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The Facebook photo CV

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , ,

The Facebook Photo CV

Remember when internet dating was a little bit dirty. I mean it was a sordid secret. You would meet couples and ask how they met and neither one of them could look you in the eye? Those were the good old days! But now, it’s part of anyone who is looking to date’s portfolio. We’ve moved it up a notch and stopped paying for the privilege. Yes I’m talking about Facebook.

OK so now we are recruiting potentials  through Facebook I’m going to have to warn you as to what your profile is saying to the world. Read through and if any of these resonate fix it and spare yourself some disappointment. I’m not saying that this is the reason these assumptions are made but like all recruiters we only have a few seconds to reach a conclusion as to the worthiness of the application.

Photos

1)      Guys who peaked in the 90s. Hairstyles like the hightop lean or Soul glo fabulosity. Take down all said photos and instead post up pictures of Obama, superheros and philosophical quotes like “when a man really loves , he does something average but gets huge points for it.” It adds an air of mystery to you and shows that you know your market.

2)      Rule of thumb, if her kid looks 5 years younger than her than something isn’t right. Don’t wander off into a mother daughter porno fantasy love. Someone is lying about their age.

3)      Photos of only their face tell you that chances are they’re not that body beautiful or confident. I would keep scrolling but they may be hiding something you probably don’t want to see.  I had one of these and he was…well let’s just say I assembled my bed myself and I’m not that confident that it could take him let alone both of us.

4)      Photos of him and the boys then chances are you are going to have to contend with posse time. Oh wait we aren’t calling it posse anymore? Then stop hanging around with your high school posse every weekend when you’re  40 something dude.

5)      Only business networking type photos? That’s the only time he looks good girl is in a suit.

6)      No photos of the opposite sex? They are hiding someone away. Maybe it’s like that time LL Cool J used a slimmer woman on his doing it and doing it and doing it well song instead of the real artist. He may be ashamed of her indoors.

7)      If a guy only has women in his photos then grab your purse and run. He’s one of those timewasting wannabes.

8)      One woman in his photos – not quite over the ex. One man in her photos, seriously chica you met Idris once! Let’s move on.

9)      Drunken photos posted by others? Her friends aren’t true friends. Beware the bitchy singles

10)   Drunken photos posted by themselves. So what they like to get drunk.

11)   Only drunken photos…functioning alcoholism is what keeps the supermarkets in profit.

12)   Photos with their kids. They’ve got kids. This may have been the only achievement they are proud of to date. Also telling you that they give cute babies. Always an angle.

13)   Photos of them half naked. Don’t hate, appreciate that Fitness First membership.

14)   Only photos of them half naked. Yeah this one is going to spend a lot of time in the mirror or posing during sex. Best you leave them to their greatest love of all. Themselves.

15)   Photos of Food. Unless they are dieting or experimenting with new recipes this could suggest a healthy appetite for sex. See 3 to ensure that the body doesn’t reflect over eating.

16)   Never smiling – takes themselves too seriously

17)   Always smiling – they know how to have a laugh

18)   Messy rooms – they are messy

19)   Sterile room – they remembered to clean up before the photo was taken

20)   Only photos of uplifting inspirational quotes from others? A wanker with very little imagination.

Happy recruiting!

© Chelsea Black

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F is for Fairweather Friends

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Categories: A-sexy: Etiquette Guide, BLOG, Latest, Randoms, Tags: , , ,

So the other day I was in Waterstones waiting for an event to kick off when I picked up a Grazia.  Not something I ever read to be honest as I can’t stand magazines with more adverts than articles. There was an article about a woman who had dropped out of university when she got pregnant and had watched all her friends get on with their lives. She only landed on her feet years later when she got a job as a showbiz journalist in the South of France.

Suddenly she got bitchy comments on her Facebook wall and on the phone. They started off with the usual tongue in cheek ribs about hating her when she posted about her glamourous life but got quite bitchy later on.

I read this and thought so it happens more than we think. Some people can’t help but comment negatively on anything. The other day I posted a photo of me in a dress and someone pointed out that Maxine my budda belly was rather prominent. Thanks for that. I guess I’m supposed to refrain from posting photos again in which I don’t look perfect?

Or the fact that many people aren’t working doesn’t mean they can’t go out. I’m constantly networking when I am ‘resting’ and yet I get comments like Lucky Bitch or Dirty Stop Out. Trust me most of the events I go to are perilously boring and the men aren’t anything close to getting me dirty.

But the worst type of comments I get is from other single women on the number of dates I go on or the men I interact with. Chicas trust me you can have them. Take them. ALL of them. I clearly have no use for them.  Asking me ‘How come YOU get so many dates?’ however isn’t going to warm me to you.

I realise that some people only want to hear that you have it worse off than they do. I moan about the number of engagements announced on Facebook but I’m happy for every one of them. I just think Facebook likes to taunt me with it in the top right hand corner for days. I’m the dating disasters chick to some and woe betide I have a good date or a relationship. The warnings of perilous times ahead from close friends is unimaginable. Lucky for my friends it doesn’t happen often.

But it does get you thinking about your role in the friendship chain. Are you the friend that people look at and think, ‘Phew no matter what my life isn’t as shit as hers?’ and if so is that a real friendship?

I don’t mind comments. I welcome them. But perhaps some may want to check themselves and if the thought of someone else going on a bad date to Nandos is too much to bear. Just saying. Your choice.

© Chelsea Black

 

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The blog starts

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Categories: ABOUT, FIND ME, Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

So you know when you turn up to those business networking do da things and they tell you that everyone is going to have to do a 60 second pitch? And you’re standing there thinking to yourself, “****! I’ve got half an idea, my deodorant stopped working around noon and I’m hungry.” Well that’s how I feel about writing this column. It’s half an idea based on a series of status updates on a certain social networking utility but, hopefully, by the end of this you’ll get the idea.

Deadlines and word counts, my parents would be so proud. Not that they’ll see this. I mean, who wants to be confronted with the fact that their daughter is a dating disaster, spends way too much day time in the local park and thinks that the recommended drinking limit for women is 21 units? (Its 14 units for those of you who also thought that 21 was the right answer. It is, if you’re a man). Oh, and the sex! No one wants to admit that their precious child is out there exploring. Not as much as she would like to mind you but exploring none the less.

I’m a girl with a plan. I plan to have babies, get married 4 times (1 down only 3 to go!) and am destined for great things. Unfortunately I am severely allergic to kids, fall in lust way too quickly, and lack the focus for success. But none of this stops me from dreaming. You’ve got to have dreams right? I work for myself as an administrator and social group organiser (see reference to park above) but am a full time bar fly.

So a bit about me just to set the scene. Ok, I’m over 21. I’m at the age where men ask me how many kids I’ve got as opposed to do I have any. Then again this could be due to my permanent budda belly that I call Maxine Saj. She goes everywhere with me and constantly craves chocolates and woo woo cocktails. I don’t question these desires, I just provide.

I live in London and will not be removed unless under the influence of lots of champagne and a Tiffany ring. In fact, I saw the perfect champagne pink bauble ring in their window the other day. I think the ring, a house in zone 1 or 2, a great credit rating to counterbalance mine AND patience makes for the perfect compromise for being stuck in a relationship. Oh and a credit card would be yummy but I’m a realist. You can’t have it all.

Now I would love to stop and chat some more but you’ve just reminded me that I need to contrive a subtle way for my latest lust bunny to see the bauble ring. It’s been 3 weeks and I’m hopeful. So what if he hasn’t called me for a week. A girl with a plan, that’s me.

Ciao for now my precious

© Chelsea Black

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