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5 ways to kill a crush

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Categories: BLOG, DATING, Latest, Tags: , , ,

Why kill a crush? A crush is a warm delicious secret you hold dear to you in which you’re a size 8, they are available and you live happily ever after. You can ignore the fact that he doesn’t know who you are or that you’re in a relationship with a workaholic. Crushes are pure escapism. There comes a time in every young or old crushee’s life when the crush must die.

crushing a man But alas, sometimes you have to kill this protagonist of your imagination and move on. It’s harsh my precious but be brave. Here are my 5 ways to kill a crush

1)      Tell the crush that they’re your crush.

I do the whole confessional crush thing. The look of horror was enough to tell me that not only was the feeling not mutual but the thought appalled him. Nothing kills a crush quicker than knowing the person doesn’t even feel flattered by your crush. The other time I recall the crush target seized the opportunity to rinse social outings out of me. After a while people thought we were dating as we were always together but I was but a lowly social secretary. That realisation killed the crush. Their response will determine if the crush can survive.

2)      Find out about the real person behind your crush

So he’s cute and he said something vaguely insightful once. It’s all a little Frank Churchill in Emma when really you want Mr Knightley. What do you really know about your crush? I had a crush die recently when I found out that all of his plans were just pipe dreams. He’s now engaged to an average girl stuck in an average job. Where was the man who talked of reaching for the stars only 2 years ago? Where did his dreams go and are they lost in the same place as his gym membership? It’s the little things my precious. The potty belly and the empty talk.

3)      Fast forward your crush

Is your crush a now crush? Does he look like Idris Elba or whomever is the in celebrity of the time? What do you think he’ll look like in 25 years time? Chances are imagining your crush in their 50s and 60s isn’t going to bring you visions of Larry Lamb. Is he possibly a fat Marlon Brandon? Don’t take risks my precious. Your crush needs to have the genes for longevity. A fair weather crush must by definition crushing a man 2be short and die after a season or when the TV show ends.

4)      Get a new crush

Ah yes, the best way to get over one crush is to get under another. In fact, I’m an advocate of having more than one crush at a time. They all reside in different countries or postcodes so that I can keep tags on them and none of them can get jealous….in my head.

5)      Start dating

A controversial one indeed but often when you’re bogged down with actual relationship issues such as blanket hogging, missing toilet rolls and eating food fast enough to finish your plate you need a crush as a distraction. But when you’re dating you don’t have the time in between spa sessions and shopping for new ensembles to maintain the cyber stalking that a crush demands. So getting a real man can get rid of the fantasy one. And who knows, you may find a date that sticks around long enough to annoy you back into crushing.

Best of luck my precious and remember, a crush is something you control. If it’s not working for you anymore crush it and move on.

© Chelsea Black 2014


You know you REALLY like them when


Categories: DATING TIPS, Tags: , , , ,

You know you REALLY like them when …..

Ok just a light hearted one to highlight the joys of meeting and being with someone who treats you with respect and makes you want to get naked all the time. Enjoy!

  1. You don’t want the date/dinner/ dance to end but you are worried that your breath won’t last much longer
  2. You find yourself smiling unexpectedly at something silly they said days earlier then trying to explain it to a blank faced colleague. You tail off with, ’You had to have been there.’
  3. You’ve imagined what you kids could look like. Please note that whilst this is bordering on crazy, writing your married name over and over again, changing your virtual name to theirs or naming your yet to be conceived kids is something you may do but MUST keep to yourself. Trust me, they never see the funny side – Chelsea Giggs.
  4. They ring and your heart races into your throat. You would think this would make you sound sexy but instead they think you  are ill which derails the conversation from why they called.
  5. You find yourself living room dancing spontaneously because you’re just so damn happy. Please remember to draw the curtains and switch off the uncool music before picking up the phone.
  6. You’re hanging with someone else but you are thinking about them. (side note – this CAN make mediocre sex better. Don’t be afraid to shut those eyes tight and imagine away. If in doubt stick both hands on your substitutes back as this is less likely to differ that much…unless they are more chubby)
  7. They don’t call when they were supposed to and it’s like your football team lost the Champions League final (only Arsenal and Man U fans can truly appreciate this reference)
  8. You can imagine what they will look like when you are both 84. Why is this image always on a porch in the Deep South somewhere (Our children note: no care homes please)
  9. Every love song or romantic verse reminds you of them. Even the breakup ones which is mildly disconcerting
  10. You find yourself segueing them into a conversation about something completely different just to talk about them.  
  11. You think something random or profound or really rather boring and can’t wait to share it with them. Try to hold it in.
  12. They’re coming over and your bedroom looks like one in a hotel. Broke out the good linen because they are worth it eh? (I’ve done this once. It is hardly ever worth it. Save the good stuff for yourself)
  13. You look at a photo of your celebrity crush and suddenly they just aren’t all that special. This feeling will fade and you and celebrity crush will spend many a day dream together again. So don’t renounce your fan club membership just yet.
  14. You’re shopping and you see things for them as well as yourself. Don’t get it twisted. A shopping trip will never ever be just about them. But it’s nice you thought of someone else for once.
  15. You randomly recall a sexy moment you shared and your tummy lurches. This can look quite strange in public. Pass it off as some trapped wind and keep on walking.
  16. You analyse everything they’ve ever written or said for clues that it was really their way of telling you that you’re special. Them calling you by his exes name is a clue that it may not be you that’s special. Them not calling or writing even less so.
  17. You think of reasons to hear their voice. They don’t really need to know that the gas man has been and gone do they? Oh but they do.
  18. Things that would normally be a deal breaker don’t seem to matter anymore.
  19. You have conversations with them in your head (again, keep this one to yourself Ally McBeal)
  20. You’re so happy you feel like running, going to work or worse…cleaning. Luckily this lasts about a month.
  21. They suggest a restaurant or movie that you would normally see as a ‘grab your purse and run’ moment but you find yourself shrugging and thinking, how bad could it be? Pretty bad I reckon. KFC isn’t a restaurant.
  22. They cancel last minute and you head for the chocolate / alcohol. They’re on their way and you celebrate with chocolate / alcohol. They got home safely so you…yeah, ok.
  23. You sober dial or text them things that make you cringe when you read them after the break up.
  24. You dress to be undressed. No sweats or baggy jumpers for this special one.
  25. You and your friends refer to them in code. They are Operation Theo (Theone) or Project FuBo/Wifey.

That’s it. If anyone ticks 20 of these 25 then I know I’m f**ked and will have to start cancelling other dates but until then…..

Happy dating!

©Chelsea Black


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