply on facebook and twitter with some old photos from when I used to go to the gym. Shirtless works best. I would post philosophical bullshit like “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” or “A real man doesn’t lie or cheat” and let them come to me.
  6. I would shower a lot to avoid detection. Some women and their strong perfumes
  7. I would buy them all the same perfume for birthdays and Christmas and tell them all to wear it to avoid them detecting a new one on me.
  8. I would tell her about all my friends that she will never ever meet but that I’m always with cos you know at 43 I STILL need to go to football training 4 times a week.
  9. If I felt she was getting suspicious I would send her flowers or find an obscure poem online about eyes and send that to her. Fuck it, the poem, like I don’t have enough bills going out of the house.
  10. I would let her come first the first time to get the impression that I give a fuck. After that it’s all about me baby!!
  11. I would do chivalrous things like open doors and pay for things. Then I know she’s going to think I’m a gentlemen and drop the panties sooner.
  12. I would have 2 properties, have the real life in one and then have the second for my bitches and one night stands. Alternatively I would just tell her I live at home so she couldn’t stay over.
  13. I would only shag women who had their own places and preferably with kids. They seem more grateful for the opportunity and less likely to try to lock you down on the marriage tip. But never ever meet the kids.
  14. I would train her by never calling more than once a week and only texting back 2 or 3 days later. Otherwise they get too attached and start thinking you and her are dating or something? What’s that about?
  15. I would have 3 or 4 basement restaurants where no one would ever be likely to see us and take them all there. Tell her it’s my favourite spot.
  16. If I was married I would claim that we were going through a divorce or separated. This would gain me loads of sympathy. I would have to be careful not to appear too bitter though cos then they start thinking that they don’t have a chance. Always leave them thinking there is a small chance.
  17. I would drive. That way I can always be stuck in traffic (getting a last minute blow job) or broken down (this shit is so good I’m going to have to stay for another round)
  18. I would declare my love when drunk so that I could take it back when sober. Mess with their heads. Or better yet never make mention of it sober cos I don’t need to have THAT conversation.
  19. I would always make sure I wore condoms cos these women are always trying to tie a man down. But then condoms are expensive so instead I would use the old 100% effective (not) withdrawal method and come on her face. But because I’m a playa I would avoid the hair. I don’t need that kind of drama.
  20. And finally I would lie incessantly ….because I can. Women give me permission ALL the time. They always believe what they want to and at the end of the day if she goes….well then there is always twitter or facebook for me to find another.

Peace out dudes! (Swaggers off with my big dick swinging)

©Chelsea Black

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14 black romantic films for Valentine part 1

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Categories: Recommends, Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I’ve already started checking my post for a card weighted envelope in red or pink. Sadly it hasn’t arrived and as I begin to suspect this is will be yet another year of fruitless Valentines for me I figure there is nothing for it but to get the girls together and have a DVD night in instead. So inspired by my twitter friend @ecforde here are my top 14 black romantic films for Valentine’s day. This just means that you get to perve at black men on screen and drool with your girls. These aren’t in any particular order as it’s like asking a mother to choose between her children but there isn’t a Tyler Perry in sight. I’ve tried, I just can’t. And some of them are partner friendly

I will consider doing top romantic movies at a later date because as I was going through them I realised that we don’t have the big epics. And there are no British ones. Or am I missing a pirate DVD hook up out there? Hook me up peeps. We are starved of romantic films and have to instead make do with the African Americanised version of love. I guess the moral of the story is to go out there and make your own love stories then write about them for the greater good.

Happy Valentine’s Day my precious

© Chelsea Black

  1. Love and Basketball – rom

Apart from the immature strop Omar Epps pulls over putting his emotions before her career this is a great film. Soundtrack is strong (although be warned that the Maxwell version of Woman’s work isn’t on there. I know, I was bummed too). Sanaa rocks the tom boy basketball player and eventually you realise that love is a choice not a game that you can win. This is a must for the collection and one that you can even watch with your FuBo (future boyfriend) if you don’t mind it digressing into a game of one on one. Oh please be warned that Tyra Banks is in it but don’t let that put you off.

  1. Brown Sugar – rom

Sanaa again. I love this movie despite Taye Diggs being in it. He is so not hip hop!! He can’t even act gully. I’m more street than him and what I know about hip hop can be summarised in two words; the hook. That said it is a great story well told. Boris Kodjoe is in it which doesn’t hurt on the eye candy side. Basketball, Hip Hop and I’m told it was a Nigerian director (shout out to my Nigerian friends who insist on informing me of these facts. Kind of like the Greek dad in my big fat Greek wedding who thinks everything originated from the Greek)

  1. 35 and Ticking – rom com

Rarely do we see a film that focuses on women in their 30s and the biological clock. But this one does it well. Kevin Hart is hilarious as the guy who has a job at a bank. The script isn’t the tightest you will ever watch and it occasionally veers into Tyler Perry land but it’s funny in places about a subject that can be difficult. It has Dondre T. Whitfield in it which is enough for me to watch it. There is a hilarious date with an older guy and the neighbours from hell which definitely put this into the comedy section but there is little great romance. Still, I liked it enough to watch it twice and it examines the issues of parenthood and when individuals are ready.

  1. Jumping the Broom- rom com

Beautifully shot movie it starts off well and I enjoyed it more when I watched it with others as opposed to  watching by myself. I didn’t laugh when I watched it by myself the first time. The social divide between the two families of the marrying couple is obvious but still comical. But typically this is a T.D. Jakes movie so it does get serious and a little preachy. I’m told that he is a preacher but he is less obvious than he was in Not Easily Broken (If you are a Morris fan watch with caution). Watch it for Gary Dourdant, Laz Alonso and there is eye candy for the guys too in Megan Goode and Paula. Paula Patton’s character is a little tedious / passive aggressive but it’s good to see Angela Bassett and Loretta Devine at their matriarchal best.  Best lesson? Always have a little money aside that your partner doesn’t know about for a rainy day. And look at these beautiful men. Look at them!!

  1. Waiting to Exhale /How Stella Got her Groove Back –rom coms

Ignore Whitney’s acting skills and Taye Digg’s Jamaican accent and you have a moment in history where Terry MacMillan was the voice of American black women. I remember asking Mama Black for the books. She read them then made notes in pencil at the bits she loved or cried at, bless. So it was always books and movies that you were meant to share. Watch them for the examples of bad sex in Waiting to Exhale or for Taye Digg’s famous shower scene in Stella. Don’t thank me, just passing on the love. Stella was the first film that openly said to women go and get yours dear. Preferably do it on holiday though where it should stay. Oh and if you are into great sex scenes don’t forget to check out Disappearing Acts with Wesley Snipes and Sanaa getting deeply hot and heavy by the fridge. Ah Terry, you do love your sex girl!

  1. The Best man – rom com

Another one of those films I was supposed to love but was more annoyed by. Morris Chestnut plays a double standard Christian sportsman and Taye Digg plays a writer who writes about the group of friends. He had Sanaa but wanted Nia Long? Hmmmm if Terrence Howard wasn’t in it as the career-less friend (remember him playing that guitar? How I wished I was a guitar) I wouldn’t watch it as often as I do. This is the movie that gave us Candy, the dance. The morals of the story are simple: Women need to be perfect and virginal to be considered wife material, men are always going to want what they didn’t get and ignore the one that is there for them and that strippers deserve love too.

  1. Love Jones –rom

OMG I am adding this one because if I don’t the poetry sorority will kill me. But wait, Larenz Tate is not convincing as a motorbike riding poetry boy, Nia Long is too convincing as an attention seeking cow and yet somehow you root for them because you figure best they be together and leave the rest of us alone. I preferred the Isaiah Washington story line but alas I was made to endure the joys of Larenz trying to man up. It must be hard to be short In Hollywood and yet Morris manages to convince me that he’s all man (team Chestnut). But the story is tight and worthy of a watch. Great soundtrack led by Dionne Farris.

Ok that’s part 1 done. Part 2 to follow after I’ve checked out my post, broken down into floods of tears and then decided which one of the many men should have sent me a card but didn’t. I’m going to make sacrifices first.

 

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