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Stupid Questions Women Ask Part 2

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2) So, do you have kids?

Here’s the thing. If he has kids then surely he will at some point mention it? But because he is still just thinking about sex and you are thinking about the potential FuHu this is a silly question to ask. Some lie and deny their kids exist or worse, regale you with stories of fights with ‘baby mothers’ and how he managed not to pay as much child support by moving in with his mum and mini cabbing instead of his old job just to get the bitch back. He sounds dreamy!

However as stupid as it is we ask because we want to know and our reason is 3 fold:

DATING:  If a man has kids we really want to know how much of his time is spent with them and the ex. Because we are already planning their whole social calendars and lives. Also do they have a lot of interaction with the ex or exes or is it one where he isn’t that involved with them. Whilst non- involvement seems like a bad sign for reason 3 it is a good sign for the woman that needs a lot of your time and attention and isn’t looking to share this with little people. McDonalds (aka Divorced Daddy Day care)lunches every other weekend may not be bliss for everyone.

DISPOSABLE INCOME: Second reason we want to work out how much of his meagre income goes on child support. If he’s a musician forget it. I dated a drummer who needed 3 extra jobs to pay for his transportation of his drum kit and child support. He didn’t have any time or money left. He also used the kid as an excuse once for being 45 minutes late. A two year old cannot get that tangled in a jungle gym that you lose close to an hour dude.  But I should have realised that him having a kid and a part time job was not the one.

DADDY POTENTIAL: Third reason is you has a living example of what kind of father he is going to be. An ex had a child who was the love of his life and clearly he was a great parent. But when it came to a schooling decision they decided that as the mother had struggled with shyness at school that the child would benefit from going to school a year later. I wasn’t impressed.

But I wouldn’t have had the insight into him as a Dad without the child there. I know now that it would never have worked because I would have assumed that he would have pushed the child to skip a year and jump straight into Grade 2. The Tiger Mum / African way of parenting.

But all that justification for the question aside it’s not a first date question. Ask him what he gets up to on his weekends and see what he says. Or where he spent his last summer. IF he says Disneyland or he has a membership card for Legoland in his wallet then know that the chances are he has some kids….. or some strange interests.

Men: Don’t believe any woman that tells you that she loves children or fawns over photos of yours. If she hasn’t got any of her own she’s thinking every other weekend and half the school holidays with someone else’s brats? Hmmmm, I’ll pass thanks. She also just wants to know if you shoot cute. (terminology c/o @whrt100) If you have some ug bug kids then know you will never ever see that woman again.

3) So do you want kids?

Too revealing chick. Hold in the biological clock. Chances are you’re going to have to trick him into getting pregnant at some point anyway so why alert him to this on date one? I remember that line in Just Wright where Queen Latifah is sitting with Laz Alonso and she says “So what about kids?” and tries to sound light and breezy. He didn’t call for a 2nd date and put her in the homie zone. We were meant to believe that’s because she wasn’t slim and girly like a god sister Paula Patton but really it was because she was screaming desperation at that dinner. I could wax lyrical on that film alone but the point is that your job on a date is not to reveal any weakness or vulnerability in your relationship armour. Do not talk about your exes. Of course you have some and worse do NOT talk about his and become his counsellor. Keep some bloody mystery. And if they ask you if you want kids or more kids just smile, shrug and say, “hmmmm, one day…..maybe” Do not tell him you want 5, 2 boys and 3 girls and that you have their names picked out (culture permitting.) I know we’ve all thought about it but seriously, he hasn’t.

4) How come you aren’t married ?

So I hate the ‘How is a girl like you still single?’ question from men. Equally men don’t like this one. He’s not married and we should see this as a positive instead we are trying to figure out what is wrong with him? Because clearly something is wrong with him if he has gotten to his mid 40s without so much of a whiff of the diamond shopping spree. Worse if he doesn’t have kids some women start questioning his ability to have them. MAYBE you have tripped across that rare breed of man who doesn’t take his sexual health lightly and has spent a good portion of his life hustling for work and not for love. Think of all of that love he has saved just for you?

Of course there are those who claim not to be married and yet there is a faint whiff of a recently pulled off ring and the sort of belly that only a wife can cook. If you smell married then grab your purse and run. These are the most dangerous as you will fall for them completely. They have been well trained so compared to single guys will seem too good to be true.

The other thing is that if he isn’t married or never has been he may not be the marrying kind. This is not a challenge ladies! You will waste two to three good egg years on a man who claims Hugh Hefner is a lightweight.

That’s it. I can’t think of any more because let’s face it most women are practically perfect. Except for those with a head full of broken biscuits which some guys just can’t seem to resist. But remember this my precious, dating is like a job interview. Don’t let your guard down and ask the questions they are expecting and never get so relaxed (Read drunk) that you slip. Happy dating!

Tomorrow, stupid relationship questions

© Chelsea Black

 

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Stupid questions women ask pt 1

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Categories: DATING TIPS, Tags: , , , , , , ,

So this has taken longer to write simply because there aren’t as many stupid women questions as compared to the ones men ask. I lie I lie! We too can be just as dating dumb.

I’m going to set the scenario for you. The evening thus far has been full of banter and the joys of getting to know each other. You both have a love of seminal 80s pop and he keeps staring appreciatively but not too respectfully at your cleavages. Yes cleavages girl because that outfit is just the right side of decent. Then you both smile at each other and in that moment you have that momentary panic. What if this is as good as it gets? Yes he knows all the words to Chesney Hawkes The one and only but is he just a one date wonder?  What will you tell your friends and mum tomorrow because if you are not tweeting about it then they will call you with questions. So you do what you know you shouldn’t do and start asking stupid, stupid questions. Forgive yourself my precious because somewhere somehow we all do it even though unlike the men we know better. Blame it on the 3rd glass of bubbly and move on graciously. Just  try not to ask more than one in a night!

(sidenote – Champagne is to be avoided on a date because it makes you look like the high maintenance chick you should be and can cause ugly pre sex bloat. Don’t make the control tops work overtime. He doesn’t care that it’s low calorie. Only drink if he has suggested a bottle and there is a ring box bulging from his trouser pocket.)

  1. So what do you do?

Ah so the interview portion of the date has begun. Dating is just another way of saying interview over food or drink. The problem is the only question he wants answering is if you are going to put out that night or in the near future and you are thinking is this my potential FuHu (future husband)? Let’s cut the crap. Chances are it isn’t FuHu it is some guy you may hang with for a few weeks whilst FuHu gets his act together and asks you out. This guy will drop hints about his suitability from how he orders food to compliments he gives. You may as well just enjoy yourself and stop worrying, right? No because women want to figure out early if he has potential and if he does, trust he is less likely to get sex. Oh the irony.

What you are really asking is:

How much money do you earn?

Will your job impress my friends and family?

Can I give up work and become a couch potato or will I have to work until I’m 70?

How secure is your income? (business owner may just be tax avoider. Be warned)

Will you be able to put all 4 of our kids through stage or private school?

So whilst you may consider these important questions to know you are going about it the wrong way and getting his defences up whether he has money or not. Unless he’s from certain African countries in which case he may happily talk about his money and make out that he’s a prince, landowner, chief. You know who you are.

What he does doesn’t tell you anything about him and his attitude to money or his disposable income. If he has kids or debt for example then what he does isn’t really a reflection of his disposable income and you must never ever ask them how much of that they have. And yet somehow it does matter to us.

The other day I was in a bar on a girls’ night out and we got talking to a guy who was boringly texting someone. When asked what he does he said a doctor. Suddenly he became a lot more eligible. The girls stood taller, began strategizing and yes, he was a marked man never to talk to another group of women that night. If he had said he was a primary school teacher he wouldn’t have gotten the same sort of love or snogs. Except from me because I don’t see music and arts for sub 10 year olds in my future. So best I get a man that does.

But it’s a stupid question because whilst we want to know all of these things the key is does this person have a similar attitude to money to you or at least a complimentary one. As soon as a man hears it he’s thinking oh she’s one of those women who judges a man and his job and money. Yes, that’s exactly what we do but must men know this? Be more stealth.

Years ago I met a guy who wouldn’t tell me what he did. Turns out he was an asbestos remover. He said that he showered straight after work but, he was right I just didn’t see that in my future or my bed.  I struggle enough washing sweaty sheets let alone asbestos dust. Another was an electrician. I asked him a question about my dodgy lighting and he said it was just a bad batch of bulbs. Err, for 3 years? I don’t mind an electrician but a bad one who wasn’t even willing to come round and sort out my wiring? He totally didn’t pick up the clue. What’s the use in that!

The problem with this question is that so many people don’t really have jobs or careers anymore. You are showing yourself up as not being with the times.  The number of slashers I’ve met is ridiculous and I don’t need to hear about the promotion work which will help him crack it as a singer but at the moment he is working for Lidl stacking shelves. Sometimes you ask the question and you talk yourself out of potential shags.

The other issue is that so many are not in employment at the moment. Why ruin a perfectly good date by reminding him that his redundancy money is running low? Then when you do the purse reach at the end of dinner you may find yourself paying for the whole dinner.

Another guy I knew didn’t really do much. He told me he was waiting for his mum to die so that he could inherit the house. He misread my shocked face and said “Don’t worry, she’s 70 now so not long to go,” and winked. The only thing that died was my phone when he called. This guy was a trained accountant!

My favourite alternative is talking about what I wanted to be when I was younger (if he thinks he could still be a premiership footballer or a rapper at 43 then time to grab your purse and head home hun) or asking how was work? This could backfire if he hates his job though. Less obvious questions but you still get all the information you require. So let’s drop this question please ladies. We need to recognise that the job title doesn’t the man make and it just makes us look shallow. I can be shallow but why reveal that so early on?

Oh and for those women with crap jobs. This shouldn’t even be a consideration as a question. What if he were to ask it back? Get your own money before looking at men with money as your meal ticket. I know we all have to eat but dating isn’t a supermarket alternative.

© Chelsea Black

 

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Why Games don’t work

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The other night I was at a Get the Guy seminar learning how to ….well, get a guy. I am somewhat sceptical about these Americanised seminars in hotels. Was I going to be expected to whoop and holler? Walk over hot coals to prove my commitment to finding true love? I rubbed my hand sorely as I recall an NLP course where I had to break through a wooden block. So I intrepidly entered a room full of women who wanted to know the answers to why they were still single or he wouldn’t commit. The anticipation was palpable. I had one hand in my lap…eating haribos. Apparently there was no canapes with this seminar.

There were women from all different backgrounds, ages and styles. I’m no stylist but immediately I was itching to get my hands on those who were drowning themselves in colours and shapes that repelled rather than attracted. How many shades of beige are there! In my sweeping analysis 80% of them were single because they clearly wanted to be and this was their big night out? A seminar with a bunch of other single women?

There was a permeating sense of desperation but determination. Note books out and pens poised. These women weren’t here to play. There were peals of nervous giggling punctuated by the lady sitting next to me with a vuvuzela laugh. She later made it onto the stage to demonstrate how not to flirt and why we were all here.

Matthew Hussey told them to have standards, self-respect and learn not take it all so seriously. Just have a strategy and stick to it. Apparently you could still have as much sex as you wanted. Well that’s what I wrote down so he must have said it, right? Hmmm…..just checked with my friends and he didn’t say that. The only other thing I think I took from it is to constantly have options and not go after one guy. Options…I can do that!

But then I thought were we really able to fix habits of a life time with a few tricks and strategies?  And why did we need to? Is love a game where the best strategist wins? And if so why are so many women losing so spectacularly?  I always say you should be talking to at least one guy a week if you want any chance of moving from single to relationship and yet when asked some of these women weren’t even doing that.

When I was a child I loved playing team sports or athletics but I didn’t play computer games. My chess was appalling and I stole money from the Monopoly bank. I had thousands. (If siblings are reading this then….yeah, that’s how I did it Bitches!!) My brothers spent hours in front of the Super Nintendo and Nintendo focussing on reaching the next level. Coaxed on by his friends they would work out ways of staying alive. My dad bought me a Donkey Kong and I immediately got bored and loaned it out to the boys I fancied in the playground. I was winning. I spent my alone time reading novels or magazines with advice columns, positions of the fortnight and make up tips that apparently weren’t for me. I still remember my parents’ faces at my attempts to recreate the Cyndi Lauper look.  Just wasn’t the same with a yellow and blue striped towel on my head.

The boys would talk computer game strategy and sport incessantly. I plotted with my friends on how to get the Saturday boy at the butcher’s shop to notice me. Turns out that if you walk past 17 times he’ll notice you but he still won’t ask you out. After this course I’m starting to think…maybe I forgot to smile?

I know women who play games and some even get the man but then you have to play all the time. And there is always the risk that he’ll substitute you if you get tired and your performance wanes. I wasn’t hearing anything about love, trust and commitmentment. Only how to get him to ask you ask and to make you his girlfried. Acting nonchalant and not showing him the crazy were the obvious answer.

Games don’t work for women because we don’t have the same game drivers. I hear about passive aggressive, manipulative women and I think how do they find the energy? We want the prize not the intricate tricks and levels you have to go through to get there. There are way too many levels and opportunities to lose a life.  But having standards you stick to and don’t compromise on…. Yes we should all play to reach that level.

Happy dating!

© Chelsea Black

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