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Facebook flirtations and Faux pas

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, BLOG, Latest, Tags: , ,

F is for Facebook flirtation Faux pas

So here is the thing about flirting on Facebook – It makes people brave but can also expose a lot about them. It makes some incredibly lazy as they reckon they can opt in and out of flirtations at a whim. They just stop calling but in a much more blatant way as you can still see that they are online and they haven’t fallen off a cliff. In my head there is a Cliff in the Caribbean somewhere near a beautiful waterfall where all the wastemen go when they pull a disappearing act. But when the green light for chat is on then you know that either his fall wasn’t fateful or ….he’s still online just flirting with someone else.

I’m all for banter flirting where we exchange quips in a Shakespearian mess of innuendos and the odd double entendre. That is pure fun. But there are a number of Faux pas moves when it comes to the flirt though that we have to consider. Be warned that any of these are enough to turn a flirt cold.

Mr. Nigistence

Persistence or Nigistence as I call it is getting old. It was cute in the 80s when we watched Hollywood movies of men who saw a woman across a room, immediately realised this was the one for him and pursued her relentlessly despite her spending 81 minutes saying no.  But no I reckon there is an automated persistence programme on Facebook which picks up when you are online and pounces with that smooth opening line… “Hey.” This is followed with 5 or 6 more Hellos!!! Every time you log on? Clearly you don’t want to talk to them. But they reckon they will wear you down eventually.

Mr. Nothing to say

There are those that say hello and how are you with confidence but then have nothing to say and expect you to carry the conversation. Dude, you started this at least have some gems to make a sister laugh or something. There was a cute mutual friend who used to do this all the time and eventually I told him that I wasn’t having it. What interesting things was he bringing to the table? He was really offended at being called boring and hit back with … “Well you’re just mean!” Hmmmm These ones indicate potential for lazy sex. I just don’t have time for those that initiate but don’t finish what they start.

Mr.  No spell checker

I’ve recently heard from someone whose spelling / grammar started giving me anxiety attacks. I know that this is my issues but I just don’t understand why someone thinks I want to read their bad English?  I told him about himself and he said that he was using the short versions of things. There was no mention of the grammar.  I realised that some don’t know that they are doing it and they are now hiding behind the txt speak phenomenon. Like life isn’t bad enough we have to decipher what the other person is saying?

Mr. Tortoise

If you are online then it shouldn’t take ages for you to respond to a chat. I don’t know why it feels like we are emailing each other as opposed to chatting but a conversation with so many silences isn’t going to work. If you are attempting to multitask that’s fine as I can easily have 3 or 4 conversations at once. But I shouldn’t even know that this is what you are doing. I also suspect some are cutting and pasting lines from elsewhere which leads me onto ….

Mr Cut and Paste

Dude what is this about? Bad enough on the dating sites but on facebook? Is nothing sacred. There I am in the middle of a chat and I get a chat about my long blonde hair or my long legs and I know that he’s not talking to me. Poetry is the worst as clearly he is hiding behind his inability to write anything original. I can’t. A sniff of a cut and paste and I’m off.

The Visualists

Those that insist on seeing what you look like before they will commit to flirting are only surpassed by those that say it doesn’t matter what you look like and then when they do see you they say something lovely like “Oh! I thought you were going to look more glamorous” Or my favourite “You look more Caribbean thank African” and wonder why you no longer pick up their calls.

Of course most men are a combination of some of the above but nothing pisses me off more than the one who pretends he’s not living with someone or forgets that he’s married. Seriously dude Facebook is not the space for that nonsense.

Right that’s it. I’m off to bed before I get stuck having a conversation with a guy about why he has so many photos of women he has never slept with on his wall. This can’t end well, right?

© Chelsea Black


A Marital Affair?


Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , ,

After my escapades last week on Tagged I realised that visual and status honesty are important to me. Yes indeed I’m a slightly slutty romantic who wants to know that when you say you’re 5’10 I won’t be tucking you into a high chair at the ‘I enjoy fine dining’ (aka Nandos) date.

In my constant search for a dating site that recognises the need for complete honesty I stumbled across the aptly named www.maritalaffair.co.uk

Apparently 50% of Brits think having an affair is acceptable in certain circumstances. I can’t think of any. Just break up or have an open relationship but they won’t do that because one selfish idiot wants to sneak around but would hate it if their partner did the same. Hmmmm, so much for love.

As for me as a single woman I don’t get it. So I must now date men who declare that they’re married and be grateful that at least they are honest about it? Right! Cos that makes it better. My thing is that if I still have to sneak out of bedroom windows at ridiculous times (real story) because your wife turns up then the only thing me knowing that you’re married does is buy me a few seconds head start.  Wives may not have as much time for the gym but an angry wife can take on Kelly Holmes.

And let’s take a step back. You’re married, you made some vows and she bought an overpriced puffy dress she’ll never fit into again if she’s lucky and you did that thing of pretending to remember the other’s friends and relatives. That in itself is one hell of a commitment. But now years later the dress DEFINITELY doesn’t fit her and you look like a Queen Vic extra.  You’re bored but God forbid you fix it so instead you have an affair. Yes this is the sensible solution to your boredom and her inability to stop going on about the DIY or your mother whom she now admits she’s never really liked.

As for women who have these affairs, seriously chica you have time to have an affair? And how when women tend to have emotional rather than physical attachment to sex? This is doomed to failure. I don’t actually buy into the notion that you can cheat on someone you really love and respect. I think that this is a recession led solution to an age old problem; some people don’t want to go through the hassle and cost of a divorce. TOUGH!

I’m sure a site like Marital Affair will do well because it offers the customer exactly what they want. A safe site for those that want discrete affairs with other like-minded people.  But this isn’t for me yet. Why? Because I don’t have a husband to spy on.

If I catch FuHu (future husband) on there (please tell me he had the decency NOT to post photos) then I shall calmly take him for everything he’s got and keep moving. There are sites just for sex but affairs? I’m going to say that it doesn’t work for me. This is another male construct to excuse bad behaviour.  And no site can escape from the fact that most men are too sloppy not to get caught.  Anything from the perfume to the STI are dead giveaways.  Women are less likely to slip up unless they get emotionally involved I reckon. Then they spill.

I guess I want honesty but there is such a thing as too honest? It’s just honest deception.

Oh wait, are there tips there on how not to get caught? I’ll have a quick peek for, research purposes. Just in case Ryan or Tiger call me up and ask for tips.

Happy fornication!

© Chelsea Black



Photo faux pas part 3

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: ,

F is for Photo Faux pas part 3

So here is the thing. I know that the photo is our brand and calling card and so with this photo we want to say all of the things we can’t put into words. Some people’s photos say I want you to shag me baby (aka the fish pout, breasts out) whilst their profile say that they are looking for that perfect guy who will go on long walks and is religious.

Ladies, please I beg you let’s not confuse the men. They are confused enough as it is as they have so many profiles to choose from. And aren’t we all luscious lovelies in our own sweet way. Some of us just aren’t as photogenic. Let’s work with what we’ve got and not sell the sex unless we want those that want sex (that’s a short blog- post a photo of your best asset and stand back for the onslaught)

That said men get it wrong sometimes too. I’m going to suggest you don’t wear all of your best clothes despite whether they match or not. I’m going to suggest you don’t post a picture of a car that isn’t yours and you could never afford. I learned yesterday that pinterest is an easy tool for those that want to visualise their dreams. Not a dating site. PLEASE !!

The other thing is that clothes do maketh the man or woman. Ill fitting, so many seasons back that it’s old without being retro or just plain ugly must be avoided at all costs. I look at it like this, does FuHu want to see that picture and proudly show it to others and say, THAT’S her! That’s the woman I want to marry? Or does he look and say check out the jugs on that! (this has never happened to me thankfully as my jugs aren’t full)

I’m not suggesting women pose in a wedding dress or get those soft Samantha Brick blurry 80s lens ones either…I know it’s tempting to skip a few stages but don’t scare them.

I’m saying keep it real but put your best images forward. Judging from this photo there is such a thing as keeping it too real though right?

Right I’m off to practise my pout.

© Chelsea Black

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