Tag Archives: relationships

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Dear Santa

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Dear Santa

Now, I know, (like lots of men) when I talk, you sometimes don’t hear everything I say; but PLEASE, after last years Christmas Prayer I really feel that I am going to have to be a bit more specific if we are going to crack this 2nd husband thing.

I know that you are busy Santa, and that there are too many women out there in the same boat as me, but to be perfectly honest I think with a little Chelsea team work we can crack this thing by Valentines’ day. So here is my Santa gift wish list for the coming year:

Single
I really am not one to share. So when one guy proposed to someone else just two weeks after we broke up I realised that he had been a time share. It’s also bad that I have accidentally dated married men. Santa dear, can’t you mark them? Maybe a partridge tattoo on their neck? I might be regularly merry, but I’m not ready to be any man’s hohoho.

Ambitious
Oh Santa, bartenders and students are great but it’s not so much fun when they are over 30, eyeing up your flat as if it were their new home but still on a pay-as-you-go contract. I don’t need a professional man, but, seriously, someone who can’t get a T mobile contract? Please sprinkle some tinsel their way and give them the gift of wanting to be the best that they can be. If I have to sit through another old home made rap / band CD I think I might be spending New Years behind bars for assault.

Nubian
I know it doesn’t snow much in Africa but I would still like an African diaspora Nubian elf to erm… help me fill my stockings.

Trained
I really thought you had cracked it when you brought me the divorcee. On Skype it was hot, exciting and I almost believed that I heard angels sing. Hark! On dates he was constantly late and made love like an over eager adolescent. I was bruised by his clumsy attempts and nursed bite marks for 3 weeks afterwards. I don’t mind tweaking Santa but he needs to know how to make the angel on the top of the tree light up. At 40 surely he should be trained by now?

Accessible
Don’t get me wrong my precious Santa I have had real moments of fun this year, but it has nearly all been on the internet with men on other continents. Please can you sleigh some of those fine men over here? I will gladly pass the gift of cyber sex on.

There are obviously other things I want, such as good health, wealth and for the annoying woman at work to get sacked, but we can focus on those separately (Please see attached Appendices A to G marked Private and Confidential) So to all the single Bells out there: Merry Christmas my precious as we try to find our very own Mr. Jingle.

© Chelsea Black

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In the Black – My Not So Funny Valentine

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Ok so here’s is the deal. I tend to put a lot of hope and thought into Valentines Day. Don’t ask me why my precious. Even when married, its not like I got more than the standard card and something functional like a steps video for those wintery nights at home whilst I rushed around looking for 5 perfect gifts for our 5 imperfect years together.

But this year, this year was different, because not ONLY was I single for the first time in forever, I was seeing not one, but two delicious men. Call me greedy but I see it as portfolio diversification and I’m not one to preach but in a financial crisis a girl has to have options. Dinner options.

So the first one, Young Banker, was a hangover from 2008. A boy that proudly told me that he was a year older than last year. He booked me a whole 9 days before V day. I was almost impressed. He claimed not to be the same cheap, lazy young man who couldn’t be bothered to make an effort anymore. I claimed to be the same demanding chick who couldn’t cook.

So then he texted me with two hours to go to the meal and asked me if I had any food preferences? A tad late I thought. We met and made our way to dim t, Pimlico. On the way we passed a Nandos and he suggested that ‘we go there instead.’ I told him firmly that I supported Nandi’s every week and today, I wanted something more romantic.

I think he felt that all his efforts had been spent, as we sat to eat a meal where I chatted with my friend Sugar on Blackberry Messenger and he regaled me with tales of …erm; I really don’t remember any of them

At the end of the meal he proudly presented the waitress with his 2 for 1 voucher. She proudly told him that it didn’t work on the weekends. I reluctantly offered to pay for my share (£17.50) and only his reluctant refusal of my offer won him a space in the cab back to my place.

Once at home, just as I thought things couldn’t get any worse, he jumped onto my laptop and began to search porn sites. He couldn’t even be bothered to think up his own foreplay? That was it; the boy was shown the door.

Thankfully the day was saved by Guy 2 who accidentally sent my card to the address upstairs. It finally made its way downstairs (but I could feel my neighbour’s resentment steaming off the envelope she had tried to hastily stick back together.)

He then bought me chocolates, perfume and knickers. Now you know that red isn’t my colour girl, but when a man asks you to wear the gift for him, what’s one to do but buy a pair of matching red heels and fishnet stockings?
Bye for now my precious, I’m off shopping
© Chelsea Black

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In the Black – the gift basket (July)

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It’s always a tricky one isn’t it? Your latest fling invites you over for the night. So let’s think; dinner, sex and the morning after to stress and obsess over.

My “sex date” look takes a good three hours plus industrial strength products to achieve; so you see what I’m working with.
But this one had potential hubby written all over him. I was determined to stand out and be remembered. Yep, the legendary shag of pub and stag do conversations!

I thought I had it cracked. I would simply fill a gift basket with foods for the evening, toys for the night and products for the morning without looking like I was moving in…just yet.

So first, the contents. I did my research and bought his national foods, soaps and bath bombs from Lush, went crazy in Ann Summers, Harmony and Simply Pleasure in Soho and of course, the mandatory Mark and Spencer’s underwear purchase. I’m a traditionalist at heart. It took three days of hardcore shopping and heavy reliance on the blackberry but I had a plan.

He’s an African man cooking me an African meal so I went for a wooden bowl as a basket. I eventually track one down in Crabtree and Evelyn, but realised at home that it was too small! I would still need to take a suitcase to get through my 12 hour visit. So, mustering all my resolve I went out again and just as I was about to give in and treat myself to some well deserved chocolate cake, I stumbled across a cute vintage wire basket at Victoria & Jill’s. I still had the chocolate cake mind you.

But, like most best laid plans I still have the basket and (cough, except the chocolates) most of its contents at home. Why you ask? Because when I wrapped it all up in netting and ribbons I realised that despite failing Home Economics, I had created a masterpiece too good for a mere man. A few cuddles and kisses do not a gift basket make. Plus I spoke to my best friend who relayed a similar story about a seduction scene straight out of 9 1⁄2 Weeks too early in her relationship. So I did what any normal girl would do and packed my biggest, ugliest work bag. Now he just thinks I have bad taste, as opposed to too much time on my hands and the intention of robbing him of his single status.

Needless to say the date wasn’t what I was expecting. I was made to help cook (see Home Economics. reference above) the sex was underwhelming, and I woke up stiff-necked whilst he snored and hogged all the pillows. Not even so much as a poke on Facebook these days. Good job I nixed the Robin Givens “Boomerang” rain coat idea eh?

Nope, I’m going to save any creative outbursts for my girls. So look out my precious, there’s a hen night gift basket coming your way!

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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