Tag Archives: men

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Mr Drive-by

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: , , , , ,

So earlier this year I was working at a place where I suspected a guy liked me. I wasn’t sure if I felt the same way. A few things. For someone who is always half a stone over her ideal weight I’m the worst sort of hypocrite: a bit of a fattist. I just can’t have anyone competing with me on the budda belly front and he made Maxine my budda belly look like Kylie’s butt in a South African market. Tiny.

Also there was his spelling and grammar. These are my bug bears. My counsellor and I worked on it. Well she tried to work on it and I just pretended to listen. I know it’s stupid but I really can’t deal with someone who spells words like Uncle wrong and has completely abandoned the use of commas and fullstops. It’s just a thing. I don’t want to have to think that forever and a day I can’t let that man near my future children’s homework for fear that they come home crying about a D they got because Daddy helped them. Yes I do think that far ahead.

Anyway my precious I digress. I didn’t hear from him for ages despite my psychic strongly suggesting that he was Fuhu. He just disappeared. This was the usual ‘I have other, better options’ type of disappearance. But then the other day I got a chat from him. It started off innocently enough just catching up and I duly responded trying not to wince at the 5 sentences that ran into each other. He suggested meeting up and I said that would be cool. At which point the conversation changed. I guess this was the green light he needed because he practically invited himself to my house. My house?

[Scratch Record]

Seriously I don’t understand this new phenomenon of just inviting yourself around to someone else’s house. It happened with Gold tooth who eventually agreed to a lunch but I shouldn’t be getting it again so soon from a guy who had never made a move previously. He told me that when we met it was going to be hot? Yes British Gas and I keep a warm home but he was never going to see the inside of it. I called him a joker.

It’s a shame because part of me was pleased that he was interested. I thought that at least my spider sensors were still working and I knew when I guy liked me. But it was ages since I’d seen him and I wasn’t really feeling the long disappearance but plenty of Facebook updates.   I was thinking of ways to let him down gently but I really didn’t have to.

He told me that he would be in my area this week and that I should give him my number and he’ll give me a call in the day. So, I was just going to be a drive by? And he had lost my number? What nonsense was this?  I can’t my precious. I’m just not that committed to listening to my therapist or my psychic I guess. This dating shop is truly closed to idiots try as they may.

Dating etiquette is truly dead. Serves me right for even considering someone from South London (I kid, a little)

Oh and, he’s still waiting for that number. I’m off to Kings Road to treat myself.

© Chelsea Black

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The Bachelor

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

The Bachelor

Another beast we choose to ignore in the hopes that he will change his spots. Alas my precious it is not always to be. Some men are confirmed bachelors. Happy and content somehow we women see this as a challenge. With us he will be different. We will be the ones to break him and get him to give us his life of drinking out of the juice carton and leaving the toilet seat up. Do this at your peril Ladies as the Bachelor is committed; committed to himself and his lifestyle. Don’t believe the movies. They rarely change until they hit the age when they realise they may die alone and quickly marry a young thing with big boobs and no real expectations. The Bachelor is not to be confused with the bitter divorcé, the perpetual baby, or the bastard. The bachelor really doesn’t see the need in ever being in anything more than short relationships. Hours to months but rarely years. So here are the Bachelor signs:

What’s his living situation? If he’s of a certain age and happy living at home or with housemates with mention of ever moving this is not a good sign. Has he even lived with a woman before? Normally you can tell as they may be a little better housetrained. Does he always come to yours and keeps his space to himself? The sacred Bat Cave…hmmm it’s not looking good is it?

Has he even been close to marriage before? I mean engaged or a relationship for years? Something tells me he hasn’t been sitting in that bedsit waiting for you to turn up and make him realise what he’s been missing all of his life. He has a big screen TV (trust me) he’s seen the sitcoms and soaps. A relationship isn’t a new concept. It’s just not one that he wants any part in. He loves the sex mind.

What is he telling you? Most talk about all the plans they have and you’re thinking ooooh he’s so ambitious but usually those plans do not include you. It’s the boys’ trip to the world cup in South Africa that should have been my clue. He was talking about it in 2007 and was all excited. The precision and focus he put into that one trip and every ski trip he planned was evidence that when motivated he could plan. This didn’t translate to our dates to Nandos.

Does he say he wants out? Most do but being men they can’t just say it so they say:

  • ‘I need to clear my head for a while’…then you’ll see photos of him out on the lash on Facebook or him flirting hard on Twitter.
  • ‘I like things the way they are. It’s nice to hang out once in a while.’ That means him living in Kent and you living in London is somehow the best situation for him
  •  ‘My Uncle John is my role model he’s the dogs Bollocks.’ Uncle John is the dirty old perv at weddings with the need to look with his hands and has never married.
  • ‘What’s the point in Marriage? It’s just a piece of paper.’
  • My mate Paul is getting married. Stupid sod. He only went and got her pregnant’ meaning there would be no other reason for a sad person to get married but the condom to have failed (probably because it was still in his wallet)

These are all signs that relationship is not on his mind. Yes that’s right Marriage is not on his menu. Move on!

© Chelsea Black

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Ladies and Gentlemen!

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , ,

A-Sexy : A for Announcements

Anticipation is a wonderful thing. I was once out with my then boyfie and something must have got him in the mood because he suddenly said “I’m going to F*ck you so hard when we get home, you’ll have to take tomorrow off.” Suddenly he had my full attention. To be fair to him he did handle his business.  I just wish he’d told me about his fiancé .

So guys announcing your next move is a lovely thing to do when you are about to come and you want her to close her eyes or duck for those without aim. Announcements when they are not followed up with adequate performances however are not something that we the Sex Etiquette po po can approve. Delivery is everything.

E.G: ‘Yeah baby I’m going to make you come so hard that you forget your name! YEAH!’ followed by 3 or 4 minutes of frantic rabbit style pumping and a limp gasp at the end are not compatible.

Another one is “You like that huh? I can go all night girl! YEAH!” followed by what for the sake of his ego we’ll call a quickie and him passing out? Again not the one.

For women stating that you like big cocks and then complaining that it’s too big is a fail. Also those who tell everyone that they love giving blow jobs or being freaky and then just lie there or ration them out for special occasions? Yeah I’ve heard all about you girls with your big talk and no sucking action. FAIL!

So here’s how I see it. Mandatory immediate announcements like “I’m coming! Get on your knees!” are a win. I don’t need that stuff in my hair or on that hired role play costume. However aspirational announcements can just be whispered softly to yourself please. Some have a mantra like “eye of the tiger” to keep their focus. Do you pookie. Do you.

In (almost) the words of the Foundations “[Don’t] build me up buttercup just to let me down. And mess me around and then worst of all, you never come baby when you say you will!” It should have raised alarm bells when an ex said this was his favourite song. Premature Ejaculation is a terrible terrible affliction (takes a moment to say a prayer for his current partner.)

© Chelsea Black A-Sexy

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