Tag Archives: etiquette

A- Sexy D is for Durex

So you’re on the couch having a babysitter style make out session and then he pulls it out. No not that, not yet but he pulls out a condom and puts it onto the side just to let you know where this is going and how it’s going to go down. My man! I’m all excited until I look over and spot those 5 letters that make me shudder and not in a good way.

As you know I am a fan of the condom. Mainly because being an emotional and hormonal woman I don’t think my body could withstand any further medication. Besides, I don’t believe any man is faithful. Nope best to stick to condoms cos you never know if your husband / partner/ fuckbuddy / friends with benefits is sticking it somewhere else.

But there is one brand I really don’t like which is a shame because it seems to be the British condom of choice. I wonder if they will be the official sponsors of the Olympics. I’m talking about Durex.

There are a number of reasons for my dislike of Durex and yes I’ve given way too much thought to it.

1)      The spermicide or lube

It is the worst spermicide on the market in terms of it’s too strong in that antiseptic medicinal way. That’s what makes for stinging afterwards.  I know we always thing that strong means it’s working but the spermicide is meant to kill the sperm not any feeling in us. The only thing worse are flavoured condoms whose purpose I still haven’t figured out.

2)      Their stamina

You can’t go for a long session with a durex. They dry out quickly and again this leads to pain for her and the increased risk of tears. That’s why they’ve added in all these different lubes and gels to compensate for the crap spermicide on there. But our bodies know even if yours don’t.

3)      The sizes

Apart from the Avanti they are too small and tight at the base of the penis. Now if he loves the Durex chances are I’m not going to love him dick. You need a mates or a Trojan or something roomier and comfortable.  I’m not being sizest but I am. So there.

4)      The massage oil

This is one of the most vile massage oils on the market and they sell it in Boots? Why! No best you just use a good lube as a massage oil instead of this drying sticky mess

My advice to men is to always have a selection because you know that we women are fussy at the best of time. And to women to hide the condom bowl. That’s just way too much selection…apparently

That reminds me my precious, I need to put in a Trojan order in from a friend returning from the States. A Trojan man, now that’s my man (and condom) of choice.

© Chelsea Black

A – sexy D is for Dildo

A couple of Christmases ago I had to give a secret Santa gift. So hard with a spending limit! I never get this concept as I don’t know what someone is meant to find for less than £20 eventually on a not so rare trip to Simply Pleasure I found a vibrator in the reduced bin. £20! Perfect. And it doubled up as a dildo so batteries weren’t always necessary. We’ve all been there when the batteries run out and …..

So I bought it wrapped it and watched in awe as the shy girl picked it out of the box and seemed perplexed by it. I then breached secret Santa code by explaining to her if she didn’t want to use it as a vibrator she could always use it as a dildo. I understood completely. Vibrators can be a tad noisy and no one wants the neighbours to know that you’re single every night my precious.

She looked confused and that’s when it became clear that she didn’t really know what a dildo was. Quite often men confuse a dildo with a vibrator. Either way I know that the thought of something other than their dick invading that space is somewhat scary to some men. Don’t like the fact that you can be so easily replaced huh? I would be more worried by another man replacing you but no, they worry about some silicone and plastic. Or are you more worried that she might buy a strap and actually use it on you? Yes this is the joy of the dildo. So versatile and noise free!

Why dildos are good

• They never cum too soon
• They are always hard
• You can get them made to measure. It’s never too small if you are in the shop buying it
• They are softer than vibrators on the whole so not as painful
• They are great as butt gapers or toys for the pets. Versatility

Why dildos aren’t so good

• They can be rather awkward to get in when in a strap on. You really need to guide them so there isn’t as much hands free action.
• The person wearing the strap on has to phfaff with it and doesn’t really get that much pleasure. Unless they’ve started making them with a
• They can be cold. No throbbing members here. Best you warm it up properly with some heating lube please.
• Sometimes you don’t want penetration you want clitoral stimulation. So not the same without the family buzz and whirring of the vibrator.

But, I’m not sure that dildos have a place in some heterosexual relationship beyond a one off bit of fun. Men really do start to resent it and you’ll find it disappearing into the bin before you know it. It challenges the male ego. Girl on girl is a discussion too as some women really don’t believe toy penetration is part of the deal.

I’m open. I never think you can have too many toys in your collection. Sometimes it’s nice to have different sensory experiences no? I’m guessing most of the men will be saying no.  Surprise me guys?

© Chelsea Black