Tag Archives: random

The Summer Cull

So I’ve started to feel like my facebook and twitter relationships are marred by too many people in one space. Surely I’m missing out on great potential relationships and interactions because I’m being irritated by a whole load of clutter?I’ve also been slightly freaked out by the tales of the Facebook rapist who could so easily have been one of my numerous tweetups. We have to take care. More friends makes this harder.  I’ve decided that a Summer Cull is due. Nothing too drastic just have to lose a few hundred friends.

Rules to culling are simple. I’ve come up with culprits that have to go. Now! It may be easier if you remove yourself?

1)      Over use of text speak. We all have our stupid standards. This is one of mine

2)      Photos of women half naked who aren’t in any way related to you

3)      Photos of you with women at clubs and not much else

4)      Those who put up false university information in an attempt to impress

5)      Misogynistic images – if you have to look this up please assume that we aren’t friends material

6)      Those that invite me to events in areas I hate. Catford, Ilford, Brentford, Stratford, Croydon, Harlesden, Mitcham, Streatham, and…..just anywhere that’s outside of zone 2 really.

7)      Invites to Foam parties. I don’t know where you buy your clothes from but how many foam parties can you throw in a year? No

8)      Anyone that invites me to anything at Moonlighting. You’ve been warned. This is not negotiable.

9)      Homophobic comments, sentiments or endorsements. Don’t think an LOL at an inappropriate joke is going to slip past me unnoticed lovely

10)   Those that are married and insist on flirting. I’m not online to flirt with married men. So predictable and so boring if I can’t post on your wall. Direct messages only is the dead give away

11)   Those that send me bible verses. The nuns did a good job, I’m all Bibled up. Thank you

12)   Those that think posting trainers on my page is a fashion suggestion. Fuck off

13)   Those that think Tweedy Chav is cool, talented or worthy of time. You’re virtually dead to me.

14)   Women who are hunting for husbands. Do it on your real friends well. I’m not going to give you a good reference

15)   Those men that want to tell me how little I know about football. Whatever. I’m sorry your career ended 20 years ago and now you are a TV / Sofa coach. Don’t assume

16)   Terrible spelling. I’ve been taught by nuns. I wince at constant bad spelling. It hurts my spirit. Let’s assume we just can’t be friends

17)   Those who bug me for photos. I love the one that said “OK not of your face then but of your vageena” Cute dude, real cute

18)   Those that don’t write to me in English. I don’t have time to google translate especially if I don’t know what language it is

19)   Those who politics are dubious, extremist or think Boris Johnson should be PM

20)   Those who talk about their natural hair journey. Go away!

I think these are reasonable and fair. I’m sorry if you felt that we were closer and this is one of the last tweets or status updates you see. I just don’t have time for silent observers who give nothing to the online experience. Of course we all have different ones. Any one got some of their own?

© Chelsea Black

The neighbour and the orang-utan

I didn’t want to think it but the more it happens the more I know that my neighbour ignores me when his girlfriend is there. I don’t get it. I don’t flirt, he doesn’t flirt and yet when they are together he ignores me? Hmmmm

Neighbour’s sofa is positioned in such a way that he can look at passers-by. I walk or waddle by, give him the ‘can’t stop, busy’ half wave salute and he waves back. 3 years and we have a routine. But then last year I invited him to my New Year’s Eve party. I figured in the seasonal spirit why not? I invite him to all my parties and he always says he’ll come and doesn’t. Fair enough he has something better to do I thought. Until the day he ignored me.

Example 1

Neighbour and Gym new boobs (she seems to spend an inordinate amount of time in the gym and, just a guess, has new boobs) were getting out of the car. I was waddling by. Now, bear in mind I’m a very slow waddler I did my half wave and he pretended not to see me? Hmmm I waddled on by. Maybe he didn’t see me?

Example 2

I see Neighbour 2 days later and he enthusiastically waves first. Orang-utan Gym new boobs clearly had a sunbed session. Seriously anymore and she’ll be darker than me. We chat and I go on about my day. I assume therefore that he really hadn’t seen me.

Example 3

Neighbour and Gym new boobs (Like really. How much time does she spend in the gym? And rather a lot of it under the sun bed.  I’m not hating. I just wonder if that’s her job?) are sitting on the sofa and I walked past with shopping. He sees me clearly and yet didn’t return the wave. I’m carrying M&S bags!

So this has got me thinking and I can only come up with the following conclusions for Neighbours weird behaviour:

1)      He’s a player and Orang-utan New Boobs has caught his out before

2)      He’s a player and so smooth that Orang-utan New Boobs has never caught him out. She always seems oblivious to me.

3)      She’s insecure and he’s protecting her from assuming that as we practically live together although 20 houses apart she has anything to worry about.

4)      He’s short sighted ….or long sighted.

5)      He’s a man

I guess I will never know unless they break up and he confesses all in a weak moment. I may just pop in a pink scented note inviting him over for a night cap. Cos I’m neighbourly like that

Happy Gold Blending!

© Chelsea Black