Tag Archives: FuHu

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Dear FuHu : Why I don’t strip

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: ,

stripDear FuHu, I know what you’re doing with the hints and suggestions. Maybe you loved Showgirls or that terrible movie with Demi Moore or that other one with Carmen Electra. Or, like Apollo in Real Housewives of Atlanta your second home is  the strip club. I know what you want but, it’s not going to happen. Yes, I naked lounge dance but that’s not sexy. That’s a celebration of emotion. Please, let’s not confuse them.

I was thinking about you yesterday as I came home late from a boring meeting. I don’t know if it was the sun shiny day or that exhilarated madness one feels just before they slump into fatigue but, suddenly I imagined stripping for you. I wanted to please you because I know you would like that. I was listening to something sexy on the ipod. I think it was noughties Christina Aguilera. Yeah, I know you secretly like her even if you pretend otherwise. So the moment was right. I was going to do this!

I was wearing a summer dress and ballet slippers. I figured that I’d keep the earrings and wig on as unpinning it would just waste time and there was less than 2 minutes of the song left. Besides, I wasn’t getting ready to fight you. This was a seduction.

All seemed to be going well. I was dancing and maintaining eye contact. Yes, I was practising in the mirror. I did the skirt lift up as I knew that the dress was never going to slide down the Charlize Theron way. I thought I was prepared. I stroked my thighs like the girls in the videos and lifted the skirt to my waist, keeping to the rhythm. Well, barely. I was lipsyncing and trying to look sexy all at the same time. I know that they say women can multitask but this, this was dancing, singing, undressing and trying to look sexy (not sick) all at once. Challenging doesn’t begin to describe it. I did a shimmy move to get the shoes off then nearly tripped over them a beat later. You know I’m clumsy. It’s a left footed thing.

Then, and I didn’t see this coming, the dress got stuck. It wouldn’t lift upwards. Someone had forgotten to loosen the string belt that gives waistless people a waist.  I stopped to undo the strings a little, caught the beat back and resumed sexy. Then it wouldn’t slide over my boobs. How the fuck do strippers do this for a living? I stood there for 15 seconds trying to disentangle myself from the dress, the ipod and the unsexiest pose ever whilst trying not to lose the beat. By the time I had done the song was over and the moment had passed. The strip tease was just a headache. I even missed the key change moment where I’d planned to give you a twirl and over the shoulder come to bed look. But my neck is sore.

And this is why I don’t’ strip. Please understand that I’m just not built for it. But, I’m happy for you to have a go. *goes off to find Joe Cocker CD* there you go. Leave your hat on but make sure you take off the socks, yeah?

Love,

Your FuWi

P.S. I think you should cancel the stripper pole. I saw it in your browser history.  We’re not ready for that sort of commitment to sexy.

© Chelsea Black

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Dear FuHu

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, BLOG, Latest, Tags: ,

A-Sexy F is for FuHu

Dear FuHu,

Hi. It’s me again. I don’t know where to begin. I know I keep writing and you don’t answer but I think it’s important we keep the lines of communication open. After all you are my Future Husband and if I can’t chat incessantly at you then who can I talk to?

OMG you don’t think I’m a nag do you? Is THIS why you’re avoiding me? Do you think I’m too needy? Oh FuHu, please ignore these desperate pleas asking for you to reveal yourself and let us start our lives together. I won’t even tell you about the 4 private educated children that are in our future or the holiday / writing retreat in the South West of France. See FuHu I too can be economically savvy. I know that the South West is cheaper than the South. We can take long drives to Cannes and Nice for the real holidays. Yes I’m saving us money already which will mean we have more to spend on domestic staff. Don’t you love my recession busting spirit? Yeah, me too.

Of course there are a few things I don’t think we should compromise on just for the sake of our (read my) sanity. The basics like Heinz baked beans and ketchup, black cabs when it’s raining, cold or my heels are hurting and of course the full package Homecare from British Gas. I’m sure you can see how cutting these are false economies right. That’s what I love about you FuHu, you don’t sweat the small stuff.

Now about my allowance. I know I said a couple of grand a month would cover it but, did you know that we are in a recession. Of course you did you’re such a clever one FuHu. Anyway, I’ve been doing some basic number crushing and it seems that if you want to keep me in the lifestyle I am yet to become accustomed too then we are going to have to double it. But I promise to be extra nice to your mother in return.

Ok that’s it from me for now. I’m off to visit nursery schools. I need to figure out which has the best networking opportunities for Sapphire and Onyx.  Oops, I slipped on the names. Forgive me. I just can’t wait!

I love you FuHu. Don’t be too late. I need to tell the cook what to make for dinner.

Snogs,

© Chelsea Black

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The Proposal The Ring

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , , , , , , , ,

So normally I would write off a month like February as too short, too cold and too full of hearts and roses for me to bother with. The chocolate is the only bit that warms my cynical heart and even then it has to be hot chocolate fondant. But this year is a leap year on which we woman can propose to the men in our lives if we so choose. I know one female friend who is planning a 29th Feb proposal and a male friend proposing in the next few weeks.  It’s a bold move and one that I, the misadventure queen have never ever done! Probably because I have never met a man worthy of marrying but more so it’s because I can’t decide on which ring I would buy myself.

Luckily for me I’m a singletini this year but what would be my criteria for proposing and how would I do it? Forget the sports tannoy. I’m already stuck my precious because the first thing that hit me is that either I would have to buy him something or buy myself THE RING!

I quickly dismiss the thought of buying him something. After all he would be getting bossy old me and my body to abuse at all hours of the day so there really is no better prize. And if he was so much to suggest that new rims for his car may have been a symbolic gesture then we know that marriage wouldn’t last.

The ring is frought with issues. My ex was given clear visual guides (catelogues/walk bys/ website images) on the ring that I deemed to be acceptable. Rings in magazines had been carefully circled and strategically placed in his football kit bag to ensure he didn’t mess it up. Of course he arrived at Pravins, got seduced by a pair of young buoyant boobs on a blond mop and promptly bought me something so heinous that he was forced to buy another. And his new wife is a younger blonde.

Another ex of mine got some cheap ring off a cheaper relative who knew a guy who knew a back of a lorry’s owner. He proposed to everybody with this one ring. They would say yes then, when they realised that his penis has other plans for him he would take back the ring and try his routine somewhere else. Luckily I managed to avoid said ring. The only place he should put that ring is on his prolific penis because that’s the only thing he is totally committed to.

I sometimes think about the Tiffany pink bauble that I’ve hankered for all these years and realise that if I bought it for myself it wouldn’t be the same. Hence I need a man that can and will (with clear guidance) buy something for me. De Beers / Tiffany/ Hatton Gardens don’t do a Groupon discount voucher. I checked.

But if you propose to him is it fair to then expect him to buy a ring?

Yes my precious it is because if the marriage doesn’t work and he runs off with little miss new boobs and freezes the joint assets (have your own bank account my darlings) then sometimes the ring is the only thing you have to pawn. This money will ensure you can afford that must have spa week / hotel stay. Believe you me an impressive shoe collection doesn’t fetch nearly as much as you hoped.

The only reasonable alternative would be for you to buy him an engagement ring. However I don’t see men walking around with diamond rings talking about carats andalways dreaming about a princess cut. Whether men should wear a symbol of their imminent single demise is a whole other issue.

And yes, if FuHu is reading this (Future Husband) these are the sorts of rings I would deem acceptable. Platinum my darling none of this silver or while gold for me. I love you!

©Chelsea Black

 

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