The opening scene

My first memory of porn was when I was 9 or 10 playing football on a field near our house. There were some woods and something special had been found there. OMG had they found the gold at the end of the rainbow?  Was it a mysterious well of never ending Twix? No it was a half torn porn magazine which the boys poured over for ages. I wasn’t sure why this was so special until one of the boys showed me a blonde woman standing staring at the camera, topless and with this come hither look. It was in the eyes and the cute pink bikini bottoms that did it but, for a second I felt a stirring of understanding her power over these pathetic boys. Women can be powerful. But that second passed and I wanted to get back into the game. We (shirts obviously) were winning and there was no sign of a Twix to keep me occupied. I quickly realised however that porn was something that young boys immediately got.

The trickster

Then, as I grew up in the VHS era it wasn’t until university that I was exposed to it again. As you know my precious I’ve led a very sheltered life. It did exist I’m sure but young boys would never deem to share porn with a mere girl they were dating. But at Uni a French African guy invited me over to watch videos. As I went over I was hoping for the new Sandra Bullock movie but instead was greeted by bad porn. This was before obsessive hair removal and there was still some dodgy retro music tracks. In those days you were lucky to get anything that wasn’t American, Scandinavian or German. That’s a point, what’s happened to the Scandinavian porn industry? I digress.

We sat on the couch and I think I was supposed to be turned on as he edged closer, breathed heavily and pressed into my thigh but instead I was in hysterics. This was the best comedy ever! There was no way this beautiful if somewhat trailer park woman wanted to have sex with that old dude with the pale hairy skin and the fat but short knob. Where was his butt? Urgh! And yet she tried to sound convincing bless her. I was a university student and did what I did best – critical analysis. I dissected their acting, the plot which was vague and not particularly believable and the décor (something that still bugs me to this day. I can’t do Eastern European and Russian porn. The décor is so post-communist non chic it puts me off. I just want to go in there and do one of those 60 minute makeovers. And don’t even get me started on their wigs.) Eventually my host stopped with the heavy breathing and offered to take me home. I giggled and asked if there was any more popcorn. Maybe I just needed something more realistic? This was all a bit farfetched.

The wanker

I caught him sneaking off upstairs a few times and assumed it was for a cheeky cigarette or to buy me a surprise gift online but no, it was to watch porn. His preference worryingly was for younger girls. I should have seen it as a sign as his girlfriends are getting younger as he gets older. Porn files are key my precious. But no he wasn’t willing to share. Instead he enjoyed sneaking around and having a wank to women with no breasts and lanky blonde hair. Not my thing so I left him to it and instead monopolised the big screen TV to catch up on world affairs such as Spendaholics and the Biggest Loser US. Getting off on watching others comes in many forms.

 

Shake that ass, girl

One day I was staying over at an ex’s and he said I could work from his computer. I can’t remember what site I was trying to get on but I keyed in the first few letters and a whole heap of sites came up which were blackbooty / blackbabewithbutts etc. Intrigued I quickly forgot about my work deadline and instead explored his internet history. I was greeted by a sea of ….well black booties. What else would there be? Suddenly all of our sex til then made so much sense. He was living out the fantasy of his porn. I on the other hand had spent way too much time with my head in a pillow wondering what he was doing back there.  The porn talk only came later.

Eventually he agreed to show me his favourite vidoes and again I laughed as one of the scenes had a group of the director’s friends eating chicken in the background as a step dad seduced his wayward step daughter. It was a little too reality porn for my tastes. Where was the fantasy porn that made you think that everyone had mansions, clear heels and a wardrobe full of fancy dress? That’s what I wanted to see. And hadn’t these people heard of body paint or foundation? I know razor bumps, dirty heels and stretch marks are keeping it real but ….just not that much of a turn on.

The porn star

I wish he was a porn star cos that might have made it all the more convincing but no instead he chose to speak like a porn star. I wanted to tell him that he needed to shag like one too but male, ego, fragile.

The problem with men who talk like pornstars is that unlike in the movies where the women have their own lines (yes Daddy, I want you to fuck me up the ass so much! I want you to fuck me and then come on my face – voice breathless and school girl-esque) you REALLY need to inspire the average woman into getting into character. If you are an average lover then chances are this isn’t going to work. So as he fed me lines about how much I deserved his cock cos I had worked hard for it, my mind was reeling thinking…did I miss an email from him with my lines? Oh and just to keep it authentic he kept his white sports socks on. As all good porn stars do

The money shot

And so I left him and decided to go on my own porn exploration. The problem with a lot of porn is that it’s for men. Women in porn may be billed as the stars but they are just a vessel for men to live out their fantasies. I tried the made for female porn and that was horrendous. How much soft lighting and elevator music do they think women want? It was all becoming a bit too Mills and Boon for me and the tender lovemaking like an instructional education video.

And then it hit me. I’m all about the story, the seduction, the outfits, not the actual sex itself. I watch it like I do any other movie. I.e. to be entertained.  Yes I can get off on it on a voyeuristic level and sometimes we all just need to take the edge off a hard day but I am a woman. I watch porn the way I have sex: with meaning. It’s not the one when they are just fucking and I’m meant to think, yeah that could be me being fucked by that guy who doesn’t give a shit about her and is just doing her so that guys everywhere can get off. The guys aren’t generally as hot as the women are so aesthetically there is a fail there.  What’s in porn for women? Not enough I say.

And yet I persist in my search for the ultimate porn clips. Note clips cos I don’t have time for 90 minutes of mediocre to bad acting where clothes fall off in the street they have sex with aliens or they decide to make someone a vampire for no reason at all.

Porn is great for exploring what turns you and your partner on but could I see myself living a life without it? Yes because at the end of the day the real thing, whether it’s sex or loving making is always much more fun. I guess I’m not much of a voyeur then?

Happy Watching!

© Chelsea Black