Dear Santa

Now, I know, (like lots of men) when I talk, you sometimes don’t hear everything I say; but PLEASE, after last years Christmas Prayer I really feel that I am going to have to be a bit more specific if we are going to crack this 2nd husband thing.

I know that you are busy Santa, and that there are too many women out there in the same boat as me, but to be perfectly honest I think with a little Chelsea team work we can crack this thing by Valentines’ day. So here is my Santa gift wish list for the coming year:

Single
I really am not one to share. So when one guy proposed to someone else just two weeks after we broke up I realised that he had been a time share. It’s also bad that I have accidentally dated married men. Santa dear, can’t you mark them? Maybe a partridge tattoo on their neck? I might be regularly merry, but I’m not ready to be any man’s hohoho.

Ambitious
Oh Santa, bartenders and students are great but it’s not so much fun when they are over 30, eyeing up your flat as if it were their new home but still on a pay-as-you-go contract. I don’t need a professional man, but, seriously, someone who can’t get a T mobile contract? Please sprinkle some tinsel their way and give them the gift of wanting to be the best that they can be. If I have to sit through another old home made rap / band CD I think I might be spending New Years behind bars for assault.

Nubian
I know it doesn’t snow much in Africa but I would still like an African diaspora Nubian elf to erm… help me fill my stockings.

Trained
I really thought you had cracked it when you brought me the divorcee. On Skype it was hot, exciting and I almost believed that I heard angels sing. Hark! On dates he was constantly late and made love like an over eager adolescent. I was bruised by his clumsy attempts and nursed bite marks for 3 weeks afterwards. I don’t mind tweaking Santa but he needs to know how to make the angel on the top of the tree light up. At 40 surely he should be trained by now?

Accessible
Don’t get me wrong my precious Santa I have had real moments of fun this year, but it has nearly all been on the internet with men on other continents. Please can you sleigh some of those fine men over here? I will gladly pass the gift of cyber sex on.

There are obviously other things I want, such as good health, wealth and for the annoying woman at work to get sacked, but we can focus on those separately (Please see attached Appendices A to G marked Private and Confidential) So to all the single Bells out there: Merry Christmas my precious as we try to find our very own Mr. Jingle.

© Chelsea Black