Tag Archives: relationships

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The Perfect Date

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So we keep on meeting and we flirt but not too openly because that would be crass and I’m a lady. Yes I said it. Who knows who else he has in his life and goodness knows there are enough idiots in mine so nothing happens and time marches on until 2012 arrives.

Then out of the blue I get a missed call from a number I don’t know. Not unusual as you know me and my phones are parted regularly. I still mourn the loss of my pink flip blackberry in 2010. I call back and it’s HIM! I don’t even have time to be nervous as he quickly gets done with the small talk and asks if I want to meet up for a drink that night.

Hmmmm, this is awkward as I do have a 3 day + 3 hour pre date routine that must be booked in advance but…he’s cute and I really wasn’t looking forward to yet another night of Come Dine With Me on 4OD. Any show that makes me feel like I would stand a good chance of winning Masterchef can’t be healthy right? So I say yes. I don’t even have time to call my friends to bash out outfit choices and strategies as we are meeting in 2.5 hours. This is a major panic stations moment.

I take an executive decision. A cab so that I can wear ridiculously silly heels that make my legs look slim yet shapely enough that they won’t break. I don’t want him thinking I’m one of those delicate woman. Then again he’s seen me command a buffet table at a networking event. He knows I eat.

I look at the hair…not enough time to wash and blow dry but do I wig it or no? Eventually I drag out the hairdryer and straighteners. I’m going to have to make time for this. Don’t be fooled by the name. Natural hair can be such a bitch to manage at moments like this. It has its own schedule.

Then I go through the inevitable debate…will he be coming home with me? I know my precious it’s too soon but I can move surprisingly fast when inspired or drunk. Don’t judge. So I quickly change the bedding, chuck everything into the spare room (I must get a lock for that room) and decide to give the legs and flange a quick once over for luck. Chances are if I commit to hair removal then I’m coming home solo.  It’s like a jinx.

Then there is that inevitable crisis of confidence. What if this isn’t even a date!?! I mean he said a drink. He may be trying to broker some sort of business relationship. Whilst my bank manager will welcome this news can I really go into business with someone I want to see naked?  Hmmm, maybe I need to rethink the fuchsia short dress which screams take me off. Instead I go for that always ready black dress with the small waist for extra definition. Yep, I look edible. Quick spray of Tresor and I’m ready!

I hail a cab Carrie Bradshaw stylee. This is why I love my area. There are an abundance of opportunities to play dress up and not have to take the tube. I arrive with minutes to spare. Enough time to check out where the bathrooms are and work out which cocktail will get me relaxed but not ridiculously tipsy before he walks in. Yep best stay away from the tequila. He’s looking fabulous in a suit that looks like it was made just for him he walks over and does the European double cheek kiss before sitting down. There’s a look, we both laugh and the night begins. I know it was a good night because neither of us looked at our phones once. And you know how much I love my phone.

Drinks were amazing. I can’t fault Lover’s Lounge for its cocktails. Somehow drinks turned into dinner and before you know it the end of the night comes and he suggests that he takes me home. I say a little prayer to the dating goddesses that I had the foresight to clean up and skip to the nearest cab. Up to now I’ve offered to pay but have been turned down. “My treat,” he says and I melt. We get to mine and he walks me to my door and ….he refuses to come in. WHAT!

I try not to show my disappointment and smile sweetly instead. I thank my mother for those drama lessons when I was 10 as I had to dig deep to pull this one off. He rewards me with the simplest of kisses. You know those kisses my precious where it starts in your toes and liquid pools into your…yeah there. I sigh happily. Then he says he has to go. I’m tempted to say really but…I know this is not the time. Besides I stuck to my 3-total on the cocktails. I wonder how he’s going to get a cab at this time but somehow I know he has a plan. He is a man with a plan I will just have to trust it. I know I have to play this one out more carefully. He says he’ll call tomorrow. I shrug, give one my flutter of the eyelashesand walk into the warm hug my flat always gives me. Then I squeal with happiness.

Normally this is the point where I call the gang but today I just want to enjoy it and snuggle down into my lekky blanket with highlights from the night. I write in my diary and go to sleep. And the next morning, well hello, he calls!  And thus begins a beautiful dating story

Of course this is all a story. It never happened because sadly I don’t live in the movies I watch but just once it would be nice if it did.

Happy Dating!

© Chelsea Black

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The weak arse excuses list

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Tags: , , , , , ,

So here is the thing; no matter how amazing you are (and you are amazing my precious) at some point you will be subjected to some or all of the excuses on this list. Yes all men have a list. Excuses they will use when they mess up or want to break up. These excuses are passive aggressive as they are designed to sooth your ego and make you feel good about being dumped or cheated on. This doesn’t work as what you really want to know is the real reason they are leaving. Let me break it down for you. He is leaving to pursue other women. That is the reason. Not because you aren’t enough but because his love of new conquests is probably like my love of chocolate – eternal.

If you hear any of these then know that it’s time to grab your purse and run because somewhere along the way he decided you weren’t worthy of being honest too or he has convinced himself that you can’t handle the truth. Oh and be warned the other woman is probably already in the vicinity. My money is on an ex or someone at the gym or work. Rarely does a man dump a woman to be by himself. Who is going to sooth that massive ego and stroke that cock?

1)      I’m not ready for something serious

So here is the thing. You pursed me. I was happily living my life as a singletini then you came along with your talk of marriage and babies wrapped up in a need for us to be exclusive. I was perfectly happy to date you as well as many others but nooooooo you wanted it all. So why did you start something if you aren’t ready? Is this a practise run? Are you trying to ensure that your mack game is tight so that when you are ready it flows seamlessly? This one usually comes after sex but before any ring has been bought. Maybe the prices at De Beers told him that he wasn’t ready.  Worse though is when they have introduced you to their kids and family. When you are at his Uncles 60th pretending to help in the kitchen then he better be ready!

This is really code for ‘I was ready but then someone else has entered the space and is offering me sex without strings’. He wants in. Get out my precious.

2)      I can’t love you in the way you deserve to be loved

This was my favourite breakup line ever used. So I deserve better than you can give and yet you have only just come to this realisation after months of dicking me about. I suspect this one is really saying I don’t fancy you anymore but don’t want to say it and look like an arsehole. The most pivotal moment in my life is when an ex finally admitted he didn’t love me and never really had. This came after 6 months of me questioning him and finally he caved under the persistence. Yes no one likes hearing it but it was the truth and allowed me to go forth and date many more men. Hmmm, I don’t know whether I should thank him or put a hit out on him. To be decided at a later date.

3)      I don’t want to get addicted

Well isn’t this peachy. You’re managing your addictions. My issue is you have wasted my time for however long and now think it’s best to pull back before you fall in love? One guy I wasn’t even dating compared me to M&S biscuits. I think I was supposed to be impressed. But no this tells you that the person doesn’t want a diet of just M&S biscuits and instead has grabbed a trolley and is filling it up with all sorts of desserts.

 

4)      It’s too soon

Then stop sleeping over eating all my food and have a spare change of clothes here dude! It’s only been a year of this shite.

I don’t get this one.  Too soon for what exactly? Again I think just a case of too soon for him to commit to one brand of biscuits.

5)      She wouldn’t leave me alone

So you slept with her? Yes, that’s going to deter her from her course. According to the male of the species there is a tribe of women who hunt men and are relentless in their pursuit of their cock. I am yet to come across these women as they are elusive but all men have met them and used them to explain tripping and falling into her.

6)      She needs me. You don’t.

Forget Ms Independence my precious. Chances are he will leave you for a woman who is more dependent. Somehow they find this attractive even though they will tell you that they love you for your strength and independence. They don’t. It makes them feel redundant. So best you do what we all do and fake the odd vulnerability. NEVER ever fix anything in your flat. Call him. Don’t squash that spider. Call him. And if you are brave enough to have a car then make sure he takes it to the place where they do weird things to cars and charge lots of money. He’ll feel loved.

I had one who wasn’t ready for something serious but loved my independence. His next woman had kids, no real career and spent all her time clinging off him in clubs. Now you know I love me a public snog or 10 but this was like an audition for a sex video. He loved it and they are still together.

7)      I’m not good enough for you

Finally we agree on something but we’re willing to work with you regardless. That’s us compromising for the sake of the relationship. See how lovely we are to you, the undeserving?

I wouldn’t mind this one so much if it came 2 weeks into dating when they have realised how fabulous you really are but no, it’s months or years later before the light bulb goes off and they realise how unworthy they really are.

Here’s the thing, you may not be good enough dudes but this is a chance for you to man up and get there instead of limping out because you want someone else. LAME!

8)      I need to work on me and my money

If only this man knew that any woman worth her weight in salt (and I’m not light) will help you earn more money not less. Yes, yes we will help you spend it too but what’s the point of all that money when there are shoes to buy?

Any man that uses work or business as an excuse not to be with you clearly sees dating as work. It isn’t. If done properly then dating can be play. So much fun can be had in between you making your money.

9)      I need space to figure out what I want

Now that you have trained me into a super dating machine and lover I need space to chase all the women that need to feel the might of Thor. That’s what he called it. Don’t ask. It was more thin than Thor but who am I to ruin the role play ;) .

10)   The disappearing act

Realising that no excuse sounds pathetic enough to get them out of there without feeling guilty some take the cowardly option and just disappear. One never turned up to my birthday party….3 years ago and I haven’t heard from him since. Another left me ordering cup after cup of peppermint tea in a restaurant. There is something almost sinister about the disappearing act because it means to them they don’t even think you warrant a lie. They’ll argue it is because they respect you too much to lie but I can but disagree.

So there you go my 10 weak arse excuses that men make. I wonder if there are any genuine excuses for ending a relationship that men use? If so I’ve never really heard them

Happy Dating!

P.S. If he uses any of the above excuses please note that this means that any friends privileges are revoked. He clearly doesn’t think enough of you to warrant you listening to his tales of other women or work issues.

© Chelsea Black

 

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The Sketchy Date

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So I met a guy on a mutual friend’s Facebook thread. He said something vaguely witty, I made a comment about his name and before you know it a friend request was in my inbox. Strangely enough when I saw his pictures I realised that we had met 2 years prior during my drink-a-thon sex hay days. I even had a photo of the two of us together courtesy of Facebook. Was this serendipity? I brushed off my dusty Serendipity DVD and looked for the signs. Hmmm….maybe not. He worked in clubs. We were bound to have met at some point right? I’m just surprised I was sober enough to remember it. Besides black London is so frigging small. Forget 6 there is 1.5 degrees of separation now.

I should have suspected it didn’t bode well when the mutual friend refused to get involved. He invited me along and I agreed to attend his friend’s concert at Sketch. Admittedly this was more out of curiosity to see if Sketch still insisted on egg shaped Mork and Mindy toilets but he wasn’t to know this. Sadly the toilets are still there. Not wanting to push I suggested we eat before Sketch cos the portions there aren’t generous. We agreed on Nandos.

I saw him and thought he was cute and we got on fabulously on the phone so how bad a date could it be? When we met we went for our pre- concert meal and so began his need to share every thought that was in his head at that present moment.  “Hmmm, you’re not as glamorous or as sensual as I thought you would be.” Bear in mind this was a cold night in London and I was still dressed in coat, cap and 2 scarves I wasn’t sure how much sensuality he expected me to project?  I forced a smile and almost found myself apologising for not making more of an effort but then caught myself. No one disses my red baker boy cap!

Later as I returned to the table he complimented my walk. “I love your swagger. You went one way your butt went the other. It’s like they were 2 different people.” Was this a rap song that I didn’t know? By this time I had braved the cold and taken off the coat. Apparently what lay underneath met with his approval? By now I had decided that any man who thought talking about my looks and my butt was not a match for me. We hadn’t even gotten to Sketch yet! It was going to be a very long night. And what man orders 2 lots of potatoes as sides?

At Sketch I bought the drinks. I’m not one to take advantage on a date. I left a tip and he insisted I take my change. Reluctantly I picked up one of the £3 on the tip tray and thought why was he so concerned with my money? Later when he bought the drinks he ordered tap water for himself and asked me to lend him a £1. I had only ordered a juice? Apparently he had left his credit card in his coat in the cloakroom. I wasn’t sure they were going to let him use his ‘credit card’ for such a small order but I didn’t want to embarrass him. Good job I’d taken that £1 I guess.

As the butt comments kept on coming I stopped being annoyed and started to see the humour in the situation. Here was a man who couldn’t lie or pretend to be anyone but who he was. Don’t get me wrong, we were never going to be a couple but I could appreciate a certain charm with his dating naiveté. He ticked the honesty box. One out of 10 isn’t bad I guess.

© Chelsea Black

 

 

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