Tag Archives: dating tips

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When not to text

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags:

OK so rules to texting. There are 10 times when you mustn’t text

1)      When you know the other person is upset. A hey how you doin’? Text isn’t going to cut the mustard champ.

2)      When you want sex but haven’t been in touch recently. Early mornings, late night texts out of the blue are so obvious to all. Especially after months or weeks of no contact.

3)      When the person has broken pattern and not contacted you. This one is for the ladies. He has stopped calling or texting you. Most men are behaviourally quite predictable. So when he breaks his MO best you don’t poke the bear by texting. Pick up the phone and speak to him like an adult. His voice will tell you more than a text respond

4)      To break up – email isn’t acceptable either folks. Apparently

5)      When the text starts with ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ or ‘We need to talk’ then best you don’t send it. This just raises panic in the other person.

6)      When you’re drunk and not sure who it is you’re texting. – Guilty

7)      When your sense of humour is dry and sardonic best you avoid testing it out on the new partner who probably takes them literally.

8)      When there are too many emoticons and exclamation marks. Be your own editor. That just looks like something Cher from Clueless would send

9)      When you’re bored or seeking attention. You end up promising to hang out with some guy you have no interest in.

10)   When you have way too many people with the same name in your phone. I thought I was talking to an old friend but no, I was talking to the small pistol guy with a faulty trigger.

I’ve heard that women should never ever text first but my theory is keep texting to a minimum. If you want more than a bootycall than surely you’ve got to be able to communicate with this person verbally. Or are you planning to text him in bed with instructions. “Hey babe, bit more to the left yeah?” 😉

© Chelsea Black

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Textual dating

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags:

So there is a new phenomenon sweeping the globe which I find alarming. This my precious is the art of textual dating. I say art because communication is an art that so many have yet to master .

I’m alright with the concept of texting within dating as a necessary means of flirtation, date setting and making sure he knows that a chocolate stop is necessary but that’s it. There is no other time when BBM or text or whatsapp is appropriate. Save it for your friends.

My golden rule is text when you are happy. Text because you miss them and you want to say something to express that. Text because you’re horny and chances are a text will be the flirtatious banter that will lead to you getting some later (please note that this texting should start earlier in the day and not after the 10pm bootycall watershed.)

But alas some of us text and pretend to be saying one thing when really it’s saying “think of me because I’m thinking of you”. I won’t lie my precious I’m guilty of this and not just when drinking*

*Please note that Tipsy texting is allowed simply because it usually involves telling them what you want to do to them later. Again though start drinking early. Nothing says tears like a late tipsy text that isn’t returned because he’s fast asleep or playing COD. You assume he hates you and before you know it a black cabby is playing relationship counsellor.

I had to examine my text issues. Apart from the fact that I take language and writing way too seriously there is clearly more to this textual aversion than first meets the eye.

I have a relationship with texting that spans over a decade

1)      12 years ago I dumped someone by text. To be fair he lived in another country so it was never going to work. But still I ended up feeling so guilty that I was forced to go there and do it all again in person.  This meant a coach to Rhyl. I ended up getting a cold flu from the air conditioning. The only good thing that came out of that trip was that I couldn’t smoke for 3 days and so gave up smoking permanently. But that Nokia one screen text haunts me

2)      The other day a guy I’m not even dating sent me a one word text. I was floored. There was my carefully worded text to give the impression that I’m easy going and not the over planning control freak those that know me pretend to love. It took me at least 3 minutes to design that text. Yes I said design. And then he wrote back with an OK! I realised that even those I’m not dating need to understand the textual protocol. Add a name or a smiley face!

3)      The ones who text after 3 weeks or 3 months looking to pop by for sex. Sadly this has happened more than once. WHY!! That door is firmly shut.

4)      The one who sent me a sad face when he failed to show up on my birthday. That was it. Nothing else. I take it back. Emoticons don’t make it ok.

My thing is a relationship should be about talking face to face and on the phone. The textualisation of a relationship is for long distance. Use it wisely, sparingly and with the proper consideration. OK will never ever do.  Unless the question is will you marry me and even then, you would want more than an OK. Right?

© Chelsea Black

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A Marital Affair?

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Categories: BLOG, DATING TIPS, Latest, Tags: , ,

After my escapades last week on Tagged I realised that visual and status honesty are important to me. Yes indeed I’m a slightly slutty romantic who wants to know that when you say you’re 5’10 I won’t be tucking you into a high chair at the ‘I enjoy fine dining’ (aka Nandos) date.

In my constant search for a dating site that recognises the need for complete honesty I stumbled across the aptly named www.maritalaffair.co.uk

Apparently 50% of Brits think having an affair is acceptable in certain circumstances. I can’t think of any. Just break up or have an open relationship but they won’t do that because one selfish idiot wants to sneak around but would hate it if their partner did the same. Hmmmm, so much for love.

As for me as a single woman I don’t get it. So I must now date men who declare that they’re married and be grateful that at least they are honest about it? Right! Cos that makes it better. My thing is that if I still have to sneak out of bedroom windows at ridiculous times (real story) because your wife turns up then the only thing me knowing that you’re married does is buy me a few seconds head start.  Wives may not have as much time for the gym but an angry wife can take on Kelly Holmes.

And let’s take a step back. You’re married, you made some vows and she bought an overpriced puffy dress she’ll never fit into again if she’s lucky and you did that thing of pretending to remember the other’s friends and relatives. That in itself is one hell of a commitment. But now years later the dress DEFINITELY doesn’t fit her and you look like a Queen Vic extra.  You’re bored but God forbid you fix it so instead you have an affair. Yes this is the sensible solution to your boredom and her inability to stop going on about the DIY or your mother whom she now admits she’s never really liked.

As for women who have these affairs, seriously chica you have time to have an affair? And how when women tend to have emotional rather than physical attachment to sex? This is doomed to failure. I don’t actually buy into the notion that you can cheat on someone you really love and respect. I think that this is a recession led solution to an age old problem; some people don’t want to go through the hassle and cost of a divorce. TOUGH!

I’m sure a site like Marital Affair will do well because it offers the customer exactly what they want. A safe site for those that want discrete affairs with other like-minded people.  But this isn’t for me yet. Why? Because I don’t have a husband to spy on.

If I catch FuHu (future husband) on there (please tell me he had the decency NOT to post photos) then I shall calmly take him for everything he’s got and keep moving. There are sites just for sex but affairs? I’m going to say that it doesn’t work for me. This is another male construct to excuse bad behaviour.  And no site can escape from the fact that most men are too sloppy not to get caught.  Anything from the perfume to the STI are dead giveaways.  Women are less likely to slip up unless they get emotionally involved I reckon. Then they spill.

I guess I want honesty but there is such a thing as too honest? It’s just honest deception.

Oh wait, are there tips there on how not to get caught? I’ll have a quick peek for, research purposes. Just in case Ryan or Tiger call me up and ask for tips.

Happy fornication!

© Chelsea Black

 

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