Tag Archives: random


The package flight

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WARNING: I am writing this from a private beach in Talum so expect plenty of errors!

So close friends decided to spend a month in Mexico this august. I agreed to meet them for a couple of weeks. The flight options were limited. I hate transfers and British airways were showing 2 transfers. How is one supposed to settle into a playlist or movie with that many changes? There were only 2 options; thomsons or virgin. Being pure in nature virgin was my first choice but it would mean 10 hours of airport time between their flight and mine. I love alone time but airports are stressful and I didn’t have the budget for business lounge, I.e. Kids minimised, so opted for thomsons.

My first clue that this was a little different was when they told me I could take luggage but had to pay for it plus an extra space seat. FYI that was £40 not well spent. I was only allowed 20kgs which meant me repacking twice ( throwing out 3 pairs of shoes and my robe) to get it down to 19.4kgs.

I arrived at gatwick north to the recollection that I hate gatwick north. There aren’t any decent shops. Oh terminal 5! Why hast thou forsaken me? Yes my precious, I’m an airport snob.

We get on the flight and for once Maxine my Budda belly is feeling rather tiny despite the failed pre holiday diet. I’m surrounded by men with bellies and women with multiple bellies. I could get used to this. My dress to impress just in case a hottie is on the plane is a pure waste.

I’m sat next to a Ricky gervais look alike and his 3 mini gervaises. They needed the extra space seats. Apparently Ricky’s balls are so big that he has to spread his track suit legs into my extra space. There isn’t enough extra space. They eat all the way through a 10 hour flight. They accompany their food with farting and burping both of which I don’t hear as the noise from the other passengers is so loud I can’t even hear announcements but by god do I smell them. Ricky playfully swots Ricky junior junior whenever it’s his farts that join the limited air in the plane. I try to sleep but my eye cover doesn’t keep out smell. I give up and instead build an epic jukebox list on the music thingy. None of the movies I wanted to see in the magazine were actually on the thingy. So music it is!

I overhear a conversation between a mum and her kids. Apparently her brats are getting their gcse results the next day. Something tells me they’re not twins and some may be resits. She tells them that they’ll drink when they’ve got their results to celebrate or commiserate. This worries me. Aren’t you only 16 at gcse level. Even the resit one can’t be over 18. Have the laws changed?

I ask for water they try to charge me the price of a 3 packs if haribos. I didn’t think you could do long hail budget but, you can. The attendants look weather beaten and essexified. This is glamorous to them.

All that said it was £300 less than virgin. You can’t choose the other passengers. I don’t think that I will use them long haul regularly. Their lack of a rewards system alone precludes them from being a regular choice. But for the odd cheap get away…. Why not? And now I can upgrade and still be in a normal holiday budget. Result!

Just take nose and ear plugs….and that emergency stash of treats.

Right, now back to the beach.

(C) chelsea black 2014


Win a free divorce

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So remember I wrote back on this appalling site a few weeks back? It’s gotten worse. Yes they’re back and promoting their site hard. Now you don’t just have a discrete affair but they’ll pay for the consequent divorce when you get caught?

That said I don’t want to deny those of you in dire straits and looking for a way out of this amazing opportunity for free legal support during your time of divorce. I just went to WH Smith and bought one of those do it yourself kits. No need for lawyers and such nonsense but then, we are all not as reasonable as I. Enjoy!

Win A Divorce with Marital Affair

Competition offers entrants the chance to save £1,800 on legal fees towards a divorce

Maritalaffair.co.uk, the UK dating site for people seeking extra-marital affairs, is giving away a divorce, with the prize covering legal fees up to 1,800.

The competition is being launched after a study by Aviva found the average divorce costs a whopping 28,000, with 1,800 ofthat spent on legal fees.

The most recent figures from the Office of National Statistics, released in November 2010, show divorce rates increased by 4.9% compared to 12 months previously – the first rise in divorce rates in eight years.

Additionally, ONS figures also reveal the rate of divorce is now 200 times higher than 100 years ago,despite the rate of marriage being comparatively lower.

Paul Graham, Managing Director of Maritalaffair.co.uk, said: “People have an increasing desire to make the most of their lives, and if that means moving on to a new relationship then so be it. To make things more difficult, many people feel compelled to cheat because they can’t afford the legal fees associated with filing for divorce.

“We’re giving someone who isn’t happy in their marriage a ‘get-out clause’ from the costly process of ending it.”

For more information ‘Like’ the Win a Divorce Facebook page.

To enter the competition, which ends on Friday, August 31, visit www.winadivorce.com

Maritalaffair.co.uk delivers a dating arena for those looking for adult dating and extra-marital relations.


The Summer Cull

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The Summer Cull

So I’ve started to feel like my facebook and twitter relationships are marred by too many people in one space. Surely I’m missing out on great potential relationships and interactions because I’m being irritated by a whole load of clutter?I’ve also been slightly freaked out by the tales of the Facebook rapist who could so easily have been one of my numerous tweetups. We have to take care. More friends makes this harder.  I’ve decided that a Summer Cull is due. Nothing too drastic just have to lose a few hundred friends.

Rules to culling are simple. I’ve come up with culprits that have to go. Now! It may be easier if you remove yourself?

1)      Over use of text speak. We all have our stupid standards. This is one of mine

2)      Photos of women half naked who aren’t in any way related to you

3)      Photos of you with women at clubs and not much else

4)      Those who put up false university information in an attempt to impress

5)      Misogynistic images – if you have to look this up please assume that we aren’t friends material

6)      Those that invite me to events in areas I hate. Catford, Ilford, Brentford, Stratford, Croydon, Harlesden, Mitcham, Streatham, and…..just anywhere that’s outside of zone 2 really.

7)      Invites to Foam parties. I don’t know where you buy your clothes from but how many foam parties can you throw in a year? No

8)      Anyone that invites me to anything at Moonlighting. You’ve been warned. This is not negotiable.

9)      Homophobic comments, sentiments or endorsements. Don’t think an LOL at an inappropriate joke is going to slip past me unnoticed lovely

10)   Those that are married and insist on flirting. I’m not online to flirt with married men. So predictable and so boring if I can’t post on your wall. Direct messages only is the dead give away

11)   Those that send me bible verses. The nuns did a good job, I’m all Bibled up. Thank you

12)   Those that think posting trainers on my page is a fashion suggestion. Fuck off

13)   Those that think Tweedy Chav is cool, talented or worthy of time. You’re virtually dead to me.

14)   Women who are hunting for husbands. Do it on your real friends well. I’m not going to give you a good reference

15)   Those men that want to tell me how little I know about football. Whatever. I’m sorry your career ended 20 years ago and now you are a TV / Sofa coach. Don’t assume

16)   Terrible spelling. I’ve been taught by nuns. I wince at constant bad spelling. It hurts my spirit. Let’s assume we just can’t be friends

17)   Those who bug me for photos. I love the one that said “OK not of your face then but of your vageena” Cute dude, real cute

18)   Those that don’t write to me in English. I don’t have time to google translate especially if I don’t know what language it is

19)   Those who politics are dubious, extremist or think Boris Johnson should be PM

20)   Those who talk about their natural hair journey. Go away!

I think these are reasonable and fair. I’m sorry if you felt that we were closer and this is one of the last tweets or status updates you see. I just don’t have time for silent observers who give nothing to the online experience. Of course we all have different ones. Any one got some of their own?

© Chelsea Black

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