Tag Archives: etiquette

A-Sexy Due Diligence part 2

Virtual

So you meet a guy and immediately after The Grill I now Google him. Never again will I be caught out by a guy whose criminal record is on the internet. I Google and corroborate the stories he’s told me so far. Things like what he does / did for work or went to University or School would normally come up. If not then you proceed with a Twitter, Facebook and Blog search. Don’t be afraid to search for images either.

A guy that has none of these will probably find my need to blog on sex and dating a little weird and therefore highly unlikely that we will be an ideal match. But also I find guys who have no virtual presence a little too good at keeping their secrets secret. Ask him about his use of whatsapp / bbm and the others because you may be getting involved with someone who is a time traveller from a different age and that has all sorts of social problems. Does he have friends? Will he suffocate your need to tweet every day? I’m just wary.

Dating sites are fundamentally flawed as everyone lies on them. I will never ever be close to 8 stone and yet I happily tick the slim box as there is nothing that says African curvy but small on top. Athletic is a lie. Men lie about height, job, marital status, dick size and hobbies. The last book he read was Harry Potter or a Wired magazine. But he’s put down some 19^th Century Russian dude? Suggest a first date to Waterstone’s and see how well he knows his way around. Unless it’s something wanky like Guardian Soulmates in which case he probably did read it….at uni! So assume the worst and do your due diligence regardless.

Reality

If he passes the virtual then it’s time for the reality. The best way is to go to his place. Photographic evidence is useful but you can also determine if he is housetrained or if there are worrying signs that the feminine touches to the house are still recent. These can be anything from frills to smells.  Men’s houses smell different to women’s’. You need to be like a bloodhound but work quickly. My motto is check the Bed (room), bath(cupboards) and beyond (kitchen and spare rooms). Does his space match up with everything he told you or is this a place he has loaned? He claims not to have children and yet, what’s that rubber toy on the edge of the bath? That’s not an adult toy.

I should have known something was up when a guy struggled to open the front door for me then wasn’t sure where the drink glasses were kept. He had to move a light bulb from one room to another and the heating wasn’t on. This wasn’t a good look as I hate the cold. It turns out that this empty flat was on loan from his friend the estate agent.

Social

Ok so he’s still doing ok, you’re shagging him by now and he calls regularly enough for you to trust that he is who he says he is. You can reach him on his mobile at various times of the day and night and yet he’s not too available that you start to wonder if he has a life. But what about his social life?  If most of your interaction happens in your respective bedrooms then this is harder to decipher. A key is to see him around other people to know what he’s really like. He may claim to be a pacifist and love everyone but he’s rude to waiters and barges past old people. You want to see him out with strangers as well as with friends and family. One guy I know was all “so what, cha, you alriiiiiight!” and walked with a pimp limp out of a blaxploitation movie when it was the two of us but when he spoke to his parents on the phone he was …different. “Yes Mummy of course I will.” He sat straight and sounded lovely. Turns out that he was rebelling against boarding school and a home counties upbringing bless him.

So there you have it. The need for due diligence is not something that I will give up unless I have references from 3 of his exes that are certified and a letter from the Pope / a religious elder. Even then I think there is a need for independence. DIY Due Diligence is the way forward for less risky, safer dating in modern times. Oh how I yearn for feudal times where our Fathers did all the hard work.

Happy digging!

© Chelsea Black

A-Sexy: D is for Due Diligence part 1

So I’ve been talking to a cab driver from North London for a couple of weeks. He finds me to be a judgemental snob for not dating men on pay as you go and I find him to be defensive and slightly sneaky for one his age. He is Nigerian, 40, claims to be single and talking to 6 women at the moment so my chances aren’t great at best. His chances are a couple of dates, a shag and me disappearing. I know he isn’t a FuHu.  He lives outside my 45 minute dating zone but as a cab driver he can come to me, right. Anyway I digress.

All was going well I guess until I asked him if he was on Facebook or Twitter. No he said he’s never been on either. Huh? Never?!? Now I know people who have left Twitter yes but Mama Black and half my Aunts are on Facebook so why not him? He mumbled something about not being into social media and that if he wants to speak to his friends he’ll do it the conventional way and alarm bells starting ringing. And I’ll tell you for why my precious. It means that my Due Diligence is well and truly scuppered.

Due Diligence is an important part of the dating process. Gone are the days when you would go to the elders and say that you like a girl and they would say “Eish that one? Her family are all lazy and can’t grind maize well. Best you go for one of the Mbali girls they make strong babies with those big breasts of theirs.” No unless you meet him in church, a gym or university the community check is long dead. That said there is about 1.5 degrees of separation in Black London so somehow somewhere you will likely know someone who knows your potential date.  Or maybe that’s just me?

But as the virtual widens our circles of trust so too does it mean that we open ourselves to more risk and dating becomes less safe. I’m not only talking about social sites but dating sites too. Side note: Plenty of Fish is the most dangerous site for your mental health ever. I’m not saying spy on them as once this happens the relationship is pretty much over but keep your wits about you and look for signs, right?

I know my precious, I know you want to trust him and he looks sincere but is there any real harm in doing some checks? I’m not suggesting you invest £300 in a Private Investigator just yet, no wait for the proposal and the return of the valuation of the engagement ring before you go that far. I’m not going to go into all of the due diligence that we ladies go into as I know that some men out there would use it as a means of getting slicker but there are a couple of headliners that all women should consider, no?

Let’s do this! Part 2

© Chelsea Black

A -Sexy: D is for deadbeats part 2. Part 1 is here

So, some clues that he has deadbeat leanings?

1)      He’s always late because something came up last minute. How this guy has such a busy life when he’s currently not working is a cause for concern but also a  regularly used con.

2)      It’s never his fault. Someone else is responsible for the bad things that happen in his life.

3)      He lies before he tells the truth even if the truth is nothing to hide. It’s an automatic reaction to being asked a question.

4)      He knows too many people and too many of them don’t speak to him anymore.

5)      He’s the youngest child, spoiled, only son and used to people doing things for him. That now includes you.

6)      Pay as you go is a way of life especially if someone else is paying for his credit.

7)      He never takes you out but knows all the freeness that is available on line.

8)      He is very familiar with the benefits system and all its loopholes but has never ever worked for the council or a sub-contractor. Tuesdays are a good day.

9)      He talks about his future like it’s a place he has never visited. I have no problem with someone who has stumbled and is finding their way back to normality or their life path but this one has never even visited normality or a goal!

10)   He tells you that he’s going to be rich and famous one day but he is a 30 something year old rapper who is never in the studio or writing just hoping that one of his friends will give him the hookup. He can tell you who was on Loose women though

11)   He knows a lot of people who have made it but they don’t really talk to him anymore unless it’s to ask for that £100 they loaned him in 1999.

12)   His current situation is only temporary but has been temporary for more than a 12 month period. Try 5 or 6 years of crashing at his sister’s house who is 5 years younger than him.

13)   There are parts of his history that don’t add up. Take a piece of paper and map a timeline of all the places he says that he’s been and when including work, relationship and education. Spot some gaps? Thought so. That’s either time spent in jail, a cult or on the couch smoking.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you my precious. Let’s be clear the only deadbeat allowed in a relationship is the mother of 2 or 3 who has put in an 18 hour date and is tired. Anything else has to go.

be deadbeat free my precious. It’s the only way to maintain your sanity.

© Chelsea Black